Special Report

Freehold, Iowa -  "Just last week, a young member of our church approached me with a question," Pastor Deacon Fred told the congregation during morning services. "He asked me, 'Should Christians practice Yoga?' I paused for just a moment before slapping him so hard across the face with the back of my hand that one of his teeth flew out into the hallway. As I watched the man search for his tooth, and, after giving up, then scamper away like a schoolboy sissy, I thought to myself, 'Are we going to have to bring this whole thing up about Yoga again?  I thought our Sunday school curriculum included lessons about the evils of everything Oriental, including Yoga and was being taught to children in our elementary school!  I was so distraught that I spent the entire afternoon with Landover Baptist's Director of Christian Education, Sister Suzie Kirnhill, discussing the matter."  

What Pastor Deacon Fred found is that Landover's teachings regarding Yoga were pulled from the Sunday School curriculum during the early 1980's when it was thought that Yoga was no longer being practiced in the State of Iowa. "Do you mean to tell me that we have a religion like Yoga that teaches it's followers how to contort their bodies into demonic positions with the ultimate goal of being able to place their sexual organs into their mouths, and you are not warning our children about this!?" said Pastor Deacon Fred. Sister Kirnhill was silent. "If this is not placed back into our curriculum and taught in graphic detail to our 3rd graders by next Sunday, then you can consider yourself, FIRED!" yelled Deacon Fred.

Creation Science teaches us that "Yoga" is a religion that sprang forth from the corrupt roots of sexual depravity in the 1960's. A time when godless long-haired liberals were running around our country trying to get people to turn their backs on Christ and embrace other made-up religions. Secular scholars argue that the practice of "Yoga" is nearly 3,000 years old. We know this to be a lie because the Bible never mentions anything about it, and the Bible is the most accurate historical book ever written. Creation Scientists place the origins of "Yoga," closer to 1963 when film actress Connie Stevens is seen doing it on historically archived film.

Most beginning "yogists" are lured into taking classes with the promise of growing a better heart and becoming healthy. It is not until the third or fourth lesson that they are told what is really going on, and the temptation is far too great to resist. Yoga appeals to the most basic primal instincts, and therefore is a temptation even to the Truly Saved™.

One Baptist pastor who was sent to covertly study the religion was nearly lost to the church in 1971. It took four deacons and three Landover ladies to pry his lips off of his penis, smack him across the back of his head with a few dozen Bibles, and drug him long enough to get him to a safe house where it took nearly 1-year in traction to deprogram him. Yes, it's true - ONE YEAR! to get the demon of Yoga out. Nearly a whole week longer than the time needed by Baptist ministers to get a Catholic to stop worshipping Mary! Creation Scientists were able to get the vital information they needed about Yoga from this Baptist minister, who still struggles with yogatic temptations to this day!

"This is a dangerous game we are playing," said Pastor Deacon Fred last Sunday, "How the Devil got in here and shut down our Yoga curriculum, is beyond my understanding! We are not talking about Iowa anymore folks. This ministry reaches more people around the world in one day that Billy Graham's Corporation reaches in ten-years! Millions of folks come to our web site for advice on these sorts of things on an hourly basis. We want to make sure this information gets posted up there as quickly as possible!  And we are not stopping at forbidding this elaborate worship self-arousal.  We are also reminding everyone of our ban on the seamy byproduct of this filthy religion – the product named after its kinky sexual contortions, yogurt.  If I see so much as one little tub of yogurt on the church campus or when I inspect your refrigerators during tithe accounting, you will be slung up so bad you'll look like you could eat your own elbow – as well as your willy!

 

 

 

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