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Pastor, Why Did Jesus Give the Injuns Tiny Tallywhackers?

Landover Christian Academy: Tallywhacker Size Comparison Chart - Baptist Biology 101Pastor,

My daddy told us at dinner last week that the Injuns have really small tallywhackers. He said that secular scientists wrote an article about it.  My Creation Science teacher in biology class showed us a picture from our textbook to prove it.  And I sended it to you so you can see.

Did we know about the injuns tallywhackers before the unsaved sciencetists, or is it a new discovery? I know Jesus made them really small down there that way, but when? And why?

Henry Gordon
Age 7
Lynchburg Christian Academy

Dear Henry,

I'd like to smack your parents' empty heads together. It amazes me what passes for Christian conversation at America's dinner tables. It is one thing for a father and son to compare the length and girth of their male members in the privacy of a locked bathroom, but to discuss the size of tallywackers over pot roast shows an alarming lack of modesty and Christian decorum. If you have a sister who was a party to such a conversation, you may as well may as well slap a UPS shipping label on her little forehead and address it to Satan because any female who grows up talking about the enormity of tallywackers will be lost to harlotry and NFL locker rooms. At least you have been taught the correct Christian term to use when referring to the male genetalia.

Nevertheless, I'd like to say how proud I am of our Baptist School system, that learns little children in the ways of the world and has them asking important questions like this. You see, understanding why Jesus cursed (yes - cursed!) Injuns with tiny tallywhackers will help you survive in a world where other races of people are jealous of Caucasoidials (That's the scientific term for "True Christians™").

Henry, in the Bible times - there were only white people at first. The coloreds didn't come around till after Noah's Ark - and God cursed the first one, Canaan, Ham's son, because Ham peeked into a tent to have a look at his daddy, Noah's tallywhacker. He made the son of Ham's tallywhacker grow, and every descendent of that first Negro was given a giant tallywhacker so they wouldn't have to go about peekin' and starin' between white men's legs no more. Except for in some small towns in Georgia.

Since the Bible doesn't talk about Injuns, we have license to apply our Christian logic to Genesis 6:4 and surmise that Injuns are the bi-product (just like the Japaneses) of abnormal relations between human females and giant demons who were cast down from Heaven along with Lucifer after he fell to earth. Some of these preternatural shin digs produced giants, some even produced dinosaurs! Imagine your momma giving birth to a Tyrannosaurus! Ouch! But through God, all things are possible, A-men?

Henry, as Christians, we believe that some of the ungodly relations between demons and humans produced Chinese people and some of them produced the Injuns. We don't know if the race of these poor fools was determined by how pointy a demon daddy's tail was or how thick his hoofs were, you see? We just know it happened!  It is quite clear however, that God made Injuns, Orientals and Negroes look different from Him because He wanted to give us a handy way of being able to tell whom we could trust. What you have to understand is that every creature that sprung out of each of these ghastly sexual encounters was cursed in some way. Some made it to the modern world, others didn't. So, Henry - the Injuns you see running around with their naked hineys exposed today are descended from the little babies of Satan himself. That's why their skin is red! And yes, their tallywhackers are the tiniest known tallywhackers on the planet, even smaller than the tallywacker on a newborn kitten!  Shout Glory! Praise God!  

Henry, Injuns used to run around naked in the old days, until they had a peek at what the rest of the civilized world had hanging between their legs! Now (and ever since God's people arrived in America) the Injuns have covered their front sides in shame and leave their bright red hineys exposed as a tell-tale reminder they were spawned in Hell.

I hope this answers your question.

In Jesus Holy and Precious Name,

Pastor Deacon Fred
Landover Baptist Church

Landover Christian Academy: Tallywhacker Size Comparison Chart - Baptist Biology 101



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