Brother Harry Hardwick Answers Your Questions

Q: If Matthwew, Mark, Luke and John got into a bar fight, who would win?

A: Dear Wrestling Fan,

I assume you are speaking of the apostles and not the members of some rock group. Matthew and Luke are out because both of them believe that if someone hits you on one side of your face, you are to turn the other side to him and let him pound away (Matthew 5:39; Luke 6:29). (Isn't it amazing that so-called Christians continue to try to justify capital punishment with the "eye for an eye" Old Testament principle when Jesus expressly repudiated that notion?)

I suspect the winner would be John. After all, it was John who said that all one must do to enter Heaven is accept Jesus. One can murder, rob, rape, pillage, plunder, child molest and beat others to a pulp and he is still going to Heaven so long as he uttered the magic words at some point in his life: "Jesus, please take over my life." So John would probably be completely unconstrained physically or morally and would undoubtedly fight dirty.

Praying the match will be on HBO rather than Pay-Per-View,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Since angels are messengers of God, is it possible that Jesus was just and angel with an ego problem?

A: Dear Psychology Fan,

No and yes. No, Jesus was not just an angel. We know Jesus is the Son of God because the inerrant Holy Bible tells us so. (Of course, we also know there is only one god, yet the Father is God, the Son is God and the Holy Spirit is God).

However, yes, Jesus undeniably has a severe ego problem. The Bible tells us that God is a jealous god, and we know that to be true given all the people He has slaughtered over the years simply for worshiping someone other than Him. And His Son is equally insecure. Jesus told His disciples to bring before Him any man who didn't believe in Him and to slaughter the non-believer while Jesus watched (Luke 19:27). Jesus killed a man by having his body eaten by a swarm of worms because the man failed to give Jesus His due (Acts 12:23). Jesus struck a Jew blind for thwarting His teachings (Acts 13:8-11). He struck a man dumb for not believing in Him (Luke 1:20). The Holy Spirit took the lives of a husband and wife by scaring them to death for not forking over to the Lord all the money they made on a real estate transaction (Acts 5:1-10). Those who commit such acts today are known as serial killers. Even the least animate of living things couldn't escape the Lord's demanding nature. During one particularly temperamental time, when He was hungry, Jesus killed a fig tree for failing to bear figs, even though Jesus knew figs weren't in season (Mark 11:12-14).

The strongest evidence of insecurity gone awry are the promises of utter terror Jesus has made for nonbelievers in the Hereafter. Come Judgment Day, they will be gathered together and hurled into a furnace of fire where there will be uncontrollable wailing and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 13:41-42). Jesus said God will "take vengeance of them that know not God" by burning them forever "in flaming fire" (2 Thessalonians 1:7-9).

For goodness’ sake, even Michael Jackson isn't that needy. Unfortunately for most of the inhabitants of Earth, it appears there are no 12-step programs in Heaven.

Praying for a favorable mood swing by our Deity, just before the rapture,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Is a priest required by law to wash his hands before handing out the host? I think mine picks his nose.

A: If you think that's bad, I once visited a Catholic "church" and found that the host the priest gave me was covered with tiny red hairs. I was especially distressed as I watched a red-headed altar boy walk bowlegged to the altar.

Q: I work as a change room attendant in a ladies lingerie department and I often feel like I am breaking the commandment of adultry when I sneek a peek through the hole I drilled in the wall. I blame the store for putting me there.

A: Dear Pervert,

You are, indeed, committing adultery, for any man who imagines himself having sexual relations with a woman to whom he is not married is an adulterer (Matthew 5:28), and adulterers are among those who will fry for eternity (Galatians 5:20-21). But frankly, since lascivious thoughts are inherent in human nature, undoubtedly you would have fantasized even without that hole. Since you're going to Hell anyway, you might as well live it up now, during the only time you'll ever have for pleasure.

Praying for a dress code in which everything below the chin is covered to reduce the unfortunate overpopulation in Hell,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Will all of my old hair and fingernails go to heaven when I die? (And skin cells and anything that may have fallen off)

A: Dear Vain One,

We, Christians, obviously believe a person ascends to Heaven with precisely the same body he possesses at the time of death. If we didn't believe this, we certainly wouldn't go to the trouble and expense (and absolute waste of resources and land) of having the corpses of our loved ones placed in coffins and lowered into the ground. Our belief, of course, means that we should beg the murderer for a stabbing rather than a decapitation.

Praying all will manage to schedule hair cuts before their final hours,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: I haven't asked a question in awhile and I might not be able to after they shut this site down, so I feel the need to do my part to keep up interest. So, what's everybody doing this weekend?

A: Dear Curious (and obviously bored) Child,

We have an incredibly busy weekend planned at Landover. Friday night is our monthly abortion clinic protest. At the Freehold family planning clinic, we hold up pictures of children being stabbed (of course, these are pictures of newborn infants since the fetus of the first trimester is just a tiny cell -- but we don't tell them that). We have buckets of cow's blood that we hurl at prospective customers. And, of course, we scream at all those demonic women that they are going straight to Hell where they will roast for eternity. Afterwards, we have dinner at the nearby bistro and then, rather than having our limo pick us up at the restaurant, we meet it a block away. Because we are selfless, devout Christians, dedicated to witnessing in Christ's name, we risk our lives to walk down the block where homeless women and children congregate. We walk by those families, who are screaming out for food, and drop "Turn or Burn" tracts right into their hands, telling them to get over their welfare dependency mentality.

Saturday is a busy day. In the morning, we have our Harry Potter book burning scheduled on the east lawn of the main sanctuary. Sister Taffy's husband, Daniel, always wears a white robe and hood for the book burnings -- we all get a kick out of that. Then, in the afternoon, the third grade class of Landover Elementary will be putting on their annual Judgment Day play in which they re-enact the horrors of the Book of Revelation. Dora Denkins' niece is playing the Great Whore of Babylon this year -- "like aunt, like niece," Heather is fond of saying.

Sunday, of course, is church. If you happen to be in Freehold this weekend, join us for Sunday services. I'll be in our platinum tither skybox so I probably won't be able to see you until after the service. I understand there are still some general admission tickets available.

Praying the Holy Spirit will move us, as we rebuke the demons of the secular (a/k/a Satanic) society this weekend,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Can faith be considered a mental illness?

A: Dear Perceptive One,

Only by secular (a/k/a Satanic) psychiatrists. I once had an aunt who told her doctor she believed there was an old man in the sky who lived just above the clouds (meaning the videos from space are part of a government/Hollywood conspiracy) who watches our every move, zaps people he doesn't like with plagues and pestilence, kills their firstborn children, or strikes their crops with locusts, sends bears to maul to death children who tease bald men, drowned the planet during one particularly bad mood, teases men like Abraham by telling them to kill their son and then saying "gotcha!" right before they do it, struck to death a man for refusing to impregnate his dead brother's wife, and plans to send everyone who worships the god their parents taught them to worship instead of him to a place called "hell" where they will burn in flames for eternity. After extensive testing, she was institutionalized as either mentally ill or severely retarded. She was released only after the hospital chief of staff took a road trip through several rural communities, visiting churches and reading hotel Gideon bibles. He concluded there isn't enough undeveloped land left in America to build enough facilities to house all those equally deranged.

Praying fundamentalists will continue to retain enough financial influence to avoid being placed on the list of those with psychological disorders,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: People tell me I'm too soft on sinners, and that a real Christian would spend more time telling them that they're sinners and what will happen to them when they die.

I've never been much of a hellfire and brimstone type of gal. When confronted by a catamite or fille de joie I usually tell them it's between them and God, and to get on their knees and pray - trusting that God will convict their wanton hearts.

Is that so wrong?

A: Dear Sissy,

Yes, it is wrong. You see, the fire and brimstone is essential to convince sane and rational people to accept our faith. No one wants to admit he is a Christian because he is absolutely terrified of the notion of roasting in Hell (or enamored with the idea of eternal bliss). No one wants to admit he is a Christian because he just can't accept the fact that, upon death, everything for him ends. But let's be honest -- that is the bottom line. No sane or rational person could believe the outrageously misanthropic tales of the Bible unless he was subtly coerced to do so by the promise of bliss or brimstone. He is willing to suppress what realism and logic tell him must be the truth because of the minute possibility the absurd accounts could turn out to be true, thereby ensuring his either awful or orgasmic eternal fate. I suggest you photocopy some "Turn or Burn" tracts and forget all that lovey-dovey nonsense.

Praying all will recognize that the success of every religious faith is directly proportional to the horrendousness of its hell and happiness of its Heaven,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Being a "Christian" I often feel I am better than everyone else. How do my fellow christians handle this?

A: Dear Falsely Modest One,

As Christians, we ARE better than everyone else. After all, the New Testament tells us we are going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell, where they will burn in flames for eternity. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds to me as though God has decided we're better. After all, God certainly wouldn't send his best people to roast for eternity and the least worthy people to dine with Him in Heaven for eternity. Allow me to quote exclusively from the New Testament regarding the differential values God places on human lives.

God equates nonChristians with murderers and whoremongers, since they're all going to the same place. "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).

So inferior are nonChristians that Jesus told us we are not even to associate with them. "If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed" (2 John 1:10). "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15).

A nonbeliever is "a deceiver and an anti-Christ (2 John 1:7; see also 1 John 2:22). Jews, for instance, "please not God, and are contrary to all men" (1 Thessalonians 2:15). They are "unruly and vain talkers and deceivers...whose mouths must be stopped" (Titus 1:10-11).

Even among Christians, the Bible distinguishes our worthiness. Men are better than women for women succumb more easily to sin. Women are generally evil beings whose only hope for salvation is childbearing. "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety" (1 Timothy 2:11-15). As I revealed on a verse posted just a few down from your question, the men most worthy are those who never contaminated themselves with women (Revelation 14:3-4). Needless to say, then, single men are more worthy than those who marry. "But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage" (Luke 20:35). But don't let this make you think homosexuals are viewed as best by God, for homosexuals and "effeminate" men are among the lowest forms of human beings (1 Corinthians 6:9-10).

I don't know how much of this applies to you, 98, but if you're a straight, single, male Christian, you are better than everyone else -- except, of course, for single, male, Christian eunuchs.

Praying all will recognize the intricate social caste system espoused by the Bible,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: With all the Catholics takin little bites of Jesus over the years at communion. Would it be possible that they have consumed his whole body years ago?

A: Dear Fellow Catholicism-Hater,

Not only did those (typically obese) Catholics consume Him long ago, but I suspect many of the priests imagined they were eating Jesus in his pre-pubescent days. The wafer undoubtedly tasted much like veal to them.

Praying that the Catholic infatuation with cannibalism will go the way of "Fish Only on Fridays,"
Brother Harry Hardwick