Valentine's Day

Take Back Valentine's Day!  Get a Heart On For Jesus!

Valentine's Day has always been nothing more than a shameless celebration of promiscuity. In grade schools throughout the land, six-year-olds are encouraged to fill their classmates' shoeboxes with sexually predatory demands like, "Be Mine!" Hearts are everywhere - red and round like ripe baboon anuses when the monkeys are in heat. Grown women are running around with their hearts on fire for any stranger with a Whitman's Sampler. But all these people whipped into a fornicating frenzy have their hearts turned off to the one person who matters - Jesus! Well, we at Landover Baptist are going on record, saying we've got a heart on for Jesus! Landover Baptist joins Christians nationwide in implementing the “I’ve Got a Heart On For Jesus!” campaign to teach children the importance of living chaste, sin-free lives. The program replaces the secular "holiday" of "Valentine's Day." 

Even ignorant, crazed, pew-jumping, demon-tongue yapping Pentecostals know that Valentine's Day is a pagan (Catholic) holiday that glorifies the homosexual relationship between third century Emperor, Claudius II and a young priest named Augustanus Valentine. If you want to lift up the sewer cap and smell the stinky history of this so-called "holiday," click here.  The "Heart on For Jesus" program makes this important information available to pre-schoolers and Christian parents through a grant from the Sex 4 Salvation Ministry.

The Heart on for Jesus campaign is sweeping the nation and cleaning up the subtle focus that Valentine's Day places on sex.  Unveiling a solid gold plaque in the assembly hall of Freehold High School, Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred, exclaimed, "I've got a heart on for Jesus! Praise God for this important program. While liberals allow their children to hump all over each other in celebration of 'Valentine's Day,' we will, once again, prove that Christians are favored by God - we're just better people. Now, everyone has the chance to hear Jesus' message of unconditional love, as long as they do exactly what He says." 

The program features heart-shaped Christian products inscribed with "I've Got A Heart On For Jesus!" All are available for sale in family stores nationwide, with all profits going to help children in secular schools learn that the Bible is the only history book anyone needs. "If this program is as successful as I believe God wants it to be, we'll soon replace every library book with God's book," Brother Harry Hardwick stated, to a round of applause. "Praise God, what a day for true freedom that will be!" 

Liberals, in their ongoing anti-Christian hatred, continue to decry the campaign as "putting religion in the schools." "Nonsense! This is a Christian nation, and if the liberals don't like it, too bad," fumed Judy O'Christian, co-chair of the Ladies of Landover. "Every single holiday should focus on Jesus, and something as perverted as Valentine's Day is no exception! The liberals can go back to their communist countries, 'cause George W. Bush and us True Christians are in control now." The Heart on for Jesus campaign is being taken nationwide by True Christians in every state as a faith-based program to help feed poor childrens' heads with the truth.  "And the liberals can't stop it," Pastor Deacon Fred said at a recent press conference. "Let 'em whine! America is ours now." 



Copyright 1998-ROJC, LANDOVER BAPTIST. All rights reserved. Terms of Service
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18

Click to Visit the Landover Store!

As Seen on Network Television: Wear Nasty Bible Verses
Biblical Wisdom Gear!

Like the Site?  Buy the Book from the Writers of Landover Baptist!
Our Bestseller!

Colored T-Shirts for Sinners at the Landover Baptist Store

Gear that tells people Jesus is watching them do any number of disgusting things
Jesus is Watching You!

Value T-Shirts in the Landover Baptist Store!
Click Here!