Terrifying Truth about Saint Patrick!
A Shocking Children's Sermon Teaches Kids a Valuable and Unforgettable Lesson about the Demonic Nature of Hell Bound Catholics
- During the Landover Baptist Children's
Sermon last Sunday morning, terrified toddlers were treated
to a surprise visit from Saint Patrick himself. According to
Pastor Deacon Fred, "Our little pre-K sissies cried
like a pack of mincing pansies – just like they did
last week when we showed them The
Passion of the Christ." The lights in the church
were dimmed and a ferociously bright green spotlight scanned
over the crowd
of unsuspecting youngsters huddled together in front of the
congregation. The men's choir began to hum in a steady drone, like
Catholic monks stirring a cauldron of boiling saint relics as
the children moved closer together, casting pleading glances
at teachers who used medium-voltage stun guns to herd the
timid tots onto the sculptured shag carpet steps leading up
to the church's 18-karat rose gold altar and tidal baptism
After the startling splat of an adult horse being dropped
from the rafters onto the marble stage, an ominous voice
bellowed at the children, many of whom were warily picking
pieces of equine innards from their blood spattered clothing and
AM SAINT PATRICK!" yelled the heavily amplified
voice of Pastor Deacon Fred as he sprang out of the darkness
and into the spotlight. "AND I EAT LITTLE CHILDREN!" Pastor's Saint Patrick costume was
so effective that every little child screamed at the top of
their lungs. Most
felt the telltale jolt of a stun gun, reminding them that
they had visibly soiled the pants of their Sunday-school
As the stage filled with darting coils of snakes, Pastor
lunged toward the terrified children and grabbed 4-year-old,
Codie Johnson by the left foot. He bent down so little Codie
was dangling between an angry rattlesnake and over Pastor's sharp
yellow teeth. "My Catholic priests are hungry!"
said Pastor. "But you look so tasty, I think I'll
just bite off your tallywhacker myself and spit the rest of
you out into
Father O'Malley's bed!" Pastor let out
a blood-curdling cackle and little Codie wet his pants and
passed out. He carefully tossed Codie aside, kicking away
the snake just seconds before it lunged for Codie's tender
neck and making sure Codie's little
head didn't hit the marble floor (two deacons were on hand
to collect the child and bring him to the church infirmary).
"NOW! Who's NEXT!?" Pastor yelled
through a spray of green spittle He lunged
frantically toward the children. "I drove the snakes
out of filthy, rotten Ireland – and I'll drive you out of
your crazy little minds!
BWAA-hahahahah! " he exclaimed as he
waved his green hands in the air. The children, clinging to
each other, let
out deafening wails of terror. Most
of them were so petrified that their limbs were frozen and
they couldn't move.
"I work for the Catholic Church!" yelled
Pastor. "And we have a shortage on little children
right now..." Mrs. Ida Mae Denkins who was
seated in the left second pew stood up and shouted,
"Take my little Suzie to the priests, Saint Patrick!
She's been watching the Cartoon Network without permission!
She's seen Sponge
Bob's penis! She's been a bad girl! A wicked, sinful servant of the satyr
Satan!" Suzie Denkins screamed, "NO MAMA! NO!
I'll never watch secular cartoons again!" Pastor Deacon
Fred eyed little Suzie. "You'd make a nice tender
morsel for one of my demon-red-skirt-wearing bishops!"
he screamed. "They'd love to find out what's going
on underneath that little poodle-skirt you little
whore!" Suzie lost consciousness and several Deacons
were on hand to smack her across the head and bring her
limp, sinful carcass to the church
"I'm going to let you sissy little scardy cats off easy
this time!" said Pastor. "I want you
worthless little pansies to run
off to your Sunday School classes RIGHT NOW! Your teachers
there will learn you more about me and my Cathylick
Church in Rome. But don't forget
March 17th! Lock your doors and hide under your
covers! For on that day, my drunken Catholic servants
diddle their unholy areas and pray to ME! And I come
forth to steal beautiful little Caucasian Baptist children
like YOU! And deliver you into the red velvet bedrooms of my
servants, the priests!"
After all of the children who fled were recovered, the
lights were turned back on and Pastor removed his Saint
Patrick mask. The congregation of parents, who had quietly
watched from the tin-level tither mezzanine balcony,
applauded and then rose to give him a standing ovation.
"Hopefully that will stick with them for the rest of
their lives," Pastor told churchgoers. "You have
to get them on the straight and narrow when they are young,
thought the Mel
Gibson blood fest would have toughened them up, but
apparently we have a bunch of twinkle-toes fairies that need
of Jesus put in them."
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