False Prophets

Pastor Deacon Fred's 60 Second Sermons!

The Terrifying Truth about Saint Patrick!

A Shocking Children's Sermon Teaches Kids a Valuable and Unforgettable Lesson about the Demonic Nature of Hell Bound Catholics

Freehold Iowa - During the Landover Baptist Children's Sermon last Sunday morning, terrified toddlers were treated to a surprise visit from Saint Patrick himself. According to Pastor Deacon Fred, "Our little pre-K sissies cried like a pack of mincing pansies just like they did last week when we showed them The Passion of the Christ." The lights in the church were dimmed and a ferociously bright green spotlight scanned over the crowd of unsuspecting youngsters huddled together in front of the congregation. The men's choir began to hum in a steady drone, like Catholic monks stirring a cauldron of boiling saint relics as the children moved closer together, casting pleading glances at teachers who used medium-voltage stun guns to herd the timid tots onto the sculptured shag carpet steps leading up to the church's 18-karat rose gold altar and tidal baptism pool.

After the startling splat of an adult horse being dropped from the rafters onto the marble stage, an ominous voice bellowed at the children, many of whom were warily picking pieces of equine innards from their blood spattered clothing and hair. "I AM SAINT PATRICK!" yelled the heavily amplified voice of Pastor Deacon Fred as he sprang out of the darkness and into the spotlight. "AND I EAT LITTLE CHILDREN!" Pastor's Saint Patrick costume was so effective that every little child screamed at the top of their lungs.  Most felt the telltale jolt of a stun gun, reminding them that they had visibly soiled the pants of their Sunday-school uniforms.

As the stage filled with darting coils of snakes, Pastor lunged toward the terrified children and grabbed 4-year-old, Codie Johnson by the left foot. He bent down so little Codie was dangling between an angry rattlesnake and over Pastor's  sharp yellow teeth. "My Catholic priests are hungry!" said Pastor. "But you look so tasty, I think I'll just bite off your tallywhacker myself and spit the rest of you out into Father O'Malley's bed!" Pastor let out a blood-curdling cackle and little Codie wet his pants and passed out. He carefully tossed Codie aside, kicking away the snake just seconds before it lunged for Codie's tender neck and making sure Codie's  little head didn't hit the marble floor (two deacons were on hand to collect the child and bring him to the church infirmary).

"NOW! Who's NEXT!?" Pastor yelled through a spray of green spittle  He lunged frantically toward the children. "I drove the snakes out of filthy, rotten Ireland and I'll drive you out of your crazy little minds!  BWAA-hahahahah! " he exclaimed as he waved his green hands in the air. The children, clinging to each other,  let out deafening wails of terror.  Most of them were so petrified that their limbs were frozen and they couldn't move. 

"I work for the Catholic Church!" yelled Pastor. "And we have a shortage on little children right now..."  Mrs. Ida Mae Denkins who was seated in the left second pew stood up and shouted,  "Take my little Suzie to the priests, Saint Patrick! She's been watching the Cartoon Network without permission! She's seen Sponge Bob's penis!  She's been a bad girl! A wicked, sinful servant of the satyr Satan!" Suzie Denkins screamed, "NO MAMA! NO! I'll never watch secular cartoons again!" Pastor Deacon Fred eyed little Suzie. "You'd make a nice tender sweet little morsel for one of my demon-red-skirt-wearing bishops!" he screamed. "They'd love to find out what's going on underneath that little poodle-skirt you little whore!" Suzie lost consciousness and several Deacons were on hand to smack her across the head and bring her limp, sinful carcass to the church infirmary.

"I'm going to let you sissy little scardy cats off easy this time!" said Pastor.  "I want you worthless little pansies to run off to your Sunday School classes RIGHT NOW! Your teachers there will learn you more about me and my Cathylick Church in Rome.  But don't forget March 17th!  Lock your doors and hide under your covers! For on that day, my drunken Catholic servants diddle their unholy areas and pray to ME! And I come forth to steal beautiful little Caucasian Baptist children like YOU! And deliver you into the red velvet bedrooms of my servants, the priests!"

After all of the children who fled were recovered,  the lights were turned back on and Pastor removed his Saint Patrick mask. The congregation of parents, who had quietly watched from the tin-level tither mezzanine balcony, applauded and then rose to give him a standing ovation. "Hopefully that will stick with them for the rest of their lives," Pastor told churchgoers. "You have to get them on the straight and narrow when they are young, A-men?  I thought the Mel Gibson blood fest would have toughened them up, but apparently we have a bunch of twinkle-toes fairies that need the fear of Jesus put in them."

Sunday school classes that morning were an extension of Pastor's children's sermon. Youngsters were treated to a Power Point presentation developed by Jack T. Chick, called, "Why Catholics are NOT Christians."





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