April 2001

Freehold, IA - Landover Baptist’s new $7,450,000 Home for Filthy Females was mothballed two days before the scheduled ribbon-cutting ceremonies. The decision to shelve the state-of-the-art facility came as a result of a final decision by the Biblical Conformance Commission regarding what to do with anything an unclean female touched. “When we first went over plans with the architect, we knew that anything a menstruating female sat on was unclean – duh! – like it says in Leviticus 15:20,” said Peter Travers with Christian Construction Management, Inc. All of Leviticus, Chapter 15 was then incorporated by reference into the specifications that went out to bid. “We thought the plumber’s plan to provide for continuous 4-head high-pressure cold-water sprays above and below each toilet was a great way to both conform to the Lord’s Perfect Will and value engineer the project to eliminate $376,000 worth of separate showers for the women. This way, they could shower each time they took a dump.” 

A week before the opening of the facility, the Biblical Conformance Commission refused to stamp the drawings, claiming that simply hosing down a toilet sat upon by an unclean woman was not enough. Speaking for the commission, in a letter to the construction manager, Pastor Williams wrote: “We have determined that Leviticus 15:20 is expressing the Lord’s desire that each toilet be removed and smashed to tiny pieces after each use. You see, the Lord abhors a vacuum. When blood drains from a woman, something must go in to replace it. That “something” is, of course, demons. That is why menstruating women are unclean – and so fidgety and cranky. Creation Scientists will vouch for the fact that during this time of the month, a woman’s uterus is a little Hyatt Hotel for demons. During urination, some of the demons slip on the urine and wind up under the rim of a toilet. And if you check the can on Lysol, their lawyers have obviously told them that it would be a lie to claim that it kills demons, cause they make no such claim. In fact, they are real careful to claim only 99.9% effectiveness. Well, my friend, that .1% they can’t kill is demons. As such, all those toilets would need to be destroyed after each use. This, of course, is going to cause the project to go way over budget. After much prayer, review of spreadsheets and the Bible, we wanted to come to a solution that would recognize the Lord's disgust at menstruating women, but also help lessen the financial loss to the church. At first, we were going to just let these females loose in the woods behind Mrs. Hawthorne's farm. Since it was woman's frail faith in the Lord that got them in this mess in the first place, it is only fair that they be the ones who have to worry about finding a place to squat down and go to the bathroom. But the Holy Spirit led us to the novel solution of renting these leaking ladies out during their times of uncleanness to local farmers to help fertilize their corn fields. The extra income with help pay to reopen the new facility as the new Landover Baptist Liposuction And Breast Augmentation Clinic. It's like Mrs. Betty Bowers always says: "Since we were created in God's image, if we don't look good, He doesn't look good."  



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