PARENTS, FINAL NOTICE:
If Any Child is Found to Have Handled Easter Eggs, He Will be Dragged by Security to the Parking Lot And May Rejoin His Family Only When the 3-Hour Service is Over!
Important Message From Pastor Deacon Fred
Moms and Dads out there, you need to make it clear to your youngsters that just because Jesus doesn't run around giving your brats candy – which most of those waddling toddlers need about as much as they need to be buggered all night by a Catholic Priest – is no excuse to fill Jesus' big, "Look What I Did!" day into a pack of secular Christ-hating shenanigans. I'm putting all your kiddies on notice: if they dare bring one stomach in here with so much as one piece of chocolate on Easter, they are in for a bigger surprise than even Jesus gets when he sees their sinning little mugs have the cheek – yes, cheek – to dare to walk amongst His anointed!
You all know that modernism has crept into almost every single church in
this country except for ours. Why, there are families out there in the liberal
Presbyterian wife-swapping suburbs of Des Moines that allow their
ghetto-music-listening children to grow up thinking Easter is all about a
promiscuous little animal – and not a Heavenly zombie that saved mankind by
getting fed up of being dead after three days, dusted Himself off, left His
smelly grave and hit the road. We put our foot down in 1952 and said NO! to the
foolish modern idea of allowing the enemies of the cross - the unsaved
- to fellowship with us. It's unbiblical, anti-Christian, and downright
dangerous to allow unsaved people into God's house. God doesn't allow it
in Heaven, and as it is in Heaven, SO BE IT ON EARTH! Amen!
And I am not about to make exceptions just because the sinner in
question's little head barely clears my man's business.
As we all know, demons are between three and four feet when not flying
– and that is why they are so comfortable in the bodies of children.
Under Section 19.344.22(a)(iv) of the Landover Baptist Piety Protocols
(2004 Supp.), children found to have handled Easter eggs are deemed the
spiritual equivalent of children who have never called upon the name Jesus.
As such, they are legally unsaved – a status that can only be changed
by express written permission from Pastor and a majority of all Deacons after
a 90-day waiting period (subject to credit approval).
Enemies of this church, whether she be a fresh-faced, nubile young girl
with ripe bee-stung lips or some old crone with sloppy, sagging lady parts
flapping twelve ways from Sunday, are working full time for Satan and not
welcome by the Lord. Thank-You.
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