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Is Breastfeeding a Gateway Sin?

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FREEHOLD, IOWA - Church authorities were prompted to make a public statement against breastfeeding last Tuesday when it was found that a number of church ladies had been breastfeeding their children well into adulthood. "Little Randy is nearly 15-years old now," said church mother, Ida Jenkins. "I still breastfeed the boy because I read in some secular magazine somewhere that the nutritional benefits of breastfeeding never really end." It was found that Mrs. Jenkins was nourishing young Randy 'round the clock by draining her teat into sippy cup and packing it in his Veggie Tales lunchbox. "The youngster was sharing it with other students," said Landover Baptist Junior High School Principal, Gil Higglesworth. "I got suspicious after taking a sip of it myself."

"What needs to happen here, is to just do away with breastfeeding altogether," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Poor young Christian boys are being weaned into oral gratification from infancy and the whole thing just stinks like the devil's hiney. "Our Baptist community comes from the school of thought that when a young boy starts to get hair under his arms that is the sign from God that he is becoming a man and it is time to stop nursing." Pastor Deacon Fred explained that those days are long past, and the time has come to end breastfeeding altogether.

Landover Baptist Creation Scientists then revealed the shocking results of a 4-year study that links breastfeeding to early sexual activity among youngsters. "We found that many young people who engage in breastfeeding, even if they stop at the age of 2 - oftentimes partake in what secular humanists call, 'third-base sexual activity' before marriage," said Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "Our study also concludes that breastfeeding leads to sloppy kissing, drooling, teat fetishes, and cattle buggery." Creation Scientists also expressed concern that the hardened nipples of a Christian woman who is breastfeeding indicate a sinful state of sexual arousal.

Landover lady, Sister Taffy testified at 'The Fight To Stop Breastfeeding' fundraising kickoff party. "I had Ezmirelda, my daughter Rebecca Grace's wet nurse, wean her off the teat when she was old enough to walk to the fridge and pour herself a glass of milk," she said. "Personally, the thought of anything attaching itself to my body and sucking the Holy Ghost life force out of me is revolting. The first thought that comes to mind are those old colored women with their boobies hanging down to their knees. They don't get those big sacks from eating all that watermelon. No, its from having 6-8 of their children leached onto them until they are in their mid-twenties! Glory!"

"In a world where toy manufacturers are slapping vaginas on Barbie Dolls and convenience store owners think nothing of selling toy testicles and candy suckers in the shape of male sex organs to young children, a Christian's response must be to put on the full armor of God!" stated Pastor Deacon Fred. "In these last days, the Devil will take many forms. Us True Christians® are the only people who can see Satan in just about everything, and it's our job to expose him, even if it makes us look ridiculous to the unsaved public. It's just a shame that now have to take something as innocent as nursing a young child and call it a sin. But Satan doesn't give us a choice, folks. We are at war with unseen forces and principalities of darkness who will stop at nothing until they drag every single person on the face of this planet straight down to Hell. With this in mind, won't you please join us in our fight to end breastfeeding? Your checkbooks are like little tiny daggers you can throw into the devil's backside. Praise!"



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