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DES MOINES IOWA-- Thousands of bed-wetters, sodomites, angry colored folks, liberals, God haters, flag burners, Satanists, and Catholics gathered outside Des Moines city hall last Saturday to protest Landover Baptist's 'closed door' policy on sinners. Some of them exposed their sexual organs while under the influence of a rhythm generated by the drum beats of out of control, dark skinned musicians. 

In a recent interview on Larry King Live, Pastor Ebeneezer Smith proudly provided American viewers with the Church's latest policy on 'non-admittance' to all unsaved persons (living or dead). He went on to say that some folks are born into sin. "Recent medical research is finding that homosexuality might be genetic. Let's emphasise the word 'might' there. In any case, if this is indeed true, then it is not possible for a homosexual to be saved. We know that colored folks are born colored, they are born the descendents of Ham, Noah's rebellious son whose skin was scalded to a charred black from working in the hot sun on the deck of that old ark." Rev. Smith went on to ensure America, that Landover Baptist was not being 'racist' in their views. He stated, "If believing what the Bible says about colored folks, queers, and others who represent the physical manifestation of sin, is wrong... well, I'd rather be right!" The broadcast reached an estimated 5 million viewers, and quickly spawned protest from religious hate groups nationwide. The result was an organized bellyache that included every last wannabe Christ hater this side of the Mason Dixon line. 

Protesters stood for nearly 8 hours in the hot sun, screaming and yelling profanities, and blaspheming the Lord and Ebeneezer's name. Pastor Smith told the congregation the following Sunday that he heard from some pretty reliable sources that some of the queers there, had even 'hooked-up' as they so mildly put it. The protests did not interrupt activity at Landover Baptist. Unsaved persons are not allowed within a 15 mile radius of our church by right of an official restraining order issued in January of 1998. If they were to break through, they could be shot on sight. "With 27 guard shacks,  a trained security force (all ex-military), and a fully armed congregation,  I don't think we have a thing to worry about," Rev. Deacon Fred remarked during Wednesday evening services.  

Visiting evangelist, H.R. Stone commented, "The protesters will just have to find something else to protest. This church is not going to change. It is Bible based, and old fashioned. If you are a sinner, you won't feel comfortable here. The Bible's definition of 'sin' might be different in some churches, but it ain't different in ours." 
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