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 What's Happening in June 1999

Attention Soulwinners!  The Landover Baptist Gun Store has opened!  The gun shop will be selling everything from concealable weapons to automatic weapons, to rifles, to sub-atomic particle disbursement units, to grenades, and grenade launchers.  These weapons are to be used for gun point soulwinning, in which a soulwinner holds a sinner at gun point and forces him to say the sinner's prayer.  This type of soulwinning was started back in 1922 when the late B.R. Lakin took an entire church hostage, and forced them to become Christians. The Gun Shop will also provide farming supplies such as peat moss and fertilizer at discount rates to Church members. The Store is open to the public, but any member of the public who enters the store will be given the plan of salvation. If they reject The Lord Jesus, they will be refused service. We retain the right to decline service to  anyone who does not accept Jesus Christ as their own Lord and Personal Savior. We talked to some Jew lawyers, and rest assured, we can do this, and we will. Folks need to respect the laws in this country with all the gun trouble we've been having recently, and we believe this policy sets a good precedent for others to follow.

We at Landover also believe guns are a good form of self defense against our spiritual enemies: libbyrals, femmynists, demmycrats, upitty colored folks, and Mexicans who have had to much to drink.  Pastor Ebeneezer has been wearing a gun to the pulpit ever since the Cathylick Church sprang up across the street and urges Landover members to arm themselves "just in case that dang anti-christ (Pope) decides to pay a visit from Rome.  Remember, anyone against guns is "anti American" and that is the same thing as being "anti God." Organized protests are not allowed, and anyone who questions this new ministry will have their Church membership revoked and forfeit any down payments, tithes, or investments, back to the Church. 

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