1. COMB YOUR
Head lice are very
common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing
from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before
your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your
arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.
Spend the day before
your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or
a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus
to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission
before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate
on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet
unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click
here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.
Visit a jewelry
store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is
a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question
as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.
4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on
the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a
favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not
woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take
her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the
pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or
post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.
5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne.
The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian
Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible
until you smell like the pages.
6. TAKE HER
TO VISIT GOD
The best place for
a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when
she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic
dinner at Denny's!
7. GRILL HER
Use the time at
the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question
her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and
hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.
If you have not
had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra
precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back
against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie,
make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the
hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently
become a homosexual.
Some Christian phrases
that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about
you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility
(I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet
10. KEEP THE
If the bandage work
on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's
room and re-adjust the harnessing.
11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that
there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said
"yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even
holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you
are whisked away on your honeymoon!
Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find
a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.