August 2001







(Freehold, Iowa) Landover Baptist Church has discovered a revolutionary way to locate, and then evict, homosexuals in its community, schools and Cub Scout dens. The technique is based on information first provided by a participant in Mrs. Betty Bowers’ Ministry, Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals, the nation’s most lucrative ex-gay outreach program. The revelation occurred during the “Air Your Disgusting Laundry” session in which new participants are required to reveal their most depraved sexual encounters. With the help of the Holy Spirit (and Mrs. Bowers' proprietary "blood orange sodium penthanol" Veuve Cliquot punch), participants regale all present with seamy tales of shocking sexual liaisons in lurid, yet cathartic, detail. The meetings are recorded and the DVDs ($112, featuring "fetish search" and no regional coding) are sold to soon-to-be ex-gays throughout the nation. "Gay boys are snapping up those DVDs like they were 'Drowned World' tickets," remarked Mrs. Bowers. "It is inspiring how many little homos - some as young as 7 - embrace the chance to cure themselves of the pastime of being a homosexual by being willing to subject themselves to the shocking degradation of others. It's so astonishing that even trash can help others.

During a session last fall, Sullivan Andrews described, in gruesome detail, his group sex experiences in which his goal was to make sure he had no orifice left without something he obtusely nicknamed a "load." Particularly poignant (and disconcerting) were his descriptions of anal sex, including his preference for being penetrated by two or three men simultaneously (or just one, if the man is colored). One of the counselors remarked to the group that he could not understand how this could be pleasant. "Frankly, my assistant and I tried to diagram how a so-called 'triple-penetration' was possible without involving someone as limber as a 12-year-old Thai acrobat," confessed the counselor. "After some scientific experiments with assorted vegetables and a cantaloupe in the privacy of my apartment, I still don't know exactly how much needs to be inserted in the rectum before it starts feeling good or why men get pleasure form this." Andrews replied, “It’s the prostate, dude. The gland right behind the [unChristian word]. My doctor says it’s the most erogenous zone of the male body.”

The counselor immediately phoned Landover’s chief physician, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, who, in turn, informed Pastor Deacon Fred. “For some time, we have wondered what it is that makes otherwise good boys turn into screaming homos,” noted Pastor. “At one point, we concluded it must be something in the air. We now know, like most sins of depravity --and epilepsy-- it is the result of demon infestation. And this powerful demon has a name - ‘Prostate.’” “As soon as I heard from the counselor, I believed the boy’s story,” observed Dr. Edwards. “Why, just last year, old man Felcher was diagnosed with a cancer named after that very demon. I had just assumed those secular doctors had misdiagnosed him, like they do so often. Now, I know they were right. My wife said she couldn’t believe it, 'cause Felcher had been married for 62 years. Like that means anything! Rock Hudson, Tom Cruise and Gary Bauer have all been married, for crying out loud.”

Pastor Deacon Fred ordered Dr. Edwards and his staff to examine all Landover male members, based on Mr. Midtowne’s description and rough sketch, to determine which ones are infested with the demon, “Prostate,” (Vulgar Latin for "lie down with your face in a wadded-up tunic") and are therefore destined for lives as unrepentant sodomites. The staff was ordered to report any infestations to Pastor immediately so the demon-incubator could be promptly expelled from the church roster. Dr. Edwards balked at first, noting that the job of setting up camp at the entrances to thousands of men's anuses in hopes that a demon might peek out in an unguarded moment seemed “awfully distasteful.” However, Dr. Edwards’ assistant, medic Adrian Montrose, immediately stepped forward and selflessly volunteered to endure 18 months with his nose no more than two inches away from splayed buttock cheeks for the glory of God and the eradication of homosexuality.

Coincidentally, Montrose noted that he had just purchased long flexible hot-pink medical probes marketed by the physician "Doc Johnson" during a recent medical conference in Key West, Florida, precisely for use in proctologic examinations. The examinations began early last year. Despite working on this matter seven days a week, Montrose has not completed the examinations. While Mr. Montrose was miraculously able to detect the flight of demons in patients over 50 without them even having to remove their trousers, it became clear that the demons inhabiting very young adult males were much more crafty and had to be tenaciously coaxed out - sometimes over several painstaking days. To date, Montrose has not detected a Prostrate in any Gold or Platinum Level Tithers, confirming what Landover members have known all along - homosexuality is something a True Christianmight engage in, during a moment of weakness, but never enjoy.

 


 

 






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