[<Home] [<News Archives]                                                                        August 1999 

  Church members recall the lulling voice, the monotone cadence of speech, and some passage from Isaiah, but that is all they remember. For the first time in the history of our church, an entire congregation has been put to sleep by a sermon. Parishioners insist that it was not the length of the sermon that did it, most of the congregation was out cold in the first 15 minutes. "It was something about his voice," many insisted. "It was like listening to one of those metronomes, only it had a voice instead of a 'tick.'"

Rev. Charles T. Wilmington III was approved by a church sub-committee during Pastoral absentia. Pastor Smith was vacationing in Vancouver when he got the call. "That's fine," he assured, "you do what you think is best."  Rev. Wilmington, an 85 year old ex-riverboat gambler, moonshiner, Klansman, card shark, truck driver, circus clown, sheriff, alcoholic, tobacco farmer turned born again Christian, passed all the criteria to take the pulpit on Sunday morning.  Everything about the man was hearsay, however. No one had  heard the gentleman preach before. "And no one is ever going to hear him preach again," Pastor Smith announced, "at least not at this church." 

Church Doctor, Rev. Jonathan Edwards, took Pastor Wilmington aside in Fellowship Hall, after the service. He concluded that Wilmington was clearly not of sound mind. Dr. Edwards disclosed that Wilmington thought he was under arrest, and insisted on finding a $10.00 table." 

"Never again." Pastor Ebeneezer Smith announced to the subcommittee in charge of booking visiting evangelists. "Never again, will I let you people make any decisions while I am away! I don't care if I am walking the hill toward Golgotha! This is not going to happen again! Thank the Lord Jesus he wasn't preaching in the main sanctuary!" 

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