Most of Landover's church records dating back to the early 1600's are too gruesome to share with the general public. Church historian, Dora Jean Hazlett, is reserved to spending countless days sifting tirelessly through boxes of shrunken heads, tomahawks, and tiny little baby Injun bones in the storage basement of the Landover Baptist American Christian History Museum. She finds old newspapers and family letters that recount the terrible atrocities suffered upon the early members of our congregation by the red-skinned race. "What becomes perfectly clear," says Dora Jean, "is that the secular media's idea of a Thanksgiving, with Injuns and Pilgrims sitting around a table smiling, is just a made up lie by politically correct liberals." Mrs. Hazlett relates that the actual "Thanksgiving" was more like a quick prayer to Jesus for a painless death by a few Pilgrims before their heads were hacked off by savages and boiled in a pot for cannibal stew. "Our records indicate that the savagery didn't quell until Pastor Deacon Fred's great-great-great-great-great-great Pilgrim grandfather showed the Injuns that there were other things to eat besides human flesh, like corn.

In these modern times, Americans are left to celebrate a cheap mockery of the true Thanksgiving. Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred, is quick to remind his parishioners how important it is to keep Injuns sedated and caged up on reservations. "Today's Injun makes his home not in a tee-pee, but a trailer!" says Pastor. "He drinks booze, lives off our tax money, and dreams of owning a casino. And although it might sound controversial, I believe it's best just to keep it that way. Because we all know what happens when you take the bone out of a dog's mouth! They start to growl, and cause trouble," he said. "The only way to get them flesh eaters to turn their lives around for good is to give them a taste of the crisp, salty, Sunday morning fresh body of Christ! But, speaking from personal experience, it's so dangerous sharing Jesus with a devil loving Injun, I believe it is better left to the experts. There are only a few circumstances that I can think of where it would be advisable for a True Christian® layperson who is not a trained Injun missionary to attempt at sharing Jesus with such a depraved race." Pastor Deacon Fred went on to relate what he called, "Three Witnessing Tips for Lay People Who Manage to Get Close Enough to an Injun Without Being Vomited On." He asked that we place those tips online for the edification and education of our internet readers.

Witness by Example

Jesus taught us to live by example, and it works. When folks see something you've got, that they haven't, they want to know how to get it. The best method for hands off witnessing is to show people that your life is better than theirs. When Injuns see that they are not invited to attend our Thanksgiving festivities, and they see all of the wonderful cars, expensive clothes, extravagant dining, and the splendid edifice of Landover Baptist Church, towering in the background, you can rest assured that the only reason they are protesting is because they are jealous! Jealous of the Lord Jesus shining through our lives as a testimony to the great rewards that await the righteous! We've had a number of testimonies from Landover Baptist Prison guards who have led many a jailed Injun to Christ in the midnight hour for a cold piece of bread and a glass of water.

Target the Children

Persuading little Injun children to accept Jesus is an easy chore, if you can get separate them from their parents long enough to sit through this year's Thanksgiving play. I guarantee that after seeing this production, the little cannibals will either run away from home, or be so terrified of their red-skinned relatives, they'll beg on their hands and knees to be admitted to the Landover Baptist Orphanage for the Unsaved. This year, our Junior High School youth group is going to depict the Freehold Iowa Injun scalping massacre and cannibal dinner using actual human body parts donated from the Landover Morgue. Don't let your Christian children miss this wonderful play, and bring along an Injun child, even if you have to pick one out of a shopping cart at your local Wal-Mart!

Use the Booze

A drunk Injun is a common enough thing, but did you know that while an Injun is intoxicated it might well be the safest time to approach one? An Injun is happiest and most content while they are in a drunken stupor. They are approachable, and yes, even friendly! Why not take this time to share the good news of Jesus Christ? You'd be a fool not to take advantage of the situation! And if you don't, when Jesus rolls back the film of your life on Judgment Day, you can bet that He'll be asking you, "What about this time here, when you had an opportunity to tell this poor drunk savage about Me?" Don't pass on an opportunity like that if it comes your way, or Jesus might very well pass you up when He starts picking people He wants to live with Him in Heaven.