Don't Let Those Feather Headed Pilgrim Killers Ruin Your Christian Thanksgiving!

Protecting Your Church From Injun Attack

Freehold, Iowa - As Thanksgiving time draws near, much like our Puritan ancestors, the hearts and minds of Landover Baptist Church members are once again filled with worries about what the irascible, drunk rabble of local bottom-baring Injuns will think up to spoil this year’s festivities. Committees are formed, construction is approved, and precautions are already underway in fortifying the multi-million dollar Landover Baptist Church campus and all of its outlying gated Christian communities in Freehold, Iowa, from the inevitable onslaught of jealous rage that creeps in like a cancerous infection in early November and usually culminates in the uneventful death of several dozen drunk red-skinned savages on Thanksgiving Day.  Dogs have been stationed at all entrances that have been specially trained to sniff out feathers and gin made from ingredients found at any drug store.

“It is bad enough that we have to live until Glory in a state named after one of those infernal tribes of people more likely to grease the backside of a buffalo for their demonic pleasure than hold down a simple job,” lamented Pastor Deacon Fred.  “Do you know what Iowa means?  It’s Injun for ‘one who puts to sleep.’ And if any of you have ever had to try and have a conversation with one of those feather headed savages, you’ll know why.”

For over 200 years now, local Injuns have tried to forcefully invite themselves to Landover's Godly Thanksgiving festivities. And for over 200 years, the Lord Almighty has protected His faithful from these nefarious would-be intruders by flicking them from church grounds with his 20-foot invisible fingers, like little red boogers. "These are the same so-called, 'people,' who killed our Godly ancestors and used their scalps as sanitary napkins for their squaws," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And they still refuse to apologize!" Over the years, Landover missionaries have been sent to remote areas as far as almost ten miles away from church, in hopes of leading godless red-skinned savages to Christ and recovering stolen lawn ornaments.

"We're not dealing with Casino owning Injuns who have the decency to cut their hair, wipe their red bottoms, don a collared shirt and tie and attend church on Sunday mornings," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We've got a real problem up here in Freehold, Iowa. Not only do our local savages  still worship  false gods and have hair longer than Crystal Gayle, not one of these useless pelt-wearing boozehounds owns even a basement casino.  So it is real hard to justify going to all the time and expense of bringing them to Jesus when they can’t tithe one red cent when they get there!”  

Landover Baptist Church is keenly aware of the fact that some churches in America have a more welcoming attitude to Injuns.  “Frankly, I find the naivety of folks who’ve never met an Indian outside of a baseball diamond sort of sweet,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick.  “But it is up to those of us who have had to deal with the indigenous boozers and losers of America to help other churches learn how to become unwelcoming before they find their wives kidnapped in some satanic ‘choochie for hoochie’ scam under the filthy canvas tent of some reservation carnival.”   

"There are lots of other churches who are unfortunately located in remote areas where our liberal government has given away free land to folks who killed the first Christians who came to this country," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We'd like to relate our vast experience in protecting our church from these savages during this delicate time of the year to other True Traditional Christians™ who suffer the same attacks."

As such, the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons makes available some of our handy tips for protecting your church from Injuns who come out like demons for revenge and try to ruin God's glorious Thanksgiving holyday.


How Can I, as a True Christian™ Help Protect True Americans™ from Godless Injuns this Thanksgiving?

1. Pray for the salvation of these savage people. That they might one day recognize Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and find solace in drinking His precious blood each Sunday morning instead of searching for the false peace that lay at the bottom of the plastic bottles of isopropyl alcohol they consume each night of their god forsaken lives.

2. If God is not quick to answer your prayers, and the situation is imminent - oftentimes the old fashioned way is best. Our Godly Christian ancestors who founded this great Christian Nation were not afraid to offer up salvation at the end of a musket jammed full of gunpowder. We suggest dressing up as one of your Pilgrim ancestors and purchasing a real musket. Gather up some brethren to do the same, and make your way on foot into the heart of the nearest Injun reservation or carnival. Act quickly when you see the first red skins and tell them to gather fresh corn for you or prepare to meet the "Great Spirit in the Sky." Chances are they will do your bidding immediately. March them back to the church picnic area and after seizing the corn, give them over to the custody of Church Security. We've had great success in leading what we now call, "volunteer corn bearers," into the fold of Christ after only a few hours in a small iron cage with nothing more than a Bible, and a hot iron poker. We have several dozen of these converts who have had their hair trimmed, learned to wipe their red behinds, and have had their skin hue lightened to a less offensive color. They are now gainfully employed as dishwashers in several popular Baptist restaurants around Freehold.

3. History shows that we can control Injuns better once we have made them Christian.  Therefore, take time to find out if there is a local Christian congregation that is careless enough not to mind sharing their pews and daughters with these half-humans.

4. The first defense in Injun Awareness is being able to spot them.  A lot of Injuns take advantage of the fact that they look different from normal folks to pass for Pakistanis, Hawaiians and even Chinese.  The most reliable way to pick out a practicing Injun is to look carefully at their lips.  Because redskins spend hours each evening hopping on one foot around a campfire while slapping their fingers onto their lips while making “woo-woo” sounds, their lips are always badly bruised.  (Note: this test is not always 100% reliable and Landover Baptist, once again, apologized to Miss Meg Ryan for the unfortunate and embarrassing incident that occurred last weekend.)

5. After 200 years of experience with these critters, we have found that the most successful tactic for ensuring that your church is left in peace during its holiday celebration is to litter the periphery of your property with dice, playing cards and 72-ounce jugs of Smirnoff vodka.  No Injun can walk past any of these Satanic calling cards without engaging in an increasingly debauched and spirited game of craps or “go fish” that will last well into the following weekend.  With any luck, half of your problem will be killed over drunken quarrels that will arise out of the inevitable cheating.






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