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The Ramadan Fast: Crazy New Diet Fad Sweeps Middle East!  

Tips on Sharing Jesus With a Muslim on the Ramadan Diet!

Freehold, Iowa - Landover Baptist received word recently that Satan is prancing around the Middle East like that preoperative transsexual Richard Simmons after a fistful of diet pills, hell-bent on turning Muslamic adults, known for their quaint propensity to believe any stupid thing they are told, against eating food by getting them hooked on a dangerous new weight reduction plan called, The Ramadan Diet.  But Lucifer's crafty goal extends well beyond simply having folks shed that almost impossible-to-lose jiggly thigh fat.  His Ramadan Diet is not really a plan to lose weight at all, but a promise to lose salvation.  You see, Satan has figured out that if people refuse to eat anything, there is no way a Christian pastor can save their soul by getting them to nibble on a consecrated piece of the body of Christ.  As such, it is your Christian duty to call naďve Muslamics out of the Ramadan Diet, using either the spiritual food of Christ's Good News or a rubber feeding tube.

You shouldn’t feel any sense of guilt or remorse for breaking some poor Muslamic's Ramadan Diet. You should feel empowered by the Holy Ghost to carry out the will of the Living God! You are taking back something the Devil stole from Jesus, and distorted into a mockery and dangerous fad! And don’t you think for a minute it isn’t true! Islam is a religion built on sand – literally.  From the day Ishmael was born from the loins of Hagar  (the Paris Hilton of her day who was almost certainly addicted to body piercings and the taste of African semen), his hellbound descendents have been stealing weapons, technology, food, jewelry, clothing, whole countries, and yes, even ideas (like fasting) out of the Holy Bible! Throughout human history, Islamaloids have not made a single legitimate contribution to society outside of distracting Americans from President Bush's domestic policies for their own good.

If you run across an Islamic caught up in the Ramadan Diet, it is your duty as a True Christian™ to use this one time out of the year to resist your righteous impulse to wring the neck of a possible terrorist and, instead, entice him or her to eat.  The only hope these poor, backward, barbarian fools have in this world is the hope that a True Christian™ like you, will take time out of your busy day, to break their godless fast and share the good news of Jesus Christ.

TIPS:  As a True Christian™, What Can I Do to Break the Devil’s Fast and Share Jesus With a Muslim on the  Ramadan Diet?

1. Realize that enticing someone off of a diet can often best be accomplished if it is done gradually.  Don't offer up a roasted hedgehog if a Chips Ahoy cookie will do the trick.  If the Ramadan dieter first appears reluctant to eat, try telling her, "Look, if you are worried about putting on weight, you can always make yourself vomit later."

2. One way you can help a Muslim fudge his fast is to get two strong Christian men to hold him while another opens his mouth. You can then insert food into his mouth (ham-hocks are a good choice because the thick bones can be used to keep the jaw ajar, making the introduction of a torrent of wet, soft foodstuffs possible) . Tease his throat with your palm or the eraser end of a No. 2 pencil to invoke the swallowing reflex (this is also a perfect opportunity to uncover sodomites for later witnessing, as homosexuals have no gag reflex). When you are sure that all of  the food has been ingested, insert a piece of chewing gum or hard candy in the back of the throat to ensure that the food blessing stays where Jesus wants it (in the sinner's stomach -- avoid the trachea, as any resultant death before salvation undermines the central purpose of reaching out to these crazy people in the first place), leave a Bible and the popular Chick Tract: Allah Had No Son, on the sinner's stomach and move on to the next heathen.

3. Get to the children first. Muslim children are even more stupid than the adult Muslims and are very susceptible to temptation. Fill your pockets with candy (or anything else you suspect a Muslim child might be forbidden to have) and Bible tracts and visit an area of your city in where Muslim children are present.  Listen for wildly oscillating yelping that is the vocal calling card of Ismalics the world over. This should be done in the late morning hours near lunchtime, when the little Moon Worshippers’ stomachs are growling and they are at their weakest. Simply hand out wads of baloney, free candy and tracts to the starving, easily broken children. Tell them that it is a-okay with Mr. Allah if they stuff their little faces with luncheon meat or candy, but they must never tell their parents about the wonderful food Mr. Allah gave them.  And if they don't read the tract afterwards, Mr. Allah will rape their parents.

4. If you live in a predominately Christian area, like Freehold, Iowa, and there are only a few stray Muslim families present that have not yet been driven from their Christian development, get everyone in your community to agree to act like October (a time when, for reasons unknown, the Ramadan Diet goes into full swing) has already come and gone.  Within days of Labor Day, start festooning your front doors and public spaces with Thanksgiving decorations.  Postdate all your checks and start wearing sweaters and overcoats, regardless of the temperature outside.  Rented crop dusters, generously paid for by Landover Baptist, will complete the autumnal illusion by dropping thousands of tons of Agent Orange on all of the county's deciduous trees in the middle of the night on September 30, making your "Happy November!" wishes on first day of October appear so much more convincing to easily duped Muslims. It is important to note that evildoers are usually in a constant state of delirium from malnutrition during the Ramadan Diet, so they will believe just about anything. Invite the Muslim families out for a missionary dinner. After the meal is over, reveal to them that the date it is not November 29th, but actually October 20th. During their initial state of shock over this revelation, move in quickly with scripture and Bible teaching. They are in an extremely vulnerable state at this time and will perhaps be willing to switch religions since you have them cornered on how badly they just screwed up with the first one.

5. If you are a Christian businessman and, through oversight or bad luck, have a Muslim in your employ, you must consider it is a safety risk, as well as an erosion of your bottom line to have them work without availing themselves several times a day to your coin-operated snack machines.  Folks tend to be dehydrated, tired, and indifferent if they are hooked on the Ramadan Diet. No one likes garden variety Islamic scum working at his side, but it is even more dangerous to have a hungry Islamic in the workplace.  When folks are famished, they get irritable.  When normal people get irritable, they can snap.  But when Islamics get irritable, they snap on some grenades to their suspenders and the next thing you know your warehouse and several hourly workers are a smoldering pile of debris.  The best thing to do is fire them before this happens.  If they sue you, don't worry.  Christian trial attorneys can keep them swamped with interrogatories until the Rapture removes you for the court's jurisdiction.  

6. Find a particularly religious Muslim and tell them that you have always been interested in Islam and you are willing to yell derisive taunts and personal insults at your former Savior and convert to Islam – but only if they will break their fast out of a solemn concern for your soul.  If they need further softening up, say something flattering about terrorists.  If they waiver, get them to eat something that they will develop a physical addiction to, like a whole box of nicotine gum or pudding laced with Oxycontin.  That way, they will be less able to resist eating more even when you tell them you were just kidding about converting to their godless faith. Use the vulnerability that often comes with narcotic withdrawal as an opening to pull out your Bible and hammer them with the good news of Jesus Christ!

Please Note: These tips must be carried out in broad daylight.  Muslims take a break to stuff their bellies after the sun goes down, so they are not as easily swayed near dusk.

True Bible Based Fasting:

The Bible teaches us that fasting only honors the Lord if it is done, like anything affecting an unclothed body, in secret (Matthew 6:18). In order to preserve the secret between you and Jesus, if later asked how an apparent weight loss was accomplished, a scripturally mindful faster will throw a prying questioner off the scent by replying: "dysentery."   As True Christians™ we also understand that fasting doesn’t accomplish anything pleasing to the Lord in men, but can allow a Christian lady to preserve her comeliness in the marital bed for several years beyond the time a husband naturally grows to regard his wife as unattractive, if not downright repulsive.  This, of course, is but one of the many dangers of fasting.  While sexual attraction between a husband and wife is technically not a sin, most Baptists agree that it is nevertheless so smutty and so dirty if the desire is genuine that there is something inherently "sin-like" about the whole enterprise of intercourse (regardless of the hole that is eventually chosen for entry).

"Look," says Landover Baptist Health and Beauty Expert, Mrs. Heather Hardwick (BA, Domestic Science from DeVry University), "If the Lord Jesus wanted us to starve to death, He would have made us a little colored baby in Africa. Instead, He has blessed us with an abundance of biscuits, cookies, cakes and nibbly little things all but screaming to be wrapped in bacon.  To refuse the bounty of a loving Lord is not only bad manners, I regard it as out-and-out blasphemy."  It is with this in mind that Mrs. Hardwick is spearheading a campaign to crack down on the dangerous new diet fad called Ramadan that is all the rage in unsaved Islamic countries.  "It's just plain sad to see those silly Muslamic gals vainly fasting for a god that doesn't exist enough to notice," said Heather with a sigh of heartfelt concern as she daintily licked a dollop of non-dairy topping from her lower lip and chin.  "I mean, first off, everyone knows that those Arab men, if they are not beheading someone on pay-per-view, never take their eyes off boys and livestock long enough to notice if a gal has shed a few pounds.  Second, with those silly tarpaulins those women wear, who in the world is going to notice if they drop a few sack sizes?  That is why I am encouraging all Christians to help these poor lambs from themselves.  During Ramadan, if you see a burka, pop a donut in the opening."





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