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The Ramadan Fast: Crazy New Diet Fad
Sweeps Middle East! Tips
on Sharing Jesus With a Muslim on the Ramadan Diet!
 Freehold,
Iowa - Landover Baptist received word recently that Satan is prancing
around the Middle East like that preoperative transsexual Richard Simmons after a fistful of diet pills,
hell-bent on turning Muslamic adults, known for their quaint propensity to believe any
stupid thing they are told, against eating food by getting them hooked on a
dangerous new weight reduction plan called, The
Ramadan Diet. But Lucifer's crafty
goal extends well beyond simply having folks shed that almost
impossible-to-lose jiggly thigh fat. His
Ramadan Diet is not really a plan to lose weight at all, but a promise to lose
salvation. You see, Satan has
figured out that if people refuse to eat anything, there is no way a Christian
pastor can save their soul by getting them to nibble on a consecrated piece of
the body of Christ. As such, it is
your Christian duty to call naďve Muslamics out of the Ramadan Diet, using
either the spiritual food of Christ's Good News or a rubber feeding tube.
You shouldn’t feel any sense of guilt or remorse for breaking some poor
Muslamic's Ramadan Diet. You should feel empowered by the Holy Ghost to carry
out the will of the Living God! You are taking back something the Devil stole
from Jesus, and distorted into a mockery and dangerous fad! And don’t you
think for a minute it isn’t true! Islam is a religion built on sand –
literally. From the day Ishmael
was born from the loins of Hagar (the Paris Hilton of her day who was
almost certainly addicted to body piercings and the taste of African semen),
his hellbound descendents have been stealing weapons, technology, food,
jewelry, clothing, whole countries, and yes, even ideas (like fasting) out of
the Holy Bible! Throughout human history, Islamaloids have not made a single
legitimate contribution to society outside of distracting Americans from
President Bush's domestic policies for their own good.
If you run across an Islamic caught up in the Ramadan Diet, it is your duty
as a True Christian™ to use this one time out of the year to resist your
righteous impulse to wring the neck of a possible terrorist and, instead,
entice him or her to eat. The
only hope these poor, backward, barbarian fools have in this world is the hope
that a True Christian™ like you, will take time out of your busy day, to
break their godless fast and share the good news of Jesus Christ.
| TIPS: As a True Christian™, What Can I Do to Break the Devil’s Fast
and Share Jesus With a Muslim on the Ramadan Diet? |
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1. Realize that enticing someone off of a diet can often best be
accomplished if it is done gradually.
Don't offer up a roasted hedgehog if a Chips Ahoy cookie will do
the trick. If the Ramadan
dieter first appears reluctant to eat, try telling her, "Look, if
you are worried about putting on weight, you can always make yourself
vomit later."
2.
One way you can help a Muslim fudge his fast is to get two strong
Christian men to hold him while another opens his mouth. You can then
insert food into his mouth (ham-hocks are a good choice because the
thick bones can be used to keep the jaw ajar, making the introduction of
a torrent of wet, soft foodstuffs
possible) . Tease his throat with your palm or the eraser end of a No. 2
pencil to invoke the swallowing reflex (this is also a perfect
opportunity to uncover sodomites for later witnessing, as homosexuals
have no gag reflex). When you are sure that all of the food has been ingested, insert a piece of chewing gum or
hard candy in the back of the throat to ensure that the food blessing
stays where Jesus wants it (in the sinner's stomach -- avoid the
trachea, as any resultant death before salvation undermines the central
purpose of reaching out to these crazy people in the first place), leave
a Bible and the popular Chick Tract: Allah
Had No Son, on the sinner's stomach and move on to the next heathen.
3.
Get to the children first. Muslim children are even more stupid than the
adult Muslims and are very
susceptible to temptation. Fill your pockets with candy (or anything
else you suspect a Muslim child might be forbidden to have) and Bible
tracts and visit an area of your city in where Muslim children are
present. Listen for wildly
oscillating yelping that is the vocal calling card of Ismalics the world
over. This should be done in the late morning hours near lunchtime, when
the little Moon
Worshippers’ stomachs are growling and they are at their weakest.
Simply hand out wads of baloney, free candy and tracts to the starving,
easily broken children. Tell them that it is a-okay with Mr. Allah if
they stuff their little faces with luncheon meat or candy, but they must
never tell their parents about the wonderful food Mr. Allah gave them.
And if they don't read the tract afterwards, Mr. Allah will rape their
parents.
4.
If you live in a predominately Christian area, like Freehold, Iowa, and
there are only a few stray Muslim families present that have not yet
been driven from their Christian development, get everyone in your
community to agree to act like October (a time when, for reasons
unknown, the Ramadan Diet goes into full swing) has already come and
gone. Within days of Labor
Day, start festooning your front doors and public spaces with
Thanksgiving decorations. Postdate
all your checks and start wearing sweaters and overcoats, regardless of
the temperature outside. Rented
crop dusters, generously paid for by Landover Baptist, will complete the
autumnal illusion by dropping thousands of tons of Agent Orange on all
of the county's deciduous trees in the middle of the night on September
30, making your "Happy November!" wishes on first day of
October appear so much more convincing to easily duped Muslims. It is
important to note that evildoers are usually in a constant state of delirium
from malnutrition during the Ramadan Diet, so they will believe just
about anything. Invite the Muslim families out for a missionary dinner.
After the meal is over, reveal to them that the date it is not November
29th, but actually October 20th. During their initial state of shock
over this revelation, move in quickly with scripture and Bible teaching.
They are in an extremely vulnerable state at this time and will perhaps
be willing to switch religions since you have them cornered on how badly
they just screwed up with the first one.
5.
If you are a Christian businessman and, through oversight or bad luck,
have a Muslim in your employ, you must consider it is a safety risk, as
well as an erosion of your bottom line to have them work without
availing themselves several times a day to your coin-operated snack
machines. Folks tend
to be dehydrated, tired, and indifferent if they are hooked on the
Ramadan Diet. No one likes garden variety Islamic scum working
at his side, but it is even more dangerous to have a hungry Islamic
in the workplace. When
folks are famished, they get irritable.
When normal people get irritable, they can snap.
But when Islamics get irritable, they snap on some grenades to
their suspenders and the next thing you know your warehouse and several
hourly workers are a smoldering pile of debris. The
best thing to do is fire them before this happens.
If they sue you, don't worry.
Christian trial attorneys can keep them swamped with
interrogatories until the Rapture removes you for the court's
jurisdiction.
6.
Find a particularly religious Muslim and tell them that you have always
been interested in Islam and you are willing to yell derisive taunts and
personal insults at your former Savior and convert to Islam – but only
if they will break their fast out of a solemn concern for your soul. If
they need further softening up, say something flattering about
terrorists. If they waiver,
get them to eat something that they will develop a physical addiction
to, like a whole box of nicotine gum or pudding laced with Oxycontin.
That way, they will be less able to resist eating more even when
you tell them you
were just kidding about converting to their godless faith. Use the vulnerability that often comes with narcotic
withdrawal as an opening to pull out your Bible and hammer them with the
good news of Jesus Christ!
Please Note:
These tips must be carried out in broad daylight. Muslims take a break to
stuff their bellies after the sun goes down, so they are not as easily swayed
near dusk.
|
 True
Bible Based Fasting:
The
Bible teaches us that fasting only honors the Lord if it is done, like
anything affecting an unclothed body, in secret (Matthew 6:18). In order to
preserve the secret between you and Jesus, if later asked how an apparent
weight loss was accomplished, a scripturally mindful faster will throw a
prying questioner off the scent by replying: "dysentery."
As True Christians™ we also understand that fasting doesn’t
accomplish anything pleasing to the Lord in men, but can allow a Christian
lady to preserve her comeliness in the marital bed for several years beyond
the time a husband naturally grows to regard his wife as unattractive, if not
downright repulsive. This, of course, is but one of the many dangers of fasting.
While sexual attraction between a husband and wife is technically not a
sin, most Baptists agree that it is nevertheless so smutty and so dirty if the
desire is genuine that there is something inherently "sin-like"
about the whole enterprise of intercourse (regardless of the hole that is
eventually chosen for entry).
"Look," says Landover Baptist Health and Beauty Expert, Mrs.
Heather Hardwick (BA, Domestic Science from DeVry
University), "If the Lord Jesus wanted us to starve to death, He
would have made us a little colored baby in Africa. Instead, He has blessed us
with an abundance of biscuits, cookies, cakes and nibbly little things all but
screaming to be wrapped in bacon. To
refuse the bounty of a loving Lord is not only bad manners, I regard it as
out-and-out blasphemy." It
is with this in mind that Mrs. Hardwick is spearheading a campaign to crack
down on the dangerous new diet fad called Ramadan that is all the rage in
unsaved Islamic countries. "It's
just plain sad to see those silly Muslamic gals vainly fasting for a god that
doesn't exist enough to notice," said Heather with a sigh of heartfelt
concern as she daintily licked a dollop of non-dairy topping from her lower
lip and chin. "I mean, first
off, everyone knows that those Arab men, if they are not beheading someone on
pay-per-view, never take their eyes off boys and livestock long enough to
notice if a gal has shed a few pounds. Second,
with those silly tarpaulins those women wear, who in the world is going to
notice if they drop a few sack sizes? That
is why I am encouraging all Christians to help these poor lambs from
themselves. During Ramadan, if you see a burka, pop a donut in the
opening."
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1998-ROJC™, Americhrist Ltd.
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