Feedin' the Cows- Unknown "On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied, "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it"  

My Dog- Unknown "Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am"  

A Priest Accepted the Gift - Dr. A. C. Dixon One Sunday morning, a Roman Catholic priest appeared before a congregation of a thousand pesons in an Illinois town and said, "My people, I resign my priesthood," though he had been a priest there for thirty years. At their earnest request he gave his reasons why he did so:  

"Last night I spent every hour praising God. All sleep had left me. After reading the New Testament I saw that salvation is in Jesus Christ, and is the gift of God's eternal love. Penance is not in it. Purgatory is not in it. Absolution is not in it. On my knees in my room I accepted the Gift, and I love the Giver, and I walked the room most of the night saying to myself: "I accept the Gift, and I love the Giver'." And thus for an hour and a half Father Chiniquy expounded to the people the Grace of God. At the close of the sermon he asked how many of them would join with him in accepting the Gift and loving the Giver. Every man, woman, and child, except about forty, responded. And that is a Presbyterian church today.  

Advisory Members- John R. Rice "An American Negro, who was so singularly lazy as to be quite a problem, got converted in a revival. His associates in the church were extremely anxious to know whether he would now bestir himself and go to work. The Negro attended a meeting and offered a prayer, in which occurred the petition, "Use me, Lord, use me-- in an advisory capacity."  

A Penny - Unknown  A small boy observed his mother put a penny on the offering plate at the morning service. On the way home from church, she freely criticized the poor sermon they had heard. "But, Mother," said the boy, "what could you expect for a penny?"  

No, no, no, no, No! No! - Dr. Jack Hyles "When I was a child my mother would often ask me this question, "Son, would you like a cigarette?" I would say, "No!" Over and over again she would ask the same question and I would give the same answer. She was trying to get me to associate the word "No" with cigarettes. She did the same thing about liquor and other temptations. She would hold up cigarette ads in front of me and say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Then she would ask me to do the same thing. I would look at the cigarette ad and say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" until the two words "cigarette" and "no" became associated indelibly in my subconscious mind. Every great nation, whether her philosophies were right or wrong, rose to greatness using this method of teaching."  

Soul Winning- John R. Rice "When I was a university student, one summer I won sixty-six people using Isaiah 55:6 and 7."  

Making a Man out of a Boy - Dr. Jack Hyles "Dress him like a man. As soon as his hair gets a bit shaggy, have it cut! It is better that little Johnny start life being masculine than to retain those beautiful ringlets at the age of two. Cut off those ringlets and make him look like a man. From the very first time that he is old enough to wear clothes, dress him like a boy, cut his hair like a boy, and make sure he always looks like a man. Teach him to be around boys that dress like boys. Teach him it is not Scriptural for a boy or man to have long hair or effeminate tastes in clothing. Read I Corinthians 11:14."  

I Am Offended - Curtis Hutson "A lady approached a great preacher of yesteryear and stated that she was offended by his necktie. It was a small string tie that the lady didn't approve of. He politely handed her a pair of scissors and told her to clip it off, which she promptly did. When she handed the scissors back to him, he said, "I am offended by your tongue."  

A Good Church - Dr. Jack Hyles "One should always consider the availability of good fundamental churches near his place of work. It is spiritual suicide for one's children when he carelessly takes a job in an area not knowing if there is a good fundamental church available. There is a man in my present pastorate whose company is moving. He has a very responsible position with his company. Rather than leave and take his boys out of our church, he is leaving the company with which he has been for many years and is staying right here. We think he is making the right decision."  

Don't Be Afraid to Offend- John R. Rice "Worldly Christians think you could win more souls if you preach on Heaven but never on Hell; if you preach on faith but never on repentance! They think you can get more people saved if you never whip your children, if you never enforce the law, if you never offend anybody!"  

Immodesty - Dr. Jack Schapp "Anything that is distracting is Biblically immodest. We tend to think that only bare thighs or plunging necklines are immodest; however, clothing that is dirty, unpressed, out of style, or ill-fitting is also immodest, as is dirty or uncombed hair, poorly applied makeup (even the absence of makeup can be immodest if it distracts from the overall look of balance and harmony), or not wearing hose and dress shoes with a dress."  

Contradictions- Curtis Hutson "A good rule to follow is: never use an obscure passage to contradict several clear passages. So whatever Hebrews 6:4-6 means, it certainly does not contradict the clear passages which teach the believer has everlasting or eternal life."  

Churches Doesn't Die Dat Way - The Sword Scrapbook A devout colored preacher whose heart was aglow with missionary zeal, gave notice to his congregation that in the evening an offering would be taken for missions, and asked for liberal gifts. A selfish, well-to-do man in the congregation said to him before the service: "Yer gwine to kill this church if yer goes on saying 'give.' No church can stan' it. Yer gwine ter kill it." 

After the sermon the colored minister said to the people: "Brodder Jones tol' me I's gwine ter kill dis church if'n I kep' astin yer to give, but, my breddern, churches doesn't die dat way. If'n anybody knows of a church which died 'cause its been givin' too much to de Lord, I'se be very much 'bliged ef my brodder will tell me whar dat church is, for I'se gwine to visit it, and I'se'll climb on de walls ov dat church, under de light of de moon and cry, 'Blessed are de daid dat die in de Lawd.'"  

Better Than a One-way Ticket- Sunday School Times A Christian woman was once talking to a servant of Christ about the assurance of her saftey in the Saviour and said, "I have taken a single ticket to Glory, and do not intend to come back." Whereupon the man of God replied: "You are going to miss a lot. I have taken a return ticket, for I am not only going to meet Christ in Glory, but I am coming back with him in power and great glory to the earth."  

Sermon- Unknown "No sermon is ever quite a success which leaves men satisfied with themselves"  

HELL - Catherine Dangell HELL! the prison house of despair, Here are some things that will be there: 
* Fire and brimstone are there, we know, For God in His Word hath told us so; 
* Memory, remorse, suffering and pain, Weeping and wailing, but all in vain; 
* Blasphemers, swearers, haters of God, Christ-rejectors while here on earth trod; 
* Murderers, gamblers, drunkards and liars, Will all have their part in the lake of fire; 
* The filthy, the vile, the cruel and mean, What a horrible mob in Hell will be seen! 
* Yes more than humans on earth can tell, Are torments and woes of Eternal HELL!  

John Wanamaker's Bible- The Sword Scrapbook When he had become one of the country's greatest merchants, John Wanamaker once said, "In my lifetime, I have made many purchases. I have bought things which have cost me thousands of dollars. But the greatest purchase I ever made was when I was a boy twelve years old. Then I bought a Bible for two dollars and fifty cents. That was my greatest purchase, for that Bible made me what I am today.  

The Heat - Reville "During last summer's heat-wave, a church in the Midwest put this on its bulletin board: 'You think it's hot here?'"  

Nagging - Gospel Herald "Nagging has sent many a man to destruction and driven some women to despair. You can nag in any language that human lips have spoken. You can nag when your lips are tight shut by lifting the eyebrows, tossing the head, or sneering a sneer. It is not confined to sex. It is due to disposition. The one who nags injures himself and is cruel in the extreme to the one attacked. A good, old-fashioned quarrel is preferable. If the continual dropping of water wears away a stone, it is no less true that constant nagging will ruin the best disposition. If you have a complaint, make it, but don't nag. If you have been injured, say so, and don't nag. If you have a request to make, make it, but stop nagging. Most people nag when they are tired; wome, when they are ill or neglected; others when they themselves are not right; and some, because of downright, old-fashioned, meanness. Nagging is a sin against yourself, your household, your husband, your wife, your friends. Why not list it with other sins? That is where it belongs. No Christian can be guilty of it and be a true follower of Jesus."  

Fishin'- Dr. Jack Hyles "A fellow told me one time, 'Brother Jack, if you trim your message you'll go all the way to the top.' I said, 'I've fished some, and I knowone thing: When fish are alive, they stay at the bottom; when they are dead, they come to the top.' I'll stay alive."  

Lincoln - Unknown "This country didn't stop producing men like Lincoln; we just stopped ELECTING men like him."  

Heaven and Hell - Dr. Bob Jones Sr. "There is a law of gravitation in the spiritual world just as there is a law of gravitation in the physical world. The rich man did not go to Hell just because he had money, and the poor man did not go to Heaven just because he was broke. The rich man went to his place and the beggar went to his place. Heaven is a place, and Hell is a place; but these places are what they are because of the people who are there. A sinner would not be happy in Heaven. He would be out of step. He would sing off key. He could not stand the decency. There would be no night in which he could hide to commit his sin. I speak reverently. If a drunkard went to Heaven just as he is in this world, he would look for a bootlegger. If a gambler should step off this planet into Heaven just as he is, he would try to get into a poker game. If a godless politician should step out of the underworld of an American city and go to Heaven just like he is, he would not be happy because he could not organize the angels and the redeemed to put over dirty political schemes in God's eternal city."  

One Man Salvation- Dr. John R. Rice "It is a virtue in a woman if she is a one-man woman. Men are proud of a dog if that dog does not run after anybody else's wagon, if he just likes one man. It is good to get settled in your mind that we have a one-Man salvation. Too many people have two-men salvation. They think, "I do half and the Lord Jesus does half." For some people it takes a whole company to get them saved, for they think God has some part of it, Christ has part of it, and the Virgin Mary has part of it, the priest has part of it, all the saints have part of it, and thenif they do right and hold out faithful, and if after they die other people pay enough to the priest to pray them out of purgatory, they might get to Heaven. That is too many people to depend on. I am preaching on a one-Man salvation."  

Lengthy Sermons - Unknown "Some people think a 30-minute sermon is too long, so they substitue a 300-column Sunday paper."  

The Table Liquor Spreads - Gospel Herald The story is told of a poor woman who went to a saloon in search of her husband. She found him there, and setting a covered dish, which she had brought with her, upon the table, she said, "Thinking that you are too busy to come home to dinner, I have brought you yours," and departed. With a laugh the man invited his friends to dine with him; but on removing the cover from the dish he found only a slip of paper, on which was written, "I hope you will enjoy your meal. It is the same as your family have at home."  

Satan - An Angel of Light- W. Woodward Henry Some years ago, a radio announcer presented one of America's well-known liberal ministers for a broadcast. The announcer wanted to give the minister a good build-up. He said, "Today I have the pleasure of presenting to you America's outstanding prince of the power of the air," meaning of course, that the minister was a prince among the radio clergy. He obviously did not know that the words he used referred to Satan (cf. Eph 2:2).  

Sacrifice It - W.B. Knight The story is told about two boys who were playing together. They had been reading about the animal sacrifices in the Old Testament. In their little game they built a small altar of stones and placed some wood upon it. When the altar was finished, one boy turned to the other and said, "Now we must find a sacrifice." The other little boy looked at his toys. His eyes fell on a wooden camel. One of the legs was broken off. Picking it up, he said, "Here, let's sacrifice this! It's no good anyhow." How many times we Christians are just like the little boy with the camel - give God something not worth anything.  

Communism is the Religion of Failures - John R. Rice Don't think the danger of communism in this country is past. Men and women who are failures will always try to tear you down to their level, and communism promises them the chance. They label themselves; here's who they are:  
- politicianswho promote government ownership of the means of production - the neverfailing opening wedge of the communist state.  
- those who urge us not to "antagonize" Russia and her satellites, supporters and friends, but to "get along with" them (which means giving in to them).  
- the greedy who say "the state" should educate and feed them, guarantee them security without obligation.  
The price of these noble sounding ideas is loss of liberty bit by bit. And that is how communism always enters. America rewards with self-respect those who work. Communism rewards with petty power the failures who destroy. Watch for them.  

Time to Resign - Christian Beacon On an American troopship, the soldiers crowded around their chaplain asking, "Do you believe in Hell?" "I do not." "Well then, will you please resign, for if there is no hell, we don't need you, and if there is a Hell, we do not wish to be led astray."  

A Rascal- John R. Rice A man once said to Sam Jones, the evangelist, "Mr. Jones, the church has put my assessment too high."  
"How much do you pay?" the evangelist inquired. 
"Five dollars a year." 
"Well," replied Mr. Jones, "how long have you been converted?" 
"About four years."  
"What did you do before you were converted?"  
"I was a drunkard."  
"How much did you spend for a drink?" 
"About $250 a year." 
"How much were you worth?"  
I had nothing of my own. I rented land and plowed with a steer." 
"What have you now?"  
"I have a good plantation and a span of horses."  
"Well," said the evangelist, emphatically, "you paid the Devil $250 a year for the priviledge of plowing with a steer on rented land, and now you don't want to give God, who saved you, five dollars a year for the privilege of plowing with horses on your own plantation. You're a rascal from the crown of your head to the sole of your foot."  

Child Rearing It - W.B. Knight A mother asked a psychologist, "When should I start training my child?" "How old is he?" she was asked. "Five." The psychologist said, "Madam, hurry home! You have already lost five years!"  

Five Ways to Get Rid of Your Pastor - Unknown (1). Sit up front, smile, and say "Amen" every time he says something good. He will preach himself to death. (2). Pat him on the back and tell him what good work he is doing in the church and community. He will work himself to death. (3). Increase your offering to the church. He will suffer from shock. (4). Tell him you decided to join the visitation group and help win souls for the Lord. He will probably suffer a heart attack. (5). Get the whole church to band together and pray for him. He will get so efficient that some other church will hear about him and give him a call. That will take him off your hands.  

Unpalatable - Billy Sunday 1962 A missionary fell into the hands of cannibals. "Going to eat me, I presume?" asked the missionary. The chief grunted. "Don't do it" he advised, "you won't like me." Thereupon the missionary took out a knife, sliced a piece from the calf of his leg and handed it to him. "Try this and see for yourself." The chief took one bite and choked. The missionary worked on the island for fifty years. He had a cork leg!  

What do You do?- W.B. Knight "What do you do during the day?" a friend asked an elderly Scotch woman who lived alone. "Well," she said, "I get my hymnbook and sing. Then I get the Bible and let the Lord speak to me. When I get tired of reading and cannot sing anymore, I just sit still and let the Lord love me!"  

How He Did It - Gospel Herald A Chinaman brought a number of his friends to the mission. When asked how he succeeded in getting so many to come, he said, "I got on my knees and talkee, talkee, talkee. Then I got up and walkee, walkee, walkee." Pray and then work. Prayer without works is vain. Praying without working like working without praying, is dead. Let us all talkee and walkee.  

Questions? - Unknown "Never put a question mark where God has put a period." "The devil is never too busy to rock the cradle of a sleeping saint." "A Sunday School teacher is late unless he's a half-hour early."  

Sanctification - Dr. Jack Hyles 1975 "..we have become so excited that we can mistakenly feel that we are ushering in the kingdom. We may be tempted to rush out and buy a lamb and a lion to lie down together. We may bore a hole in the cockatrice den. It may be possible that we have forgotten the real reason that God spares societies; that is, in a miraculous response to the sanctification of His people. We seem to have forgotten that God was not looking for ten saved people in Sodom; He was looking for ten righteous people in Sodom. We face a peculiar kind of Christianity where a professed, born-again quarterback gives an interview to Playboy Magazine and implies that Jesus would do the same thing if He were here."  

How to Win a Soul to Christ With a Few Verses in the Book of Romans- Dr. John R. Rice "Dr. Jack Hyles has used this plan and taught it to hundreds of others so that thousands have been won to Christ through using the Scriptures here suggested. I believe that it may make Chist's subsitutionary death for our sins clearer than using some other steps. I found this method particularly useful in India among the heathen people who know almost nothing about the Christian Religion. And here, in a few moments, you can use a few Scriptures that make clear the whole matter of man's sin, man's condemnation, Christ's substitutionary death, and being justified by faith."  

Teens! - Jeff Owens "Join the Bible Club ministry! Please help us keep teenagers out of Hell."  

The Bible - Dr. Jerry Falwell "Before we go to the Lord in Prayer.. how did the Liberty University football team do yesterday? Let's get a round of applause for them please!"  

All Satan's Apples Have Worms - John R. Rice 1956 Young person, listen! Now you have your friends and you are having a high old time. You go the way of sin. You give way to your sex passion. Maybe it is in petting and necking. Maybe it is in the lewdness of the dirty picture show. Maybe it is on the dance floor. Maybe it is in mixed bathing. But wait! "Her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two edged sword. Her feet go down to death: her steps take hold on hell." This is the Bible doctrine that all Satan's apples have worms when you get down to the core!  

A Christian's Attitude Toward Other Christians with Whom He Cannot Cooperate- Dr. Jack Hyles "Recently I was in a clothing store. A former member of First Baptist Church who is now leading a compromising life was there. I went to that member, talked with him and we enjoyed being together for a few minutes. We have some common experiences and memories that we relived and shared. For about fifteen minutes we talked and laughed and reminisced. Now this does not mean that I would invite this member living in a position of compromise over to my house for an evening, nor does it mean that I would cooperate with him in some kind of an endeavor."  

Purity is NOT a Dirty Word! - Dr. Jack Schaap "Don't touch. I mean don't kiss, hug, hold hands, etc. There has never been a couple that held hands and was content to stop with that. I am a firm believer in staying several steps away from danger. Let me logic with you for a moment, The Bible is very clear about not committing adultery or fornication. (Modern teens refer to it crudely as 'going all the way')"  

The Bible - Dr. Jerry Falwell "God Said it, God Wrote it, and I believe it."  

Long Hair - The Apostle Paul ".. it is a SHAME for a man to have long hair."  

I Can Do What I'm Told - John R. Rice 1956 A little boy entered a shop, in the window of which was a card, "Boy Wanted." Thinking he was too weak for the work, the gentleman said, "Well, my lad, what can you do?"  The Boy replied, "I can do what I'm told, sir." this so pleased the shopkeeper that he said, "You'll do, my boy."   Have you ever led a soul to Christ?    

Federal Aid - Anon "Federal aid is giving yourself a transfusion by drawing blood from your right arm and returning it to your left - and spilling some of it on the way across" (modern medicine)  

Hot Day - John R. Rice 1954 "It was HOT day on that Ark when Ham walked out onto that deck!  He worked that deck day and night brothers! And don't let anyone tell you it didn't blacken his skin!"  

A Good Thing - Rev. Freddy Gage "The Bible says a man who finds a good wife, finds a good thing!  Now stand up good thing! Now turn around so's we can see the back end of ya! Now sit down and shut yer mouth!  I've got some preachin' to do!.. A-men?"  

The Furnace - Rev. M. Hooker "..you know?  when I was a boy, sunday school teachers wern't afraid to talk about hell!  Why... when I was in the kindegarten.. our Sunday school teacher Mrs. Finger took us down to the church basement.. into the boiler room!  Boy, I tell ya!  She looked at us with her one good eye and told us in her raspy voice.. 'you want to know what hell is like? do ya? well.. DO YA?' And when she opened the door to that furnace and the flames shot out.. that heated memory still burns in my soul to this day!  FOLKS!  HELL is a HOT PLACE! and don't never let nobody tell ya no differen't!"  

The Welfare State - John R. Rice The Government is my Shepard, I need not work. It alloweth me to lie down on a good job; It leadeth me beside still factories; It destroyeth my initiative. It leadeth me in the path of a parasite for politic's sake; Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit-spending, I will fear no evil, for the government is with me. It prepareth an economic Utopia for me, by appropriating the earnings of my own grandchildren. It filleth my head with false security; My inefficiency runneth over. Surely the government should care for me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in a fool's house forever.  

"Extinguishing" the Bible - from The Sunday School Times 1954 An old colored preacher of the South was asked by a Northerner why it was that colored ministers preached so much about Hell. "Well, sah," he replied, "I don't knows just why dat am, but I done suppose dat de reason am caus we culled folks haven't got learnin' enough to splanify de tex and extinguish de Bible like you white folks am." We must admit there is more truth than poetry to his statement.  

The Sewer- Rev. Jerry Falwell I don't have to lift the lid off the sewer to know it stinks down there! A-MEN? When you say A-men, I want you to say it from 
your gut! Like you mean it! God ain't callin' you to be no sissy!