Brother Harry Hardwick Answers Your Questions

Q: "In Germany, the Nazis first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me."

- Martin Niemoeller, Berlin Lutheran pastor arrested by the Gestapo and
sent to Dachau concentration camp in 1938; the Allied forces freed him

seven years later.

A: Dear Odd Historian,

I heard a similar statement once, but with slightly different persecution cited. First, there were the Catholics with the countless people they slaug htered in the Crusades and their rather murderous Inquisition. Then our somewhat blood-thirsty, "let's terrorize women" witch burnings. Then, Catholics and Protestants alike with racism. Then both groups with gay-baiting and bashing. It’s anyone's guess what group will be the target of Christians persecution next generation. Oh well, at least Falwell and Robertson don't have that disgusting little mustache (though, with his undeniable gluttony, Falwell does tend to walk with a goose step).

Praying we will always find some group to belittle and terrorize (always disguising our animosity by saying we don't hate them, just their acts--LOL!),
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: If you could sell your soul to Satan, what would you want for it?

A: Dear Doomed, Inquisitive One,

I cannot agree with the others who have replied. With all due respect to *****, I think a doughnut is shooting a bit too low.  In response to *****, I certainly wouldn't want to be Satan. I'm more of a winter person than a summer person. I have bad reactions to heat. And even though the climate in Hell is a dry heat (Humidity 0%), I would still find it unpleasant.  Regarding *****’s answer, I certainly wouldn't want to be God. The sight of blood always makes me rather squeamish, and I find killing even bugs unpleasant. I cannot fathom slaughtering all the people God has over the years. I'm not criticizing Him, mind you -- to each His own, but striking down thousands upon thousands of people with plagues and pestilence just isn't my cup of tea.

The price tag for my soul would be "everything I would get from God as a saved Christian who followed all His commandments." That way, I could go to Heaven without having to sort through the myriad of seemingly unconscionable and inconsistent edicts to figure out what conduct is appropriate. I suppose if I'm in Heaven for eternity, my soul would be with me, but your question didn't say Satan has to take possession of my soul, just that he would buy it. So my request would essentially involve a deal whereby he would own it and I would lease it.

Praying all recognize that if the promise of eternal bliss were guaranteed without following the incomprehensible rules of the Good Book, religion as we know it would disappear,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: Honesty is a loose term in the Bible it seems. In Luke 23.39-43 Jesus promises a thief on the cross that "Today shalt thou be with me in paradise." Jesus told his disciples that he would be in the grave three days and three nights, not in paradise, and he told Mary in John 20.17 not to touch him, as he "had not yet ascended." Therefore he had not been in paradise that day. Please explain to me how Jesus did not lie here.

A: Dear Hell-bound Analyzer,

There is, of course, no answer, just as there is no rational explanation for most of God's mystery, romance and sci-fi thriller. What is even more disconcerting than what you have cited are Jesus' repeated admonitions, through his disciples, that He would be back to Earth in a jiffy, ready to take the apostles to Heaven (Revelation 3:11; 22:7, 12, 20). John told us the second coming "must shortly come to pass" and "the time is at hand" (Revelation 1:1, 3). In fact, John thought he was living in the End Times (1 John 2:18). Of course, just about every fire-and-brimstone preacher for the last 2,000 years has made the same prediction. You would think, since the Earth had supposedly only existed for 4,000 years by Jesus' time that Jesus would not view another 2,000 years as time "at hand" and something that would pass "shortly." Perhaps He's just running very late or, like so many of us, men, He's simply lost and too proud to ask for directions.

Praying all will recognize that the End Times now really are just around the corner,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: I was thinking about the meaning of life today, and imagined what life would have been like if, when we reached the age of accountability, someone said, "This is the meaning of life: x, y, and z," and that was in fact true.

That, in essence, would make life meaningless in the sense that none of us would be able to find or discover any meaning. The only way life can have ANY meaning is if it does NOT have any meaning - which is so utterly and simply perfect and paradoxical.

Your thoughts?

Warning: Anyone who uses the words "only," "one," "true," "God," "bow," "accept," "personal," "hell," "eternity," or any other "Polly wanna cracker" phraseology, will automatically get a 1.

A: Dear Inductive/Deductive Jokester,

As Christians, we simply must believe there is no meaning to life. Indeed, we were created solely because God was lonely. We are here purely for His amusement. After all, He is omnipotent and already knows everything we're going to do even before we do it. In fact, God knows this very moment who is going to encounter some horrendous, violent demise tomorrow, yet He will allow it to occur anyway because, as any good boxing fan will tell you, that's part of the entertainment. God also knows which of us are going to utter the passwords to Heaven and which of us are not, thereby ensuring the latter's eternal demise among fire and brimstone. I suppose that means His watching of our follies is much like our watching of a Lucy rerun for the umpteenth time. In essence, we are nothing but play actors with God as our audience. The ending, which God already knows, is happy for a few and cataclysmic for the vast majority, no matter how noble the characters they portray.

I must be a bit critical of you, dear child, for your ending admonition. To automatically award "1" for the use of certain terminology, notwithstanding the nature of its use, is almost as arbitrary as the reasons God has used to kill people and the reason He will plunge most into unending torture. I am confident, however, that you will rise above His fray and evaluate on a case-by-case basis.

Praying for last minute edits before the finale,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: You know I was reading an answer to one of the questions here, and there was a comment made to the effect of reading the bible with an open mind. My question is this:

If you DO read the bible with an open mind, and come to the conclusion it is not true, did you read the bible with an open mind?
A: Dear Tautology-Lover,

I don't know where you heard such utter nonsense, but whoever is the source should, under no circumstances, be trusted in the future. You must blindly accept the Bible by faith. Remember that an open mind is the devil's favorite toy. When you open your mind, Satan jumps right into your head and will show you countless contradictions, inconsistencies, absurdities and downright silliness present throughout the Good Book.

It is important that we not exercise any rational thought when reading the Bible, for such tends to make God look bad and the whole book look like something even Mother Goose would reject. After all, it was God's first published work, and there were no publication houses with editorial departments when it was written. Even God recognizes how outrageous and misanthropic is His first best seller, especially Paul's outrageous writings that condemn so many. The Bible tells us that its every word was inspired by God, Himself (2 Timothy 32:16). God knew Paul's ridiculous rantings (which He inspired) would make no sense, so He actually went to great pains to warn us that those who try to understand Paul's logic do so "unto their own destruction" (2 Peter 3:16). God also knew that people would start to "interpret" the Bible into something that wasn't so hateful and violent if given the chance, so He had John write near the end that anyone who adds or withdraws a single statement from the Bible (or at least its last book) will be destroyed (Revelation 22:18-19). Needless to say, God shuns philosophers and free thinkers, describing them as essentially evil (Colossians 2:8-9).

The bottom line is that, in order to have any real shot at Heaven, we must believe every word of the Bible and all its incredible pronouncements. The only way a rational person can believe such jibberish is to accept it by faith, without question. We must turn off our brains. Fortunately for many of the participants here, they were born with very little brain power in the first instance, hence blind deference isn't difficult for them. Of course, this means that the majority of True Christians will continue to be those who hang their wet clothes on the line separating their double wides from their neighbor's stills.

Praying all will recognize that a closed mind is the key to fundamentalist thought (a/k/a, the GOP platform),
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: What is it about Christianity that makes Christians feel exempt from treating people with respect? How did Jesus' message get so garbled, get stood on its head, get downgraded to simply being "right"? I just don't get it, but I do know that visiting these boards is not worth darkening my day.

A: Dear Superficial Anal-Retentive One,

What do you expect from us? Consider what we are ordered to do in the Bible. If one of our neighbor's children is unruly, we are required to go to the townsquare and stone the child until he is dead (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). I have to wonder when was the last stoning in which you participated? Frankly, it's very difficult to be polite while literally beating the brains out of one's skull with rock pelting. Rest assured, my wife's pinky is always raised during a toss, but that's about as Emily Post as it can get. God also told us to murder homosexuals, witches, adulterers and every living being in any town we invade. He told us to take the women there as our slaves. I have found no way to enslave someone in a polite fashion (allowing them to remove all bracelets before slapping on the irons is the closest I've gotten). God wasn't particularly concerned about etiquette--unless, of course, it had to do with the way we slaughtered animals for Him. Then, his instructions were quite precise.

With the secular, liberal (a/k/a Satanic) laws of today, stoning is outlawed, so we must engage in persecution (always in the name of righteousness) in words, only. Rebuking just doesn't lend itself to good hosting. I suspect even Ann Landers would concur.

Praying that all men will at least remove their hats before hurling those rocks,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: Why do priest's issue prayer as punishement for sin during confession? I thought punishment was something you hated to do.

A: Dear Fellow Anti-Idol-Worshiper,

Like most Catholic rituals, this one has its origins in homosexuality. Mrs. Betty Bowers and I conducted an investigation nearly two years ago which answers your question precisely. In short, priests formerly drilled holes in confessional booths so they could be "serviced" by altar boys. Afterward, because the boys had sinned, the priests told them they had to perform penance. However, the priests really needed to wash up because Monica Lewinsky stains really show on black dresses. Hence, the priests had to make the boys do something on their own to plead for forgiveness while the priests washed up. So the priests assigned the youngsters prayers. The prayer most often assigned was "Glory to the Father," hence the confessional booth holes became known as "glory holes." Later, priests adopted the practice of assigning rote prayers for all their parishioners so they could get as many confessions into a single hour as possible.

Praying all will discover the countless connections between the Catholic cult and ancient Greece (or grease),
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

Q: Is "dirty" a dirty word?

A: Dear Pervert,

I wouldn't concern yourself with this. As True Christians, we recognize that foul language and horrendous violence are perfectly acceptable, particularly on television and in movies. And we have little objection to media portrayal of sex -- so long as it involves different genders. It's OK for our youngsters to watch Arnold Schwarzenegger blow the heads off a hundred men -- just so long as he doesn't kiss any of the men first.

Bear in mind that our Holy Bible is loaded with nasty expressions of tremendously risque acts. The Bible instructs us extensively on premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32), voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20), bestiality (Leviticus 18:23), people who "go a whoring" and commit "whoredom" (Leviticus 20:5-6; 25:1; Ezekiel 23:1-49; Hosea 4:10), damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1), bastards (Deuteronomy 23:2), people who take a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14), hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5); circumcising hundreds of men for a dowry (1 Samuel 18:25-27), people who urinate on the wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:21; 2 Kings 9:8), people who eat their excrement and drink their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15), menstruation (e.g., just about all of Leviticus; Zephaniah 3:1); God spreading excrement on people's faces as punishment (Malachi 2:3), etc., etc., etc.

The Bible is essentially one of the smuttiest books ever written. Were it not the word of God, it would be the first tossed into the bonfire at Christian book burnings. I suggest you keep your Bible out of the reach of children or excise all the nasty parts and use the remaining pamphlet as a book mark.

Praying for a return to family values, notwithstanding the Bible,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (

P.S. Speaking of bad words, Jesus says those who call others "fools" are worthy of "hell fire" (Matthew 5:22), yet that didn't stop Jesus from calling his enemies "fools" (Luke 11:40). But then again, Jesus had a penchant for violating his Dad's edicts with impunity and then just changing the rules midstream. Typical rebellious son. What a shame James Dean didn't live to portray Him.

Q: Dear Friends:

I have been deeply troubled for quite some time by good people who have fallen away from the Chruch of Jesus. These are often wonderful people who, because they were raised by ignorant people or have been filled with lies against the Mother Church, have joined faiths that do not answer to our Holy Father in Rome. Why people would turn their noses at the very church Jesus Himself established is beyond my human understanding. Don't they know that in snubbing Jesus and acting as if "they know better" than Jesus, they are ensuring a trip to Hell? Doesn't this sadden all of you who care about Jesus and want others to know His True Message? Please join me in prayer for all of these lost people. Jesus still loves them and wants them to return to the fold before it is too late.

A: Dear Sister of Satan,

Don't you realize that the first person pushed through the turnstiles of Hell will be that feeble fanatic, John Paul II? And the remaining popes will be right behind him. After all, they have declared themselves infallible, thus equating themselves with a god. They have suggested they are above humanity which is the essence of blasphemy and is the cornerstone of idolatry. Rest assured, JP2 won't be in Hell five seconds before that pansy-like dress of his will catch fire and that cone-shaped hat of his (that looks like half of a Madonna brassiere) will be aflame. He'll look like a giant, ailing Roman candle. I suggest, missy, that you get over all this idol worship and pope-loving and get right with the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost -- the only members of the Trinity (tri=three), lest you find yourself standing next to his royal popeness and discover that his flaming robe is serving as the kindling for your heathenistic flesh!

Praying that stained glass is flammable,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Church (