January 2000

Last week, the Society to Cure Ailing Morality published the results of its six month investigation into the historical and contemporary connection between homosexuality and the Catholic "Church."  SCAM was established by internationally renown Christian advice columnist, Mrs. Betty Bowers, and international financier, Brother Harry Hardwick, both Gold Star Landover members.  Bowers & Hardwick established SCAM two years ago to isolate the causes of today's immorality and to discover ways to eradicate those causes.  SCAM focused its attention on the Catholic/homo link not merely based on the obvious similarities between the two groups in terms of ideology and practice but also in light of a recent verdict in Dallas, Texas in which jurors found the archdiocese there liable for over $100 million for a priest's long-term molestation of numerous boys and the "church's" decision to turn a blind eye to the conduct, as well as the long-term refusal of a Louisiana archdiocese to expel a priest who admitted to molesting over 50 boys. 

SCAM's 500-plus-page report describes the undeniable relationship between Catholicism and sodomy in painstaking, gruesome detail.  What is most surprising, however, is the conclusion the investigation generated.  "Well, naturally, we were not surprised by the inextricable connection between homosexuality and Catholicism," reported Bowers.  "But we had assumed, just like the rest of the world, that there had been no homosexuality before the Roman Catholic "church."  All the scholarly journals we had read maintained that the papists invented sodomy, and then posthumously defamed the Greeks, just to shift blame.  But once we scratched below the gilded surface of this cult of fairies, we were shocked to find the converse.  It seems that Roman Catholics had incorporated preexisting homosexual rituals into the Catholic traditions, like wearing dresses with fabulous, ornamental sashes and keeping catamites.  Who knew?"

As the SCAM report reveals, Bowers' and Hardwick's investigation was exhaustive.  These two dedicated servants of Christ interviewed countless former Catholics who somehow managed to escape the tyrannical grip of Rome. They also interviewed less fortunate individuals who remain Catholic whom they found late at night in bathhouses, adult book stores and highway rest stops.  But perhaps their greatest challenge concerned their decision to conclude their research by traveling straight into the bowels of Satan's home on Earth -- Vatican City.  "Before the trip, I told my wife, Heather, where all the life insurance and trust papers were located," Hardwick reported.  "I told her how much I love her and asked her to pray that Betty and I would somehow survive this trip and return home with our Christianity in tact. Having both been Christians since a very young age, Betty and I had no idea what to expect."

Bowers & Hardwick knew that the information most important to their investigation was contained in the Vatican archives.  Aside from maintaining their saved status, their most daunting challenge was gaining entry into the archives vault.  Fortunately, both Landover members are on the board of directors of one of the world's leading anti-abortion groups, Humans Against Needless Gynecological Resection.  HANGR has numerous Catholic members, for some inexplicable reason.  "The Catholics have never been on solid Biblical ground," mused Bowers.  "I mean, if any of them actually own a Bible, they show no signs of ever having picked it up and read it.  As a devout Fundamentalist Baptist, I have nothing against picking and choosing which Bible verses to pay attention to, but Catholics are like Jehovah's Witnesses -- they just make it up as they go along.  Well, at least they don't knock on your door during dinner.  Anyway, they're violently opposed to killing children, yet seem to have no objection to priests molesting them. But then again, they are harvesting them for molestation later, so I guess that makes sense."  In addition to revealing their status as directors of HANGR to "church" officials, Bowers & Hardwick wore buttons proclaiming: "I SAW THE FACE OF THE VIRGIN MARY IN AN ENCHILLADA IN MEXICO."  They were immediately granted permission to explore the archives and the gates to the Vatican were opened in their honor.

Upon entering Satan's playground, Bowers & Hardwick were shocked beyond belief.  "It was worse than any nightmare, worse than any horror film, worse than anything in Revelation," reported Hardwick.  "There were hundreds of idols and icons everywhere -- statues of mortals with a multitude of Catholics kneeling before the granite and praying to false gods.  Some even kissed the rocks.  Such brazen defiance of God's word!  It was as though these Catholics had looked right into the face of Jesus and spit.  I stopped to rebuke several candle-lighters and Betty was moved by Jesus to righteously slap some Italian woman wearing a doily on her head to stop her from slobbering on an apostle's foot.  Pansy priests pranced around in hideous dresses, all of which were black, Satan's favorite color."  Bowers was as horrified by the artwork as she was by the effeminate clergy.  "Now, no one would accuse me of not enjoying a feminine flourish in every room, but the whole Vatican looked like it had been whomped up by some New Jersey florist who had just won the lottery.  Las Vegas looks downright Mies van der Rohe by comparison!  It was so shockingly over-the-top.  And whoever St. Peter's uses as its interior decorator had picked the most nefarious pieces.  There were subliminal appeals to the devil lurking on every wall.  By the time we exited the devil's palace, I had seen the winking face of Lucifer no less than 200 times."

What Bowers & Hardwick saw was not nearly as disturbing as what their research through the archives revealed.  Charter documents written on cloth scrolls reveal that the Catholic "Church" was created shortly after the death and resurrection of our Savior by a group of homo ministers who had been expelled from Christian churches in Italy.  These sodomites sought refuge from constant condemnation but wished to remain ministers, practicing the sins of Sodom in secret.  Thus began what is now the Catholic "Church." The scrolls reveal that the founders chose to name their new "religion" using terms of ancient Greece, the birthplace of contemporary homosexuality.  Those terms were "Cathos" and "licos."  The founders surmised that most people would not know what these terms meant.  However, a linguistic institute specializing in ancient Greek has confirmed to SCAM that the term, "Cathos," to put it delicately, refers to the male genitalia.  "Licos" means to place the tongue upon and lick greedily.  Thus, the Catholic "Church" was named after the very deviance so many of its members publicly condemn yet privately practice.  Perhaps the greatest insult to our Savior was the suggestion by these depraved creatures that theirs was a Christian religion.  So incensed were all other "Christian" churches of the time that they engaged in a unified opposition to the Catholics and were thus later referred to as "Protestants."

The documents in the archives reveal that the expelled ministers turned many of their queer characteristics into integral parts of the new "church."  Since most of the founders were cross-dressers, the official attire of the ministers, now called "priests," was a long, sleak dress, later renamed "robe."  The most effeminate drag, of course, was reserved for the head homo, called "pope."  His/her outfit includes a long, flowing gown and a tall, pointed hat which constitutes the ultimate phallic symbol.  Because the priests, like all homos, had an affinity for pretty things, the Vatican, and later all Catholic churches, were loaded with enormous statues, stained glass, golden goblets and gaudy artwork.  And since homosexuality is synonymous with alcoholism, the priests made spirits, specifically wine, the official drink of the "church."

So desperate was their need to retain their homo roots that the founders were willing to defy God's word in order to preserve their depraved lifestyle.  We all know queers revere and adore striking women, like Barbra, Diana, Judy and Liza.  The original Catholics experienced the same need and consequently made the Virgin Mary the diva of their religion, with God subordinated to a far lesser role.  But the most appalling act by the Catholic founders was to distort God's word to conceal their fagotry.  The original priests knew fully well that they and their successors would spend their lives boinking boys with nary an eye raised toward women.  While the buggery could be kept secret, the absence of any relationship with women would be apparent.  Hence, the founders inserted in the church charter a proviso stating that priests were not to marry or become sexually involved with women, but were instead to spend their time in the "church" with young males called "altar boys."  A separate proviso satisfied early priests' desire to live vicariously through the deviant conduct of their parishioners by stating that all church members must describe their immoral acts in detail to their priests in order to be forgiven by God.  The text of these provisos actually says that they are the will of God, even though no such ridiculous edicts appear anywhere within the Bible, Old or New Testament.  These demons were not beyond practicing blasphemy to conceal and promote their debauchery.

The above homosexual qualities, condoned and indeed sanctioned by the Catholic "Church," were qualities with which Bowers & Hardwick became familiar not only based on their reading of archive documents but also from conversations they reluctantly initiated with their decorators, hair stylists and florists.  However, one sexual expression which originated in the first Catholic "churches" involved disgusting conduct which neither Bowers nor Hardwick could discuss with anyone.  Vatican documents reveal that early priests drilled holes in the dividing walls of confessional booths utilized by altar boys.  Through these holes, the boys would "service" the priests in a somewhat anonymous manner so the priests would feel less guilty. Afterward, because the boys had sinned, the priests would instruct them to recite a prayer of the rosary 100 times.  The prayer most often assigned was "Glory to the Father," hence the holes became known as "glory holes" for short.

Bowers & Hardwick discovered that the Catholic/homo connection does not merely exist in cosmopolitan areas but has even affected Freehold's Our Lady of Perpetual Inanity.  Bowers & Hardwick visited the church during a men's prayer session, which apparently is the Catholic version of Promise Keepers.  They knew instantly the "church" was a homo establishment since only half those assembled were kneeling.  What Bowers & Hardwick sought to determine was how Sister Saphron, a bride of Satan from the neighboring convent, became pregnant during the previous Spring.  The archbishop's claim of immaculate conception just did not seem plausible.  Through conversations with the members (when they had returned to a vertical position), Bowers & Hardwick discovered that Sister Saphron had agreed to serve food and wine to the priests of the congregation during one of Father Peter's Friday fish fries.  While preparing to serve, Sister Saphron spilled some of the "blood of Christ" on her habit.  The only outfit nearby in her size was an altar boy's uniform.  She changed into that, served the priests and . . . well, the rest Bowers & Hardwick merely surmised.

This article reports but a tiny fraction of the data cited by Bowers & Hardwick in the SCAM report. Copies of the complete report will be available at next Sunday's services at all entrances to the main sanctuary. Bowers & Hardwick have begun organizing a global protest to the demonic Catholic cult.  They have already begun protesting locally.  Last Sunday, both members' children joined hands and displayed a giant banner outside Our Lady of Perpetual Inanity which read: "JUST SAY NO TO ALL MARY-LOVING, INCENSE-BURNING, APPARITION-SEEING, CANDLE-LIGHTING, MACKAREL-SNAPPING, ALTAR BOY-BANGING IDOL WORSHIPERS!"



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