December 2006

Deacon Fred Godcasts

Christmas Nativity Pageant Nightmare!
Baby Jesus Leaps From Manger, Hurls Wet Donkey Manure Into Faces of Shocked Audience!

Keeping the Christ in Christmas!

Freehold, Iowa - America's most expensive live nativity play was ruined this year when a bad tempered, 4 year-old ragamuffin playing the Christ child laid waste to the set and left several wealthy spectators picking donkey dung out of their hair and teeth. 

"Just as the Little Drummer Nurse Boy was pretending to yank the baby Jesus out of Mary's sacred lady business, he fumbled and our pintsize Lord and Savior rolled out from under His momma's skirt," said Pastor Deacon Fred.  "After quickly placing him in the manger, Joseph's pet donkeys leaned down and starting chewing on Jesus' left ear with teeth the size of dominoes. That cantankerous son-of-a-gun, baby Jesus, turned anything but meek and mild, screaming like He'd just crawled out of the filthy, burning anus of Lucifer's rump instead of the pristine holiness of Mary's crotch.  The next thing we knew, the clearly annoyed Christ child flung Himself out of His manger, took one look at the audience, and started flinging large globs of steaming donkey poop at the Platinum Level tithers. Then He moved on to piles of sheep feces, cow pies and the foul waste of the rest of the livestock. With almost 35 live animals, including two African elephants and a llama, you can imagine there was a lot of excrement for Jesus to get His busy little hands on!"   

Security officers reported that Jesus didn't stop throwing wet pieces of hay-laced animal excrement for almost two-minutes. "When he was finished," said Rev. Officer Lee Parks, "His Mother, the Wise Men, the shepherds, and several pews of honored VICs [Very Important Christians] were covered from head to toe in animal poop. Some of the folks on the front row were so plastered with brownness, they looked like a bunch of damned Mexicans or something!"

Landover Baptist's annual Live Nativity Play was attended by over two-hundred major donors from several states and dozens of prominent Republican politicians. "Some folks fly in from thousands of miles to see America's most gynecologically realistic reenactment of Mary giving birth to our Savior," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We spend millions of dollars each year because we are always focused on making the latest play better and more realistic than the last.  After Mel Gibson raised the bar on realism, by making body fluids drip at the end of Jesus' life, we increased the production values at the beginning of His life.  Folks on the front row of our nativity are warned to wear plastic ponchos.  But while it is one thing to be splattered by fake Savior placenta, it is quite another to be pelted with real animal poop!"

Landover Baptist issued a formal apology to everyone in attendance who could afford to buy ticket. "We are sorry we can't refund your money or pay for any dry cleaning," Pastor Deacon Fred stated. "But please don't let this incident deter you from paying $125 to come to next year's glorious Nativity Play. We've learned our lesson. You mark my words, next year when the Drummer Boy pulls a child out from between Mary's legs, the baby Jesus' holy Valium won't wear off until after the last curtain call! Praise God!"





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