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Satanic Abduction Recovery Center

This ministry was designed by Dr. Jonathan Edwards who has had much experience with  Satanists in general.  His adventures to some of their rituals and horrific sacrificial ceremonial rites have sickened him in such a manner that he  found it necessary to study them extensively as a group.  He is our expert on 'knowing the enemy' so to speak.  His extensive reading of  Crowley and LeVey have earned him every right to be considered an expert on the subject.  We have our own group of de-programers at  the church who work exclusively in secret. The gentlemen have vast experience in kidnapping, extortion, and reverse-torture. They worked for years during the big cult-outbreaks of the 1970's, and they look like they just jumped out of a J.T. Chick Crusaders comic.   The fellas re-abduct the Satanists and bring them to our famous 'Church Basement' or as some like to  call it, the "dungeon."  The victims are placed in six by eleven solitary confinement cells and fed pea soup under the door.  No words are usually spoken, we break their will, their strength, and their spirit until they are ready to confess.  New members at Landover Baptist are sometimes alarmed to hear the ghastly screams of horror rise from bowels of the church during Sunday services.. nevertheless.. the ministry has a 99% success rate. 

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