As
if there aren’t enough homosexuals in the world already!
Toys R’ Us is now beckoning unsuspecting little boys, making them think
they are going to play on a football team with a flashy name like,
‘Dream Dazzlers.’ Only
now, masculine little boys with liberal mothers will find
themselves turning into limp-wristed little pansies after they squat their hineys
down in front of a Sassy Salon, and listen to their mothers whisper, ‘Ooh La La’
into their innocent ears! “This thing is a queer
making machine!” Pastor Deacon Fred told a group of concerned Landover
ladies earlier this week.
“If it doesn’t send you into a blood vessel popping, demon
stomping rage, then you need
to question whether or not you are even a Christian!” He said.
“What you Godly women need to do is march right down to that
Jewish toy store and demand that they pull this sissified piece of
garbage off the shelf!
You need hold that toy store owner accountable to Christ!
Tell him to stop trying to turn your son into a homosexual!"
BANNED: My Keepon - Interactive Robot
Our
primary concern with My Keepon is that it promotes and in fact,
glorifies dancing. “To me,
it looks like a piece of yellow poop struggling to get out of a
Chinaman’s tight little hiney ,” says Pastor Deacon Fred.
“If that’s what liberals call dancing, that makes it even worse!
Every time the Bible mentions dancing it always leads to sin.
To naysayers, I say, ‘So what if
King David danced before the Lord? He
ended up committing adultery! The
same thing will happen to your children when they grow up if they sit in
front of this squirming little abomination for even a second!"
BANNED: Rory's Story Cubes
The
little catchphrase on the side of the box says, ‘Let your imagination
roll wild!’ What do you think the Lord would think if that slogan was
written on the first page of the Holy Bible? He wouldn’t like it, but
Satan would – that’s for sure. Lucifer’s finger prints are all over
Rory’s Story Cubes. First of all, they are not even cubes. They are
multiple sided dice. The same kind of dice used in another one of
Satan’s favorite games, Dungeons and Dragons! The second thing that made
us catch wind of the Devil’s scent is the fact that Rory’s Story Cubes
are designed to get one to use what non-Christians call, ‘thought’ or
‘imagination.’ These notions are defined as, ‘the power to create in
one’s mind’ and this power is given up willingly by True
Christian™
when we accept Jesus Christ as our Personal Savior. Any attempt to get
us to use this power, even by Rory’s Story Cubes is an affront to the
Living God and will most surely lead to backsliding - and in some rare
cases, loss of eternal salvation.
BANNED:
You & Me Interactive Triplet Dolls
It
is unbelievable that Toys R Us still has these obscene dolls on their
shelves. It is clear that someone who hates little children created
these potty mouthed babies to corrupt America’s youth. None of the dolls
are black, so it is even more shocking that one says,
“Okay, crazy bitch!” when you pull its string! It says a lot
about what is happening to America since Barack Obama was put into
power. These toys don’t belong in any Christian home, or any
conservative home for that matter! Anyone concerned about restoring
America and bringing back good old fashioned family values should make
it a priority to call Toys R Us and ask them to remove these products
from their shelves before Jesus comes and does it forcibly.
BANNED:
Kindle Fire
As
True Christians we are suspect to anything with the word Fire in it.
Amazon likes to use Luciferian terminology in describing their popular
products. Much like Apple Inc mocks the story of Adam and Eve by
implying it is ‘okay’ to take a bite out of the Apple because it gives
you knowledge. However, knowledge is the very thing that God did not
want Adam and Eve to have! And now we are all stuck with it, but we True
Christians are able to avoid it through faith in Christ Jesus. The
Amazon Kindle Fire implies openly that fire is knowledge and the product
itself is used to kindle that knowledge. As True Christians we
understand that Fire is from Hell (except when it is convenient to use
it next to the words, Holy Ghost) and Lucifer ‘kindles’ that fire by
stoking the brimstone that will burn the flesh off of sinners bodies
after they are sodomized by demons in Hell for eternity. So with all of
this in mind, when our Landover Baptist secular toy researchers opened
up the free package from Amazon containing the Kindle Fire, their first
impulse was to smash the blasphemous little novelty to pieces with a
sledge hammer and pitch the remains into the furnace in the church
basement. But since there were two Wiccans tied up to the furnace that
day, they decided to just smash it up, put it into a bag tied to a
cinder block and drop it to the bottom of Landover Lake.
