Is
Breastfeeding a Gateway Sin?
What
needs to happen here, is to just do away with breastfeeding
altogether," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Poor young Christian
boys are being weaned into oral gratification from infancy and the whole
thing just stinks like the devil's hiney...
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Circumcise
Yourself!
Look between your legs.
Does your penis look like Jesus' Penis? Find out if you are
circumcised. If you are not, follow this safe and quick four step
procedure!
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Oral
Sex: A Dangerous New Trend!
For
young people who have not yet been to Bible College, and are reading
this article, "oral sex," means the placement of a hoochie
or a tallywhacker into a human mouth...
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Think
Only About Jesus While Masturbating!
"While the Bible does not
outlaw masturbation, it severely restricts the circumstances under which
it may occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred. The first
restriction is that no Landover gentleman will be permitted to reach the
stage of ejaculation...
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Spotlight on
True Christian™ Health:
Baptist Health Expert, Heather Hardwick's,
"Heart and Head Healthy Habits," Series |
Part
4, "How to Be Ladylike and Christian - At the Same
Time!"
Let’s face it, gals.
The Bible doesn’t give us much wiggle room.
After all, the Good Book describes us as being about as
wretched as a creature can be.
It all started with that harlot Eve, who obviously slept
with her own sons..
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Part
3, "How to Rear a Child"
Once the baby is born, you are
not only allowed but required to send it to its Maker if it
turns out to be unruly (Deuteronomy 21:21), curses you (Exodus
21:17; Matthew 15:4) or, Heaven forbid, strikes you (Exodus
21:15). Harry and I were committed to...
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Part
2, "The Truth About Exercise!"
How should a True Christian
lady approach exercise? With skepticism and caution. We need
only turn to the Holy Bible to see the contempt Jesus has for
those who work out regularly. "For bodily exercise
profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all....
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Part
1, "Dietary Tips"
Of course, it goes without
saying that consumption of alcohol and tobacco are absolute no-nos.
I have it on the Highest Authority that every woman engaged in
such acts, upon her arrival in a pitch black, dank Hell, will
find that...
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Trouble
Taking the Holy Bible Seriously? This Pill Can Help!
Four out of five Christian
doctors prescribe Salvacil to born-again patients who suffer from faith
related problems. Whether it be doubts about one's eternal
security...
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Tampons:
Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!
Church members are commanded to
talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their rooms if you have to.
"Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor
Wiley.....
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All
You Can Eat: Endangered Species Dinner Extravaganza
Three-hundred tables will be
set for roughly 800 VIP church members. The seven course meal will be
served on custom burnished black coral place settings with African
Elephant ivory service. Each table is made from pure California redwood. ...
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When
Your Imaginary Friend Tells You His Name is "Jesus!"
At Landover Baptist, our church
members are blessed enough to have Pastors who make it a priority to
stop imagination long before it becomes dangerous. "That's usually
at the age of two, as we understand it," says Pastor Deacon Fred...
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Demon
Possessed Canines: Health Risk!
Is your household pet possessed
by demons? From years of experience hunting, stalking and lilling live
demons in the four corners of the world, I've found that five out...
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Lamb
of God Hit With Foot-and-Mouth Disease!
In America, Southern Baptist
churchgoers were startled by the news that not only had the Lamb of God
tested positive for foot-and-mouth antibodies, but was apparently on the
lam. On Monday, the Lamb of God was discovered....
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Body
of Christ Burger Barn!
From now on, Church members
will remember Jesus every single time they sit down and sink their teeth
into a juicy hamburger....
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American
Children Are Masturbating With Electronic Abdominal Exercise Machines!
"What disturbs us
most," said Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, "is that
at the very beginning of the instruction booklet it states, 'Read this
manual thoroughly before you begin.' There is no question that that
statement is both malicious and deliberate."
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Do
You Have a Demon in Your Colon?
Friends, have you ever sat
yourself down on the toilet to do nature’s necessity and been
overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs? It is sulfur. A
clear sign that demons are living in your bottom. .....
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Homosexual
Reparative: Lisping Surgery
If your pastor recommended
homosexual reparative surgery for your child, consider it a blessing
from the Living God who enlightens his followers with divine
foreknowledge...
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62
Year Old Woman Births Miracle Chinese Baby!
Church doctor, Jonathan Edwards
and other experts who examined the child, found that he had no
fingerprints or eyebrows. At first, Dr. Edwards only observed that there
could be some indication that the boy was Chinese. Upon further
examination however, the child was found to have bow legs...
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Age
of Allowatory Masturbation Lowered to 65
"Numbers 6: 14b is giving
advice to 82 year old widowed men who would 'without blemish' bugger the
he lamb, and be promised that God would let the sin go unnoticed."
He told church members earlier...
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