SCIENCE BREAKING NEWS
Oral Sex: A Dangerous New Trend!
If you are living in a defiled marriage, meaning unequally yoked (wedded to a non-Baptist), and your unsaved spouse burns with lustful curiosity about oral sexual gratification, read this important article!
Freehold, Iowa - Creation Science teaches us that a thousand years to human beings is like a light burp to the Lord. So, it isn't any wonder that God is just now finding out that His most sinful creatures (humans) have become very keen on slithering their tongues like a serpent of Satan into disgusting places on other folks' bodies that they can't reach on their own. Creation Scientists are beginning to believe that the talk around the water coolers in Heaven is that God's creatures on Earth are using their mouths for a lot more than simply eating food and preaching the Gospel.
Recent studies in Creation Science show us that oral sex can
be extremely dangerous! We know this to be a fact. For those of you young people who
have not yet been to Bible College, and are reading this article, "oral
sex," means the placement of a hoochie or a tallywhacker into a human
Creation research indicates that Satan is using the human tongue to
infiltrate the soul by way of the vagina, anus, and hole in the tip of
the penis (enormous penises have bigger holes, allowing for a greater
number of demons to gain entrance, which is why black men commit so much
crime). Creation Scientists have not yet determined exactly how
thousands of tiny little demons extract themselves from human semen and
vaginal excretions, but they are convinced that the human tongue is being used
as their makeshift nest. "It is on the palette where the devil's minions spawn
and reproduce like a swarms of tiny red maggots." says Landover Baptist
Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "Once enough of them are
bred, an army is assembled. They exit the nesting area and enter the
throat. It is at this point, you are infected, and the battle for your
Creation research on oral sex was started about a year ago when Pastor Horace Wilkins of Freehold, Iowa, through means his son is now reconciled with, once acquired some of his boy's own semen in the middle of the night, and used a tongue-depressor and a large eye-dropper to splash torrents of the gooey liquid down a bullfrog's gullet. The frog died instantly. As a follow up experiment, Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards tried the same thing on a cat, using a sample of coagulated secretions he found inside of his mother's vagina. The pussy died within fifteen minutes. Our researchers have come a long way since those first two experiments, but these results alone should be enough to raise the hair on the back of your neck and make you think twice about committing oral sex. Oral sex is like playing Russian roulette, but instead of holding a steel gun to your head, you are placing a gun made of skin into your mouth.
For about two thousand years now, married Christian couples didn't think twice about embracing the luxury afforded them in the 13th Chapter of Hebrews, verse 4 ("Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled"), as a free ticket to act like a pair of coked-up San Fernando Valley porn stars whenever they jumped in bed together. Although the Bible clearly gives married couples a license to male on female sodomy, the freedom to bring whips, French maid outfits, clippers, scat play, and in dozens of cases - outright murder!* into the wedding bed, we are beginning to understand, through the miracle of Creation Science that the Lord feels a need to draw the line somewhere. At Landover Baptist, we are honored to be on the cutting edge of Christendom by openly discouraging oral gratification, even among married couples!
A Warning to Unwed Saved Young People:
Christian young people today are just as eager as their ancestors were to
partake in the Bible-based sexual revolution that the Apostle Paul affords us
in his "if you're married you can be as freaky as you want" quip
from Hebrews, but it just might be because of countless generations of
pre-marital fornicating recklessness that the good Lord saw fit to poison oral
pleasure. The talk outside the prayer closets in Bible Colleges across this
country used to be, "if you don't put it in, it ain't no sin."
We've all been outside our fair share of prayer closets in our lives, feeling
the blood racing, the pulse pounding - believing that we could do anything we
wanted but, "it," to that cute little Elementary Education major
with the heavenly ankles. Lord knows, most of us are so skilled by the time we
get out of Bible college that we can flip flop a music hall recital nook into
a rectal depository and without batting our eyes turn the same den of iniquity
into an emergency prayer closet to suit the Lord's will. Well, thanks to
modern breakthroughs in Creation Science, we are beginning to understand just
a little bit more about what we call, the chemistry of the Lord's will.
To put it quite frankly, Creation Science is teaching us that our loving God
in Heaven won't think twice about giving Satan permission to assemble a swarm
of tiny little soul eating demons on the tip of your tongue for having oral
sex! Yes! Even if you are married! So, unwed saved young people,
if you value your lives, you need to stop fooling around RIGHT NOW!
As True Christians™, it is our
sworn duty to do everything in our power to prevent the Lord from getting
irritated. So, young ladies need to wipe the
semen from their chins and get right with the Lord!
And young men, the only crack your nose needs to be in is the open
crack of the Holy Bible!
*According to Landover Baptist Church records (1646 - Present Time) we were forced by the Lord Jesus to let over 1,400 Christian husbands get off Scott-Free after murdering their wives in bed. Although this might be a troubling statistic for some of us, it is really none of our business. The Good Lord writes the rules and it is our obligation not to question one jot or twiddle of His word, it is simply our duty to follow it. We are to remain obedient to God's Holy Word at all costs, and despite the pull of our carnal conscience, always remain content to have your True Christian™ hands tied by the sacred glory of God's commandments. Unless a breakthrough in Creation Science suggests otherwise.
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