Action Alert!

American Children Are Trying To Masturbate With Electronic Abdominal Exercise Machines!

FREEHOLD IA - The Landover Baptist Board of Directors approved a $2.5 million budget for Creation Scientists to open a 4-year investigation into an abdominal exercise tool called the "Ab Toner." The budget was approved last month after several Christian children were hospitalized in over a week's time. Each suffered similar injuries on and/or around their buttocks and penises. Church investigators found the youngsters used their parent's credit cards to purchase the "Ab Toner" from a 4 a.m. info-mercial broadcast through a secular television station in Des Moines. "It took under one minute of viewing the commercial before Satan entered the boys' minds and they began thinking of a way they could wrap the device around their penises," said one Christian psychologist. "You can't really blame the boys. In reality, turning on a secular television station in a Christian home is like sending Lucifer a personal invitation to hold a picnic in your living room."

"We'll get to finding out what a secular television station was doing 'on' in a Christian home, later," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "For now, we're just concerned about performing our Godly duty in getting an action alert out to every True Christian® in America." Aside from subliminal messages and sexually suggestive photos placed in the "Ab-Toner's" instruction booklet, preliminary findings indicate that the "Ab-Toner" device produces gentle electronic pulses that are regulated by intensity and frequency.

"What really disturbs us most," said Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, "is that at the very beginning of the instruction booklet it states, 'Read this manual thoroughly before you begin.' There is no question that that statement is both malicious and deliberate." Edwards noted that pornographic pictures of females and males with "Ab-Toners" placed on revealing parts of their bodies throughout the manual direct innocent children to participate in something called, Targeted Toning. "As Christians, we know that the target the perverts who created this disgusting device are ultimately trying to tone is the human penis," said Edwards. "It's just sad that three wonderful young Christian boys had to have theirs hacked off at the stem before we got our budget approved."

During this Sunday's service, Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred, informed a shocked congregation that the "Ab-Toner" caused muscles in the boys' private areas to harden and grow at such an accellerated rate that one of the youngsters nearly poked out his eye with the tip of his penis. "I was there by Timmy Huxton's hospital bed and saw it for my own eyes," said Pastor. "The great length of his genitals was such that the skin itself could not take the strain and was tearing away even as we stood there with our jaws agape. There was naught they could do to releive the boy's suffering but to remove it altogether."

Pastor Deacon Fred and Landover Baptist's team of Creation Scientists will hold a press conference later this month to reveal the details of their preliminary findings to secular scientists and the liberal media. "Our hope is that even unsaved people (and may God forgive me for saying this) may not have to suffer in this life (because we know that Jesus is going to allow demons to duplicate this horror for them in eternal Hell) as these poor Christian children did," said Pastor.






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