February 2001

Part 1: Dietary Tips

Good day, ladies. I am Heather Hardwick, wife of famed Landover pastor and businessman, Brother Harry Hardwick. I’m here to provide you my insight on caring for your body and mind as a true Christian lady should. Believe me, it isn’t easy staying physically and mentally fit. But it is well worth the effort. After all, each of our bodies is a temple housing the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Now, who among us wants to become known as the Motel 6 of the Lord’s homes?

Let’s start with diet. Of course, it goes without saying that consumption of alcohol and tobacco are absolute no-nos. I have it on the Highest Authority that every woman engaged in such acts, upon her arrival in a pitch black, dank Hell, will find that the match she uses to light her cigarette will ignite the lake surrounding her body, which, of course, will consist of every ounce of alcohol she ever drank on Earth.

Setting aside those vices, I find it is critical for Christian ladies to have a well-balanced diet containing foods from each of the four major food groups: fat, sugar, protein and carbohydrate. Focus on meat, dairy products and sweets. Avoid processed foods at all costs. These include oatmeal, yogurt, Lean Cuisine, Power Bars, cottage cheese, wheat germ and anything made by the inartfully named “Healthy Choice” group. A simple rule of thumb is that if it doesn’t live in a barn, or at least come out of something that lives in a barn, it probably isn’t worth eating. 

Some unsaved nutritionists have condemned similar diets, but my plan is amply supported by the Holy Bible, which once again proves medical researchers wrong.  Throughout the Old Testament, God rewarded good acts by instructing his people to eat the fat of the calf – and lots of it, too. “And ye shall eat fat till ye be full” (Ezekiel 39:19). Now, would God reward his people with something unhealthy? Of course, not. The people of yesteryear ate loads of red meat, fat, cheese, cream, butter and oil (Deuteronomy 32:13-14; 1 Samuel 17:18). And the most favored people ate the largest quantities (Genesis 43:34). Yet the people back then lived to be hundreds of years old, much longer than people today.

Consider what has happened since the introduction of starvation (low-fat) diets.  Crime is running rampant, crack use is increasing, global tensions are escalating, promiscuity is commonplace and conversion to the Democratic Party is on the rise. All of this can be linked to these ridiculous diets that allow one to eat little more than rabbit food, resulting in too little nourishment for the brain and, ultimately, angry, bitter people. Folks turn to drugs, sex and liberal do-gooder work as a substitute for food. We might never have seen a condom machine in a public lavatory were it not for low-fat diets, and Bush certainly would have won by a bigger landslide without them.

Some of the demons reading this are now undoubtedly thinking about vegetables.  Vegetables are to be avoided whenever possible. Granted, if the vegetables are part of a cream sauce or have already been mixed with the pasta, there is little you can do, but keep consumption to a minimum. Direct your help to avoid the produce section when shopping. My Wanda knows that the more green there is in the shopping bags, the less green she’ll get at the end of the week. Let us not forget that Jesus referred to the meat-eaters as strong and healthy and the vegetarians as weak and sickly (Romans 14:2).

Vegetables probably have some residual nutritional value, but large consumption of them must be avoided because of their side effects. I don’t mean to be graphic here, but every Christian lady knows what beans, cabbage, cauliflower and the like can do to you. And no True Christian® lady would ever engage in that disgusting act in public, where people are listening, or in private, where God is listening. Granted, the Bible says God passes gas to a lovely harp-like tune (Isaiah 16:11), but God is a man, and what is proper for a man is usually not proper for a lady. That is certainly true of this act. Of course, remaining ladylike is our most important goal, surpassing any health concerns. Best to avoid any food that comes from the ground, unless it merely gives shape to your salad.

To show this diet in operation, I have included one of my typical Monday menus below. After each food item, I have indicated each food group to which it belongs. This menu may not be for you, for instance, you may not care for sweetbreads. You may substitute freely, with comparable foods. Just base your plan on the principles identified above. Always remember – Jesus lives within you. Ask yourself whether Jesus would prefer a rich, creamy alfredo sauce or a tasteless, runny low-fat ranch substitute.


Breakfast (I keep this meal small because I’m not really very hungry when I awake)
4-egg omelette with sausage, cheddar cheese and sour cream (F, P, C)
Croissants dipped in melted butter (F, P, C)
Country ham with red eye gravy (F, P)
French toast with butter and homemade maple syrup (F, S, C)
Cappuccino with extra whipped cream and sugar (F, S, C)

Mid-morning snack
Small blocks of cheese and beef, drizzled with olive oil and basil (F, P)

Appetizer: Assorted paté with gourmet bread and crackers (F, P, C)
Soup: Lobster bisque (F, P)
Salad: Chef (ham, turkey, American cheese, bacon, boiled eggs, blue cheese
dressing; veggies kept to a minimum) (F, P, C)
Entree: Fried pork chops (3 to 5, depending on size) (F, P)
Sides: Fried rice pilaf (F, C)
Scalloped potatoes (F, C)
Linguini in mozarella cheese sauce (F, C)
Dessert: White chocolate bread pudding topped with creme brulee, or
fried ice cream (F, S, C)

Early afternoon snack
Nachos with beef, cheese, sour cream and guacamole (F, P, C)

Late afternoon snack
Fried cheese (F, P, C)
Potato skins with melted cheese and bacon (F, P, C)

Appetizer: Assorted (e.g., cocktail franks, sausage balls, bacon-wrapped shrimp)(F, P)
Soup: Cream of corn and crab chowder (F, C)
Salad: Waldorf (with real whipped cream) (F, C, S)
1st entree: Broiled pork roast, stuffed with foie gras and Virginia ham, swimming in
Hollandaise sauce (F, P)
2nd entree: Sweetbreads in natural juices (F, P)
Sides: Fettuccine alfredo (F, C)
Yams in brown sugar sauce (F, S, C)
Potatoes au gratin (F, C)
Dessert: Bananas foster and cherries jubilee (F, S, C)
Drink: Fruit punch or chocolate shake (F, S, C)

Midnight snack
Sandwich cookies crumbled in heavy cream (F, S, C)
Hot chocolate (F, S, C)



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