Register Your Sissy Boy For Vacation Bible
Checklist and Frequently Asked Questions:
Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately discuss the importance your church family's reputation. Make sure that he is fully aware that if he does anything to embarrass you or the Lord this summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat his little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him shipped off to a Russian orphanage when he gets home. Let him know that you didn't raise him to be a sissy or a cry-baby so if you get word that any of that nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a new Daddy when he gets back from camp, because you don't want him to be your son anymore.
How do I Handle Homesickness?
Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation to "rescue" your child. You are not permitted to communicate with your child for the entire four weeks he is away at camp. Please understand that we are doing everything in our power to make a man out of your 12-year-old boy. We own him for a month. Any calls you receive from the camp Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that your child is being whipped with a tree branch in accordance with camp policy or being locked in a bear cave until he cries himself dry.
What are the Fees and are there Refunds?
The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of the Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of registration. If your child is unable to attend (due to death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel within 10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The Bull) Nelson @ 800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may then be available for another youngster.
What is the policy on Sleeping Mates?
Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff, prior to the start of each session. Our counselors observe each boy through closed circuit cameras as they are left to fend for themselves alone in the wilderness for the first two days. During this time they are carefully studied by a staff of Creation Scientists to detect any outward manifestations of possible homosexual tendencies, such as fear and excessive wiping with leaves after defecation. We utilize our findings to avoid placing two molly-coddlers in the same sleeping bag for the next several weeks. Friends are not allowed to bunk together (where cabins are available during the end of the third week) We will try, whenever possible to honor the requests of parents whose income brackets and contributions to the church warrant special sleeping arrangement requests made with pre-registration. All boys (except the offspring of Platinum-level tithing parents) will be forced to eat what is scooped onto their tin plates. Camp is no place for finicky eaters or silly claims about allergies. Platinum level tithers are encouraged to get special dietary requests to room service three weeks before departure.
What are the guidelines for Phone Calls?
Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used to contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be used exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report other children for insubordination. Cell phones may also be used if your child finds himself in a life threatening emergency situation.. Examples would be a gun wound to the head or being mauled by a grizzly bear. Being treed by a grizzly bear is not an emergency. It is a character-building event, and should be waited out if the child is unarmed.
Do I send food with my child?
Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to serve as a Bible trail mix. Other than that, understand that your child is attending Bible camp to learn post-apocalyptic techniques on how to hunt, stalk, and kill his own food or starve to death. No meals are served in the first two weeks. You child will also learn to barter and share the love of Jesus at gunpoint should they be left behind as part of the unsaved remnant after the Great Tribulation.
Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An offering will be taken up after morning services each day. By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in the collection plate, he will learn the importance of giving money to people who matter most to the Lord. Any child who fails to put $20 into the offering plate will be taught a valuable lesson about peer pressure and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a bat-infested cave for the duration of the summer where he can more carefully contemplate his selfishness.
What is there to do?
Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible reading, Scripture memory contests, marksmanship competitions, Old testament wild deer and boar sacrifices, gun care and cleaning, manly fellowship, Bible skits, and evening super surprise game competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains by helicopter.
Who can come?
Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over 50 Bible verses.
What is the time schedule?
We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp. Thus, we are operating in what camp counselors refer to as "Eternity Mode." By depriving your child of food and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will experience a complete loss of time and space, and ultimately self-worth at various points within the 30 days, coming to a better understanding of his piteousness in the eyes of the Lord.
What if my child is caught with Drugs or Alcohol on the camp property?
Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp Pastor. Your child will be stripped naked and a full cavity search will be mechanically performed. The child will then be forced to endure the next 30 days of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or company.
Doing it Again For