1. Wait for unsaved children to come to your door and hurl a
bucket full of warm lamb's blood
(goat or dog blood can be substituted later in the night if
you run out) all over their hair and faces. Shout -
"I plead the power of the Blood of the Perfect Lamb
over you! Take that! FOUL DEMON!"
2. Dress up as the freshly resurrected Christ.
To make your costume as realistic as possible: (a)
use your mother's sewing needles to poke holes in your hands
and stomach; (b) wear bluish makeup to look like someone who
has been dead and lying around in a cave for a couple of
days; and (c) stuff five pounds of week-old hamburger meat
in your pockets to smell like rotting flesh.
Sneak up behind people, grab them, turn them around,
look them in they eyes and scream, "Why have you
forsaken me!" And then slap them very hard
across the face with a palm-full of rancid hamburger meat.
It will usually scare the living Hell out of little
children, and they are sure to remember their first
experience with Jesus for the rest of their pathetic lives.
3. Offer to exchange your giant treat bag with the small bag of an unsaved child - when he gets home, surprise! BIBLES!
4. Paint your face black, dress up in a flashy suit, and
wander around a predominantly colored
neighborhood - talking Ebonics into a cell phone
about how the Lord Jesus saved you – in a voice loud
enough to wake the sleeping winos!
This doesn't have to be just for Halloween. You can
try this anytime. When they ask what you are talking about,
simply reply, "Yo, yo, yo wazzup?
I be off da chain for Jesus!
I be pimpin'
for da playa JC on the fly with mad props." Then
give them one of those arthritic hand signals the Bloods
give their friends, the Crips.
Most likely, they will persecute you for
5. Vincent Price may have thought he was scary, but nothing
touches the Lord when it comes to the gruesome and macabre!
With baby dolls and ketchup, use your front lawn to
stage a realistic reenactment of when the Lord got jealous
of Samarians worshiping a rival god and ordered that their
children be hacked to pieces and their pregnant women
experience the Lord's abortion-by-sword calling card. (Hosea
6. The only costume you should be wearing is "The Holy Ghost Halloween Costume." Jesus makes it quite clear in Matthew Chapter 12:31 that there is one unforgivable sin, and that is blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. So, remember not to say anything unflattering about yourself while in this costume – or you will instantly damn yourself.
7. Feed almonds to your Christian family dog
for the two months leading up to Satan's birthday,
Halloween. Follow him
around with a pooper scooper. Carefully place the dog-filth
in Almond Joy candy wrappers.
Sealed in plastic, also insert a Bible verse.
At the end of the Bible verse, in very small type,
provide a warning not to eat the "candy."
That way, wicked children who choose candy over the
Word of God will get exactly what they deserve!
8. When trick-or-treaters come to your door, tell them you are
no different than the Lord Jesus when it comes to playing
host to sinners. Then,
take them into your basement (where the heater is set as hot
as it will go) and torture them.
9. One of the best ways to witness on Halloween is by banging on a door, running into the living room and declaring that you will not leave the home of the unsaved until they sit and listen to you read an entire Chick Tract!
10. Place a burning cross in your front yard, dress your kids up as ghosts, form a circle around the cross, and sing hymns all night.
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