Godly Sermons

Friends, what you are about to hear has caused more controversy and more griping and moaning’ within the body of the Lord than any other subject. “If someone is diagnosed as a schizophrenic, and he is saved, and his other manifest personality is not.. then how do you get the latter into church?” There are so many tangents we could take with this issue. We could ask the question, “What if the one personality made a salvation decision and the other personality is a pagan, or a Catholic, or maybe even a Satanist? If that person dies while the satanic personality is presently dominant, will that person go to hell? We think so, otherwise we wouldn’t be so concerned here. 

Being a doctor and a practitioner of the fine art of psychoanalysis, I have been called of the Lord to confront these issues on a daily basis. I have a patient right now, I won’t name names, but young Fitzimond Winkleberry MacGivens has been under my care for nearly two and a half years. In those two plus years I have been successful in determining that the young lad (who as you know is a member of this congregation) has eleven distinguishing personalities. Yes friends, I hear your gasps, our own Fitzimond MacGivens has multiple personality disorder. Unlike Rev. Clunas however, whose only return to a previous personality was on one occasion, (he was a catholic priest two times and retained his Christian name and person when he did so) young Fitzimond tears through his personalities like a hyena would thrash and chew away at a freshly killed gazelle. It is frightening, yes, frightening indeed. 

You all know young Fitzimond as the kind-hearted choir boy, whose voice has thrilled us all for many years. I however, know the young Fitzimond who is an Indonesian sheep herder with a bad temperament for cold tea. I know the young Fitzimond who is Ruth Ashbury from Devonshire England, a bitter and angry old woman who had her husband locked away in an institution for smiling at the exposed ankles of a young lass who did nothing more than deliver milk to the Ashbury residence on a hot July afternoon in 1935. I know the young Fitzimond who is Willie the warthog, a short lived cartoon character from a worn out nickelodeon found in the basement of Hampstead Longfellow, 19th century archivist and collector from Dartmouth Massachusetts. I know the young Fitzimond who is Catherine and Delilah Ramsfield, identical twins separated at birth but joined by a mutual psychokinetic link that boggles the imagination. I know the young Fitzimond who is Rabbi Waxman, the desperately lost Hassidic who would never listen to his Baptist friends when they told him that the Messiah had already come. I know the young Fitzimond who is Hank Crenshaw, the co-dependent auto mechanic from Luxburo Tennessee. I know the young Fitzimond who tried to bite his own ears off the sides of his head because they simply were not listening to him. And yes, dear friends, I know the young Fitzimond who is the kind-hearted choir boy whose voice has thrilled us all, the young Fitzimond who made a distinctive decision to give his life over to the Lord at the age of three. The saved Fitzimond. The eternally secure Fitzimond. What I do know for a fact, from my experience is that the other ten young Fitzimonds that I know, are not saved. I hear your gasps even now my friends. The horrifying truth of it all is that if he were to leave this world under one of those other personalities, he would surely burn. 

So you see. It is a far more serious problem than you first realized. Pastor Ebeneezer and I have spoken for hours about this case, and even entertained the possibility that there are hundreds of thousands of others like them all over the world. We are aware of no article of legislature within the context of the Catholic Catechism that has ever confronted one of these cases in its long gruesome and bloody history. We are aware of no current Protestant official standard for dealing with such cases. So I can tell you here and now, that we are the first who are attempting to get these alternate personalities into a good bible believing fundamentalist church. The analysis is no where near complete. There are many issues to decide on like, would each personality being saved.. be responsible for a separate tithe to the church? How to stabilize the redeemed personality on the death bed to keep it from going into other characters. How to contain the individuals who cannot have all of their personalities saved so that they will not cause confusion to the unsaved who see them in questionable places or committing lewd acts (this is also an issue of maintaining our conservative image here at Landover Baptist). The questions are endless and time can only tell us what the results will be. As for now, It was a joy speaking with each and every one of you on this, the Lord’s day. I thank pastor Ebeneezer for the time, well in fact he suggested I come up here to brief you on this important subject. I hope to see all of you in the creation science museum or at the post communion party next weekend. Thank-you. 

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