Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately discuss the
importance your church family's reputation. Make sure that
he is fully aware that if he does anything to embarrass you
or the Lord this summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat
his little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him shipped off to a Russian
orphanage when he gets home. Let him know that you didn't
raise him to be a sissy or a cry-baby so if you get word
that any of that nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a
new Daddy when he gets back from camp, because you don't
want him to be your son anymore.
How do I Handle Homesickness?
Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you
that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying
about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation
to "rescue" your child. You are not permitted to
communicate with your child for the entire four weeks he is
away at camp. Please understand that we are doing
everything in our power to make a man out of your 12-year-old
boy. We own him for a month. Any calls you receive from
the camp Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that
your child is being whipped with a tree branch in accordance
with camp policy or being locked in a bear cave until he
cries himself dry.
to Bring to Bible Camp?
to Leave At Home?
- King James Bible
- Revolver with
- Plenty of Ammunition
- Knives suitable for
- Cell Phone and
- Tape Recorder
- Hand Cuffs
- One Change of
- Money for Offering
- Notebook, Pens and
- Secular Music
- Sleeping Bag
- Soap and Shampoo
- Camera and Film
- Stuffed Animals
- Insect Repellant
- Rain Gear
- Sissy Friends
What are the Fees and are there Refunds?
The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of the
Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of
registration. If your child is unable to attend (due to
death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel within
10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The Bull) Nelson @
800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may then be available for
What is the policy on Sleeping Mates?
Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff,
prior to the start of each session. Our counselors observe
each boy through closed circuit cameras as they are left to
fend for themselves alone in the wilderness for the first
two days. During this time they are carefully studied by a
staff of Creation Scientists to detect any outward
manifestations of possible homosexual
tendencies, such as fear and excessive wiping with
leaves after defecation. We utilize
our findings to avoid placing two molly-coddlers in the same
sleeping bag for the next several weeks. Friends are not
allowed to bunk together (where cabins are available during
the end of the third week) We will try, whenever possible to
honor the requests of parents whose income brackets and
contributions to the church warrant special sleeping
arrangement requests made with pre-registration. All
boys (except the offspring of Platinum-level tithing
parents) will be forced to eat what is scooped onto their
tin plates. Camp is no place for finicky
eaters or silly claims about allergies. Platinum
level tithers are encouraged to get special dietary requests
to room service three weeks before departure.
What are the guidelines for Phone Calls?
Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used to
contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be used
exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report other children
for insubordination. Cell phones may also be used if your
child finds himself in a life threatening emergency
situation.. Examples would be a gun wound to the head or
being mauled by a grizzly bear. Being treed by a grizzly
bear is not an emergency. It is a character-building event,
and should be waited out if the child is unarmed.
Do I send food with my child?
Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each
child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to serve as a
Bible trail mix. Other than that, understand that your child
is attending Bible camp to learn post-apocalyptic techniques
on how to hunt, stalk, and kill his own food or starve to
death. No meals are served in the first two weeks. You child will also learn to
barter and share the love of Jesus at gunpoint should they
be left behind as part of the unsaved remnant after the
much money should my child take to Camp?
Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An
offering will be taken up after morning services each day.
By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in the
collection plate, he will learn the importance of giving
money to people who matter most to the Lord. Any child who
fails to put $20 into the offering plate will be taught a
valuable lesson about peer pressure and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a bat-infested cave for the duration of the
summer where he can more carefully contemplate his
What is there to do?
Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible reading,
Scripture memory contests, marksmanship competitions, Old
testament wild deer and boar sacrifices, gun
care and cleaning, manly fellowship, Bible
skits, and evening super surprise game
competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt
unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains
Who can come?
Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who
finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional
grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill
an endangered animal and memorize over
50 Bible verses.
What is the time schedule?
We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp. Thus,
we are operating in what camp counselors refer to as
"Eternity Mode." By depriving your child of food
and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will
experience a complete loss of time and space, and ultimately
self-worth at various points within the 30 days, coming to a
better understanding of his piteousness in the eyes of the
What if my child is caught with Drugs or Alcohol on the
Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp Pastor.
Your child will be stripped naked and a full cavity search
will be mechanically performed. The child will then be forced to endure
the next 30 days of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or
WARNING: OLD TESTAMENT STYLE RAIDS THIS YEAR!
This year, our young campers
will again be conducting several
Biblical, Old Testament style Davidic Covenent raids on the ungodly
little book worm pansies at
Camp Quest (a secular summer
camp for sacrilegious science-loving sissies).
Please bring your cap-guns, squirt guns and pistols (if you are
over 7-years old and love Jesus) for some old fashioned
soul-winning shoot-em-up dusty dirt devil foot dancin'!
Talk to a camp counselor when you arrive, as we anticipate
that seats on the school buses will fill up quickly for the
nightly raids, and
make sure your parents check the box on your permission slip
that says you can stay up past curfew.