April 2001

Recent secular studies have shown that a large number of homosexual men have an automatic aversion to Bush. Speakers at a recent “gay pride” celebration were quoted as saying, “Bush stinks,” “Bush is slimy,” and “Every time I see Bush, I get sick to my stomach.” Steve Stouffer, director of the political action committee, “Gays Against Bush,” stated just last week: “The gay community has avoided any contact with a Bush since 1992. Now, all of sudden, people want to throw a new one in our faces. We’re no more impressed now than we were when confronted with the first Bush as teens.”
"I had hoped I could like Bush -- really I did -- but several weeks ago I realized Bush isn't for me."

Conservatives and religious leaders have been trying to sell Bush to gays for some time. Exodus International (a Republican ex-gay group trying desperately to achieve the success of Betty Bowers’ BASH Ministry,) rewards its clients financially when they declare their love of Bush. Though no member has ever physically encountered Bush, Exodus is planning meetings for all of its members in the coming months. Recent Exodus graduate, Adrian Montrose, stated: “I’m a little nervous about actually getting close to Bush. Bush is awfully intimidating. I guess I’ll just close my eyes, thrust my hand forward and hope Bush grabs it.” Added current Exodus member, Jonathan Jacques, “I’ve been told the Bush we will see will be younger and far more open than the Bush we remember from our youth. They say this Bush appeals to everyone, inviting anyone to come into the fold. That should make it easier even for those of us who used to be so repulsed.”

Stouffer certainly doesn’t see eye-to-eye with these homos who have turned their lives to God to cure their affliction. “A Bush is a Bush is a Bush,” he stated emphatically. “I don’t care if a Bush is young or old, open or closed, dry or all wet. It is a Bush, nonetheless, and must be avoided at all costs.”

Despite homos’ aversion to Bush, homos have far less objection to those surrounding Bush. The surveys cited above found a generally held belief among homo men that the country is in good shape in light of the presence of Dick and Colin. “Give me Dick over Bush any day of the week,” observed Peter Paisley, director of gymnastics at Freehold Junior College. “While it seems Bush just kind of sits there sagging, waiting for someone else to take action, Dick is a real go-getter. Whenever he sees a hole, Dick comes to attention immediately and plugs it up. And Dick’s in and out of there in no time. Granted, as Dick gets older, Dick is able to fill fewer voids in a given amount of time. But unlike Bush, Dick doesn’t tend to fall apart the more he works."

"I think of Bush as a big, hairy mess with an empty cavity. Colin however, has a durable character and Dick is always there to back things up in a tight squeeze."

Whereas about half the homos interviewed were especially impressed with Dick, the other half seemed enthralled by Colin. Paisley’s live-in companion, Frederick Wallsingham, observed: “I haven’t been able to get enough of Colin since I first saw Colin over 10 years ago. I know some say Bush is the more known and acceptable commodity. They say Colin is an aberration. However, the fact that Colin is different than what society has come to know traditionally in the same role doesn’t mean Colin isn’t just as effective -- in my opinion, even more so. Bush is unreliable. There are times when you just can’t – or shouldn’t -- approach Bush. There are times when Bush won’t let you anywhere near. Colin is far more willing to engage anyone and is almost always available. Bush becomes less malleable over time. Colin, on the other hand, has handled some really crappy jobs and always comes out smelling like a rose.”
"I don't trust Bush. Just look at that disgusting grin. I don't see how people get sucked into it. I thank God that Dick is around."

The Republican National Committee is funding a multi-million dollar study to determine how they can induce both gay and colored men to get closer to Bush.



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