April 2001

Last week, the board of regents of Landover Baptist University reviewed a controversial proposal to substantially reduce and ultimately eliminate this nation’s reliance on the oil imported from towel-headed heathens. Graduate students from the Department of Creation Science, in a preliminary release of a draft of their doctoral dissertation, propose that private corporations begin an immediate program to harness energy directly from Hell. In particular, the group proposes that energy conglomerates, individually or jointly, construct a giant drill, hundreds of miles long, with the center of the drill hollow. The drill would be connected to a giant energy-storing vat. Technicians would drive the drill through the ground continuously, until Hell is reached. According to the report, the unbelievable temperatures of Hell create tremendous pressure which would immediately shoot the hottest air imaginable through the drill at nearly the speed of sound, where it would be captured in the vat. The amount of energy that could be contained is infinite. Controversy over the proposed dissertation led the board of regents to convene a special meeting.

The proposal was the product of three years of research, and the eight students’ dissertation was scheduled to be submitted next Fall. Group leader, Darrow Clarence, defended the proposal to the board. “We all know from the inerrant Holy Bible that Hell makes up the bottom of the Earth. God says Hell is beneath our feet (Isaiah 14:9; Deuteronomy 32:22) and has promised to cast those who disobey Him “down to hell” (Ezekiel 31:16). So we know the drill will be going in the right direction. Some of the secular/Satanic academicians we have encountered in our research have said it would be impossible to build a drill large enough to fully penetrate Earth, and some have even sarcastically said such a drill, if feasible, would exit the Earth through China. Both claims are ridiculous. We know that, even before electricity, people once built a tower so high they almost reached Heaven (Genesis 11:4-6). And we know it is easier to reach the devil than God. Reaching Hell might be time-consuming, but it’s a cinch. 

Clarence continued: “As for that crazy China argument, that is based on the now universally-rejected-by-Christians fantasy that the Earth is round when God repeatedly told us the Earth is flat. We know, for instance, there was once a tree tall enough to see “to the end of the Earth” (Daniel 4:10-11), the devil took Jesus to a mountain tall enough to see “all the kingdoms of the world” (Matthew 4:5-8; Luke 4:5) and, come Judgment Day, there will be “four angels standing on the four corners of the earth” (Relevation 7:1). None of this would be possible if the Earth were round. We therefore know the drill will extend to the bottom reaches of the Earth, where it will capture immeasurable energy from Hell."

Many of those attending the public board meeting became incensed. An irate Mrs. Judy O’Christian expressed tremendous fear for her deceased relatives. “As all of you know, many of the O’Christians no longer with us were not of the God-fearing variety. How can I be sure that drill won’t stab Uncle Fester, the wino, or Cousin Bridgette, the harlot, or my dear, angelic nephew, Nathan, who was run over by a bus before he completed BASH?” Mrs. Taffy Crockett eventually pulled Mrs. O’Christian back to her seat, reminding her that she is a woman and the meeting was being held in the university chapel. Daniel Crockett then spoke for Sister Taffy and himself. “This is far too risky a venture. A direct link to Hell would be a very dangerous thing. How do we know that, right along with that hot air, thousands of demons might not escape and infest our children and livestock?”

The board debated the proposal for just 15 minutes before Chairman Emeritus, Harry Hardwick, announced their ruling. “This university, along with all institutions of Landover Baptist, has followed the Holy Bible for more than 200 years, and we’re not about to stop now. When people tried to reach Heaven with the Tower of Babel, God confounded them by spreading them about the world and giving those He sent away languages other than English (Genesis 11:8-9). This was the beginning of the non-white races, one of the greatest plagues the planet has ever known. There is no telling what punishment God might inflict if we try to reach Hell. To accept this proposal would be to play God, much like those Satanic doctors who use medicine and scalpels to treat demon-possession. This, we are not inclined to do. Furthermore, a permanent energy source would financially devastate the Godly oil tycoons in this country whose soft money, coupled with the Supreme Court, ensured that Bush became President despite the contrary will of the heathen masses. Anything that displaces domestic oil displaces God.”

The board gave the students until Monday to submit a new topic for their dissertation. 



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