August 2001

Des Moines IA - The city of Freehold was embroiled in a controversy this week over efforts to commemorate the lives of two men who died on Monday. One, an American Indian man who had dedicated fifty years of his life to charity work and was responsible for building seven well regarded orphanages and homeless shelters in the area. The other, a convicted murderer and child-molester. Local Christians and Native Americans got into a bitter fracas over which of the dead men would be honored in the Freehold public square this Saturday.

Local Christians prevailed in forcing the city to evict the Native Americans to allow for a commemoration of Christian media darling and child-molester, Wayne Hobbs. "For it wasn't three seconds before they pulled the switch," said Pastor Deacon Fred, of Landover Baptist Church, "that Mr. Hobbs allowed the Lord Jesus Christ to enter his once-blackened heart and forgive him of his sins. Anyone who reads the Bible knows that the Lord has a keen ear for poetry. And only the most hardened, unsaved trash could not appreciate the lyrical beauty of a man who has spent so many years splashing about in the hot, wet blood of his many hacked-up little victims ending his last few moments on Earth dripping from head to toe with the Blood of the Greatest Victim of them all -- Jesus! Glory!"

Mr. Hobbs was apprehended nearly three years ago after a bloody 12-state killing spree in which he brutally slaughtered and raped at least 127 children under the age of 10. "The devil had a hold on that boy," one True Christian source stated, "that is . . . until the last three seconds of his life when Jesus finally broke through and saved his soul from a horror worse than any man could devise. I mean, when it comes to gruesome ways of hurting folks, even Charles Manson is a pussycat compared to the Lord. But, in fairness, the Lord's been doing it a whole lot longer."

The largest real church in North America, Landover Baptist, planned a day of silence followed by its traditional multi-million-dollar fireworks celebration on the Freehold public square, called the Last Second Souls Sendoff. " "Souls that have committed horrible crimes and evil acts that are saved within seconds of their death are something worth celebrating," explained Pastor Deacon Fred. "You see, the Lord's Great Plan is about as hard to figure out as one of those O. Henry stories. You just never know what plot twist awaits you until you turn that final page. And when the Lord snatches someone out of the jaws of Satan just as the Beast has slathered the sinner in mayo and is about to champ down, the least we can do is give the Almighty a big round of applause for yet one more surprise ending! And our fireworks go up high enough so that the folks in Glory can enjoy them, too," boasted Pastor Deacon Fred. "Never say them Chinese didn't do at least one thing useful before going to Hell! Praise Jesus!"

Landover Baptist, the only remaining church in the world that believes that every single word in the Holy Bible is the absolute truth, believes that Jesus Christ will reunite convicted child molester, Wayne Hobbs, with all of the children he raped and murdered. "Mr Hobbs is probably rolling around on the grasses of Glory playing with those children right now, giggling along with them in Heavenly Bliss," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "God is good! He just turns things right around!"

"What a wonderful Lord we have that He gives us carte blanche to sin before forgiveness. And we mustn't let the petty relatives of the lost boys take away from that loving gift," stated Pastor Deacon Fred, apparently in a barbed allusion to a comment made by one of the victims' mother to CNN. Mrs. Cheesecloth, mother of the decapitated Jerry Cheesecloth, 8, had told Larry King through tears: " To be honest, I think Jerry'd rather be reunited with his little head than the guy who cut it off."

Church officials were unimpressed with the death of the local Indian man, who, having given half his life to charitable service, remained steadfast in his un-Christian tribal traditions and often partook in the consumption of adult beverages. "The Lord is clear," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We are to rejoice that Mr. Hobbs soul is in Heaven tonight. Even the angels themselves are rejoicing, the Bible tells us. 'Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth' (Luke 15:10).

The "Last Second Souls Sendoff" celebration, which, by its nature, can never be planned too far in advance, forced the city to withdraw a permit for a public memorial service for the Indian gentleman who died on the same day as Mr. Hobbs. "By arrangement with the city, we at Landover Baptist pay over $1,500 to landscape the public square," said Pastor Harry Hardwick. "As such, it is only fair we have some say-so in whether our freshly planted sod is trampled in some insane rain-dance by a pack of half-crazed near-naked red men. Besides, that Injun feller . . . some folks tell me that he had long hair. The Bible tells us that it is a SHAME for a man to have long hair. First Corinthians 11:14 says, "Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" Christians have long claimed that a Bible illiterate, Christ-ignorant world can never understand the mystery of Christ. "There is NO mystery here!" says Pastor Deacon Fred. "A brutal child molester and murderer is in Heaven, and an 87-year old, orphanage-building, charity-giving, homeless-loving, shelter-building, long-haired, red-skinned, totem-worshipping Injun, is having the skin boiled off of his body and eaten by a table full of sulfur-drooling, horned demons every day from now until forever ends! Praise God!"




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