September 2001

In the latest move to establish full legal rights for blobs of wet, amorphous tissue known more commonly as "embryos," the White House Department of Faith began a vigorous campaign in late August to promote their "You're Older Than You Think" campaign. The new program was introduced with a series of public service announcements informing Americans that they are actually nine months older than the date that appears on their drivers licenses. While this change has proven popular with 17-year-olds trying to get into porn theaters, it has been greeted with annoyance by people who traditionally try to pass themselves off as younger than they really are, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, the cast of Friends and every homosexual who has ever walked into a video bar.

Nevertheless, a preliminary test of the program, "You're Older Than You Think" was successfully implemented in the State of Iowa in early July. At his regularly scheduled studio news conference, Secretary of Faith and CFO of the Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, Iowa, Pastor Deacon Fred, announced, "Every True American® should start calculating his age based on the day he was conceived rather than the arbitrary day he happened to make his mucous-filled exit through his mother's unmentionable gaping hairy hole. If we are going to grant citizenship rights to American embryos, we mustn't stop short. A collection of cells that is in the womb for two months is actually a two-month-old child. Praise Jesus! We must recognize that we were all embryos at one time and we don't need to start counting our age all over again at birth, just because our environment changed. The minute the husband screams, 'Oh, baby!' the baby's life begins. This is the most accurate way of determining your real age."

Lesbian Senator Hillary Clinton asserts that the Department of Faith is using the new executive order that adds nine months to people's ages to "police sin." She told Congress that parents in the State of Iowa are required to register their offspring's date of conception with Landover Baptist church officials and that any parent who is unable to pinpoint the exact date is expelled from church rolls, hit with substantial financial penalties and asked to leave the state. In defending the policy, Pastor Deacon Fred stated: "If a woman has trouble recalling the exact night she had intercourse, she is nothing short of an insatiable harlot. The fruit of a strumpet's loins needs to be wrenched from that shameless trollop's embrace the second it is born so that it can continue its life at the Landover Baptist Home for the Unwanted, surrounded by the bracing invigoration of stern Christian morals and a constant dose of eye-for-a-finger disciple."

Pastor Deacon Fred further responded to the Senator's comments by saying, "Mrs. Clinton has been watching the Communist History Channel on cable too much. If we were going to institute a policy that would prejudice unsaved folks, we wouldn't be granting citizenship rights to embryos and we wouldn't be determining birthdays using our "You're Older Than You Think" plan either! We would be calculating ages from the day a person accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior!"

The new policy, which will become effective nationwide on January 1, 2002, is already causing consternation for children throughout Iowa. Since the law went into effect in July, Jesus' new birthday in March had already passed. This means that there will be no Christmas in Iowa this year. On the other hand, Christians throughout American will be able to celebrate both their Savior's birth and death at the same time next year, allowing needy families to cut costs by simply giving their children colored (pastel, not Negro) eggs for Christmas. But the effects of the new policy are being felt by even those who are going straight to Hell. "Well, I just have to laugh at all the pagan witches who follow horoscopes," said Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian. "While Capricorns are now Aries and Pisces are now Gemini, all of their signs still read "damned." That much hasn't changed."

In a statement released Wednesday by the First Lady's press secretary, the White House attempted to squelch rumors that the "You're Older Than You Think" executive order had be instigated by the President simply as a rouse to move Jenna closer to the legal drinking age.



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