Widow to Release Her Husband’s Soul from Mason Jar:
It was discovered this week that
Widow Wankin parlayed her deathbed vigil of her late husband Elmer into
an opportunity to catch his soul in an empty Mason jar. Mrs. Wankin told
friends: “ At the very moment he passed, I grabbed that jar and scooped
up Elmer’s soul just as it rose from his dead body. That rubber flange
was squished tight before that dear, lovely soul knew what had happened
to it. You should have seen the look on its little soul-face. It’s all
I have left of my wonderful Elmer.” Representatives at the Iowa State Fair
commented: “That is a woman who knows how to put up some preserves. If
she pickled his soul, you can bet it’s not going anywhere.” Pastor has
called upon Mrs. Wankin to open the jar and allow the soul to join Jesus.
Landover authorities are currently looking for the container, which has
been hidden by Mrs. Wankin in her vast pantry.
Priest Turns Truckload of Krispy Kreme Donuts Into The Body of Christ:
Boxfuls of glazed and chocolate-dipped Jesuses are thought to be on the
shelves at several area Kroger stores.
of Traditional Values Coalition, Focus on the Family and ChildCare Action
Project View 1,467 Hard-Core Gay Pornographic Videos:
"We were looking for homosexual
subtext. There was something objectionable in all of them. Sometimes, it
was just an ambiguous look; sometimes, just an expert blow-job. I can't
tell you how many penetrations I counted," said a clearly exhausted Louis
P. Sheldon, "because I left my notes in the screening room. I'm amazed
at how homosexual gay porn is - everything was just drenched in hot, sweaty
man-love. Well, except the first few minutes of Good Dick Hunting. That
one took a while to get going."
Fred Storms Out of Conference:
Pastor Deacon Fred angrily dismissed
The Landover Conference of Pastors when they failed to grant him the honorary
title, "His Most Godly Magnificence,” as part of his new eight-figure compensation
package. In lieu of the title, Pastor Deacon Fred declared himself “infallible
in all church matters, except remembering people’s names.”
Authorities Continue Persecution of Christians:
This time, the persecution is for,
of all things, apocalypse preparation. Mr. and Mrs. John Nihilist, longtime
silver Landover members, were arrested by FBI agents late Friday afternoon
for excavating 100 square yards of land they own. Recognizing the End Times
are near, the Nihilists had begun constructing a giant, luxurious shelter
underground to escape the carnage promised in the Bible for those on the
surface. Freehold police began investigating the dig site based on complaints
from neighbors that the work had destroyed plumbing lines, causing massive
leaks and foundation settlement of homes. A police search found extensive
contraband, including a male and a female of various farm animal species.
Federal authorities became involved when Freehold police reported finding
a colored man and his wife locked in one of the rooms underground. An incensed
Mrs. Nihilist responded: "What is the point of going to all this expense
to cope with the rapture if you don't have anyone to serve?"
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