October 2000

October 2000

Pastor Orders Widow to Release Her Husband’s Soul from Mason Jar:
It was discovered this week that Widow Wankin parlayed her deathbed vigil of her late husband Elmer into an opportunity to catch his soul in an empty Mason jar. Mrs. Wankin told friends: “ At the very moment he passed, I grabbed that jar and scooped up Elmer’s soul just as it rose from his dead body. That rubber flange was squished tight before that dear, lovely soul knew what had happened to it. You should have seen the look on its little soul-face. It’s all I have left of my wonderful Elmer.” Representatives at the Iowa State Fair commented: “That is a woman who knows how to put up some preserves. If she pickled his soul, you can bet it’s not going anywhere.” Pastor has called upon Mrs. Wankin to open the jar and allow the soul to join Jesus. Landover authorities are currently looking for the container, which has been hidden by Mrs. Wankin in her vast pantry. 

Drunk Catholic Priest Turns Truckload of Krispy Kreme Donuts Into The Body of Christ: Boxfuls of glazed and chocolate-dipped Jesuses are thought to be on the shelves at several area Kroger stores. 

Founders of Traditional Values Coalition, Focus on the Family and ChildCare Action Project View 1,467 Hard-Core Gay Pornographic Videos: 
"We were looking for homosexual subtext. There was something objectionable in all of them. Sometimes, it was just an ambiguous look; sometimes, just an expert blow-job. I can't tell you how many penetrations I counted," said a clearly exhausted Louis P. Sheldon, "because I left my notes in the screening room. I'm amazed at how homosexual gay porn is - everything was just drenched in hot, sweaty man-love. Well, except the first few minutes of Good Dick Hunting. That one took a while to get going." 

Pastor Deacon Fred Storms Out of Conference:
Pastor Deacon Fred angrily dismissed The Landover Conference of Pastors when they failed to grant him the honorary title, "His Most Godly Magnificence,” as part of his new eight-figure compensation package. In lieu of the title, Pastor Deacon Fred declared himself “infallible in all church matters, except remembering people’s names.” 

Federal Authorities Continue Persecution of Christians:
This time, the persecution is for, of all things, apocalypse preparation. Mr. and Mrs. John Nihilist, longtime silver Landover members, were arrested by FBI agents late Friday afternoon for excavating 100 square yards of land they own. Recognizing the End Times are near, the Nihilists had begun constructing a giant, luxurious shelter underground to escape the carnage promised in the Bible for those on the surface. Freehold police began investigating the dig site based on complaints from neighbors that the work had destroyed plumbing lines, causing massive leaks and foundation settlement of homes. A police search found extensive contraband, including a male and a female of various farm animal species. Federal authorities became involved when Freehold police reported finding a colored man and his wife locked in one of the rooms underground. An incensed Mrs. Nihilist responded: "What is the point of going to all this expense to cope with the rapture if you don't have anyone to serve?" 

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