October 1999

Hispanic/Mexican “religious” groups (gangs) and political organizations (gangs) have threatened Landover Baptist church over our recent shocking revelations concerning hip-swiveling singer Ricky Martin. We reported truthfully last week that Ricky Martin's secular rock song "Living Lavidy Del Loco" was Mexican for "Living for the Devil." Landover also stated that 10-year-old girls were getting pregnant from the song. Since that report, Satan has turned up the heat and the situation has gotten worse: eight-year-old girls are now getting pregnant, simply from hearing the song on the radio.  

“While eight-year old girls getting pregnant might be the norm in Mexico,” said Pastor Deacon Fred, “it is nothing less than scandalous in a civilized and Godly nation like the United States of America. This is Satan at work, and that’s all there is to it.”

Hundreds of Latino gang members have been tearing away at the gates of our church, and have vandalized many of our lovely Christian homes. The water in two of our Fitness Center pools has turned purple. We believe they are responsible. 

There have been shoot-outs and arrests made, but the attacks keep coming, partially due to the fact that Cathylicks do not practice birth control. “There’s just so darn many of them,” Pastor Ebeneezer said, noting, “they mulitply like rabbits.” 

Security forces have been doubled, prompting budgetary concerns. “Well, we’ll just have to forget about the food bank for the poor this winter,” said Mrs. Judy O’Christian, one of the emergency financial planning secretaries. “No big deal. I always thought that program was a waste anyway… definitely no profit in it.”

In order to quell the pandemonium, Landover Baptist decided to make a peace offering to the Latino (catholic) gangs. Pastor Ebeneezer made a generous offer that he unveiled this week. He has decided to purchase three Taco Bell restaurants and place them in strategic locations. 

“These people are very simple human beings, they can be distracted by the smell of taco meat, or the thought of getting a jumbo sized combo meal at a reasonable price,” he said. “We thought of offering free birth control pills, but we’re not certain if these people are familiar with the concept of medicine. Instead we will grind them up and mix them into traditional Mexican dishes like Gorditas,® Burrito Supremes® and Mexican Pizza.®” Landover members are warned to stay away from these Taco Bell menu items for the indefinite future. 

After consulting with local authorities, Rev. Smith decided to offer each gang member a free taco and a small size drink as a sign of peace. When they arrive at Taco Bell to claim their gift, they will also get a Christian Chihuahua like the one shown above, and a comfortable free air-conditioned ride back home from waiting INS officials.

All Rights Reserved. Copyright 1999 C.Harper & Americhrist Ltd.