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GREETINGS!  My name is Pastor Deacon Fred, from Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, Iowa.  Home to the largest Harry Potter Book Burning Festival in North America!  

You know . . . The last time I saw so many unsaved folks in one place was when I was a young man watching secular television.  The king of the Mary Worshipers, Pope John Paul & Ringo was speaking to a crowd in some gobbledygook language he calls Latin, but Southern Baptists recognize it as "tongues."  You don't have to know Latin to know what Catholics are yappin’ on about – if it ain’t the CUTE NEW ALTAR BOY, it's bound to be about their GODESS MARY.  I remember the Pope wearing a hat and skirt  ---- it looked like he picked up at ROSE KENNEDY’S ESTATE SALE!  He was on some balcony in Rome, waving to a crowd of unsaved Eye-talians like some palsied drunk hailing a cab. 

That was many years ago my friends, so MOST OF THAT CROWD OF UNSAVED RING-KISSERS IS BEING SODOMIZED BY DEMONS ON THE DESOLATE SHORES OF THE LAKE OF FIRE BY NOW. 

It is with their fate in mind that I'm gonna be as quick as I can here folks, because whenever I see such a large crowd of godless so called "people" gathered together, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME A LITTLE NERVOUS!   

These are End Times, my friends.  It’s a sick world we live where Disney cartoons like Monster’s Inc make a movie star out of talking green testicle!   I would pray that God  protect our children, but when He gets a bee in His bonnet about something, he turns into a killing machine.  We know from the Great Flood, THAT GOD JUST WIPED OUT EVERYTHING! – he even drowned small children and unborn babies in their mother's womb just cause some old people in town said something that rubbed Him the wrong way.  And why?  Well, when it comes to killing the Lord in Heaven is not like that sniper you all had running around here carefully picking targets.  No, the Lord is more like them commie Russians gassing a Theater – He don't care who makes it to see the curtain call.   

And how do we know this?  You see, they say that everyone has one book in them.  And the Lord SHOT HIS CREATIVE WAD WITH A BOOK CALLED THE BIBLE!   

In the Old Testament, we learn that GOD finds human beings to be very annoying.  He offers us a virtual cornocopia of advice on how to torture and kill just about everything that rubs him the wrong way.   And then in the NEW TESTAMENT, God’s Son shows up and tells us to ignore everything His Daddy told us!  Jesus TELLS US to do a bunch of new things - like give away our worldly possessions -  but frankly – AND MOST OF MY AMERICAN CHRISTIAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS WILL AGREE that sort of thing is just way too inconvenient for us to bother with.   

Now, anyone really familiar with His wonderful book, the BIBLE-  will know that IF THERE IS ONE THING THE LORD ENJOYS MORE THAN MAKING FREE BOOZE AT WEDDING PARTIES - it is killing – preferably employing the economies of scale by slaughtering or drowning a whole mess of folks at once.  Why, Jesus even has a great big furnace of fire where, come Judgment Day, sinners will be gathered together and pitched inside like CHUNKS OF COAL. 

Nowadays, because of the God-appointed Bush administration, the best business to be in is the Oil industry – cause you know that if your balance sheet starts looking gloomy because of crude oil prices, our Christian-government will kill some soldiers to help your bottom line.  Glory!  But back in Bible days, I think the best business to own would have been a quarry.  Because the Lord's answer to everything seems to be a nice, sharp piece of granite through the eyeballs.  Cute little children disobey you?  Stone the brats to death my friends!  Beautiful young bride turns out to know her way around a penis?  Stone the harlot into paste, my Christian brothers and sisters!   

FRIENDS, It isn’t my job to question how the LORD GETS HIS KICKS! – but my guess is that a crowd like this has him SALIVATING AT THE MOUTH!  For you folks have unwisely chosen to deny Him.  Not a smart move.  You see, THE LORD IS VERY INSECURE – AND HE DON’T COTTON TO FOLKS WHO DON’T --  “OOH AND AAH” OVER HIM and tell Him how great He is – or how they love the luster of His blond, slightly permed hair or the twinkle in His mischievous blue eyes.  And He responds to folks who deny Him as any loving God would do – He kills and tortures them.  And this includes folks in the Burmese jungle who denied Him just because He never got around to telling them about Himself! I want to share some scripture with you to give you a flavor OF WHAT THE LOVING LORD has in store for FOLKS LIKE YOU WHO GO AROUND THINKING FOR THEMSELVES!   

I’D ASK YOU TO PULL OUT YOUR BIBLES, BUT WITH THIS CROWD I bet you TOOK ALL THE Gideon Bibles out of your hotel rooms like good little atheists and threw them down the laundry chute!   

IN ANY CASE - Hosea 13:16 says; 

“The people of Samaria must bear their guilt,

because they have rebelled against their God.

They will fall by the sword;  their little ones will be dashed to the ground,

their pregnant women ripped open.”    

Yes, that's right.  The Lord Jesus wants us to constitutionally ban abortion, but He is not above using it to get back at folks who TICK HIM OFF!  I just pray he has the Christian decency to restrain himself until I’m finished here.  I have a feeling that if he is inclined to blow up the world about now, this might be a good place to strike the match.

 You know, it brings a tear of joy to my eyes when I hear stories about the True Christians who run this Nation.  We have people placed in the government who are trying to get you fools to give up your silly superstitions about science and so called “logic.”  Get schools to throw out that nonsense about so-called EVOLUTION and replace it with the "TALKING SNAKE THEORY!"  Why, we even have a TOUNGE-TALKIN’ PEW-JUMPIN’ – CHANDELIER SWINGIN’ PENTECOSTAL FOR A United States Attorney General.  Did you folks know that Mr.  Ashcroft was anointed by Supreme Court Judge, Clarence Thomas with a few drops of Crisco oil, shortly after he took office.  That oil gives him special Holy Ghost powers!   Your science books don’t teach you about true facts like that!   

Thank your lucky stars that you have Christian Americans in office who make most of their decisions based on Holy Scripture.  These are the End Times, where we find that ----- the Lord so loved the world, He is about to blow it up into a billion burning pieces.----  And this godly Republican administration in Washington is going to get Him a head start!  Praise!

 You see, we have Godly Christians in power now, who know that the World is going to be destroyed real soon anyway, so it is foolish to put off the inevitable by listening to liberal nonsense about so-called greenhouse gases and the reputed DOWN SIDE OF WARS. 

 The only thing keeping this country afloat today is that we have an invisible friend on our side who is more powerful and diabolical than this Mohammed fellow.  To put it into plain English here folks, it’s the year 2002 –  

AND THE ENTIRE WORLD IS STILL AT WAR OVER WHO HAS THE MOST POWERFUL INVISIBLE FRIEND!      

Well, Mr. Allah – my invisible friend’s name is Jesus and he’s gonna TURN HIS OTHER CHEEK SO HARD HE BITCH-SLAPS YOU  FLAT ON YOUR BUTT! 

Friends, It’s all too clear that this nation was founded on the Bible and God – I am pleased to say that Thomas Jefferson is now in Hell for calling the Bible a "dunghill."  And John Adams is right there with him squatting on a pitchfork for signing the Treaty of Tripoli that provides in Article 11 "The Government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion"  

The anti-Christian prejudices of those sinners hold no sway against the power of modern Christians who have gotten together and decided we were founded as a Christian nation.  Because you don't need so-called facts when you have Jesus, my friends!  You can’t deny that when you understand that even the tax dollars of Atheists like you is helping the 700 Club stay on the air!  Praise! 

Folks, one thing I don’t understand is why you people are so afraid of Jesus putting the 10 Commandments into public buildings? That won’t affect atheists like you.  The 10 Commandments are mostly concerned with punishing people who picked the wrong God.  So if you haven’t picked a God yet, you’ve got nothing to worry about.  The first commandment teaches us that we are not supposed to have any other gods besides the God in the Holy Bible.   

See, a lot of folks don't believe there are other gods, but OUR GOD OBVIOUSLY DOES – OR HE WOULDN’T FEEL SO THREATENED BY THEM!   

FRIENDS, I DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE JUST STUCK ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!   I can’t stand THESE SISSY Christians who pick and choose what sort of laws they think that God wants them to follow.  Why not just take WHOLE BIBLE IN CONTEXT? – that way we could be stoning disobedient children in the public square, and burning witches like the True Christians who founded this country did!  

Folks, do you know that some ignorant folks often ask me why I feel the need to undermine other people's faith or lack thereof??  Well, in the words of Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, "As True Christians, we are called upon to marginalize other faiths or people with no faith and to scream "PERSECUTION!" when they rudely return the favor." 

AT THIS TIME I WANT ALL YOU GODLESS TRASH TO TAKE A MOMENT TO JOIN ME IN PRAYER.  While you bow your arrogant liberal heads and contemplate my imaginary friend who lives in the sky be sure to keep your eyes closed – CAUSE JESUS CAN SEE YOU PEEKIN’! 

Dear Lord, I am know that I am worthless and a constant source of irritation to you.  Thank you for not killing me today and flinging my limp corpse into the flames of the sadistic Hell you created. As a True Christian, I love you with all my heart, convenience permitting, and am only glad your nasty temper was not turned on me today.   

Lord Jesus, I know that your love is unconditional.  All you ask is that I do everything you demand – and flatter you regularly and without shame or regard to the mess you make of everything you try to create.    

Even though you made some noise about giving away all our possessions to the poor, please guide your Republican party to effect that which you most desire – tax cuts for folks rich enough to tithe.   

In this I pray,

Your humble servant, 

Oh, and while I have you, Jesus, I really want me one of them new Lexus two door automobiles.  So please call on me to withdraw sufficient funds from the tax-free coffers of Landover Baptist Church's offshore accounts so that you may bless me with the leather upgrade and onboard navigation.

 AMEN! 

Friends, remember - Salvation is nothing to be joked about!   God's free gift to those who accept it, is eternal life AND – this month only -- a free Digital phone, compliments of AT & T if you convert before the year 2003.  Please be sure to visit our church website at landoverbaptist.com for more details and wonderful holiday gift ideas for unsaved trash.

 THANK YOU!