|Alabama May Be the Champ,
But Colt McCoy is God's Winner!
and I are disappointed with this year’s college football results. We wanted
As True Christians, we know we are wretched, evil, despicable, depraved, horrendous beings who deserve to be unceremoniously flung into the fiery bowels of hell every single day of every single year. Why? Just for being human, which automatically makes us imperfect and bad. In fact, because we’re so disgusting, our only hope for heaven is to accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, to direct, govern, reign over and completely control every aspect of our otherwise worthless lives. God sent His only son to die an excruciating death on the cross for our sins. And had God, the Father, not engaged in this shocking act of filicide (which would be illegal if conducted in most countries today), we would all be destined to burn in the highest flames in excruciating agony for every second of every day for eternity, just for being human beings. (Now, those of you falling for the Satanic trap of thinking that we didn’t ask to be born and shouldn’t be punished for a condition we had no control over, are obviously not devout enough and are ordered to make an appointment with Mrs. Watkins immediately for private sessions with Pastor Deacon Fred for extensive, not to mention expensive, counseling.)
Colt McCoy, the UT quarterback (until his shoulder got
tired after a couple minutes of national championship play) and Tim Tebow (the
Now, don’t you dare question this. It is one of those “you just have to accept it by faith” thingies that Pastor Deacon Fred and I frequently identify in our sermons. Plus, Colt had an explanation for last night’s situation: his “shoulder injury” is part of God’s plan (whether that plan is for him, the world, college football or just some chiropractor in the southwest side of Austin is unclear).
We all know the Lord doesn’t root for one team over another
(unless we’re talking about Christians over Muslims). The Lord didn’t favor UT
any event, now that the season is over, I will strongly encourage Messrs. McCoy
and Tebow to enter Mrs. Betty
Bowers’ “Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals” (BASH) Ministry for preventative
treatment. Let’s face it: as much as we love him, McCoy is not the bastion of
masculinity. In fact, he looks like an alter boy ripe for the picking. His
effeminate voice and “on the verge of tears” demeanor make him prime prey for
pedophilic sodomites. (That is, assuming his
Let us pray that both boys continue blindly thanking the Lord, even after they enter the far more complex playmaking of the professional league. And let us pray that BASH can inject a strong dose of masculinity into their otherwise nellie lives. The docility that comes with being a Christian need not translate into being a damned homo.