Sermon
January 2010 by
Brother Harry Hardwick

God and I are disappointed with this year’s college football results. We wanted Florida to win the SEC championship and Texas to win the national championship. Why? Because their top players flattered Jesus incessantly after all their teams’ victories. You would expect the players of the University of Alabama, a state rife with devout fundamentalists, hooded or otherwise, to do the same, but nooooo. They gave the glory to their teammates and coaches. They failed to acknowledge the only entity who deserves credit for any of our achievements of any kind whatsoever in this mortal life – the Lord Jesus Christ.

As True Christians, we know we are wretched, evil, despicable, depraved, horrendous beings who deserve to be unceremoniously flung into the fiery bowels of hell every single day of every single year. Why? Just for being human, which automatically makes us imperfect and bad. In fact, because we’re so disgusting, our only hope for heaven is to accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, to direct, govern, reign over and completely control every aspect of our otherwise worthless lives. God sent His only son to die an excruciating death on the cross for our sins. And had God, the Father, not engaged in this shocking act of filicide (which would be illegal if conducted in most countries today), we would all be destined to burn in the highest flames in excruciating agony for every second of every day for eternity, just for being human beings. (Now, those of you falling for the Satanic trap of thinking that we didn’t ask to be born and shouldn’t be punished for a condition we had no control over, are obviously not devout enough and are ordered to make an appointment with Mrs. Watkins immediately for private sessions with Pastor Deacon Fred for extensive, not to mention expensive, counseling.)

Colt McCoy, the UT quarterback (until his shoulder got tired after a couple minutes of national championship play) and Tim Tebow (the Florida quarterback who seemed to play better with every preceding game) both recognized they are utter trash, worthy of nothing whatsoever. Everything they have achieved has absolutely nothing to do with them or their wretchedness and everything to do with God’s whimsical (and rather fickle) love of people, including football players (and, apparently, some more than others). They gave Jesus the glory for every victory their teams ever had. Of course, they never blamed Jesus for any of their teams’ losses because they realized that everything good that happens to humans comes from the Lord, whereas everything bad that happens to us comes from us.  We do nothing right (good acts are all the Lord’s). But we do everything badly. So, the Lord had everything to do with this year’s victories and nothing to do with last year’s Texas Tech loss. As it turns out, the Lord is undefeated!

Now, don’t you dare question this. It is one of those “you just have to accept it by faith” thingies that Pastor Deacon Fred and I frequently identify in our sermons. Plus, Colt had an explanation for last night’s situation: his “shoulder injury” is part of God’s plan (whether that plan is for him, the world, college football or just some chiropractor in the southwest side of Austin is unclear).

We all know the Lord doesn’t root for one team over another (unless we’re talking about Christians over Muslims). The Lord didn’t favor UT or Florida over other teams (obviously). And Colt and Tim weren’t thanking the Lord for ensuring victory. They were thanking the Lord for answering their prayers to help them play as well as they could. Of course, the teams on the other side undoubtedly had evangelical Christians praying for Jesus to help them play as well as they could. So, God-inspired victories must be for the teams that have the most Christians playing for them. College and professional agents alike would be wise to emphasize this feature, when their clients profess to be Christian.

In any event, now that the season is over, I will strongly encourage Messrs. McCoy and Tebow to enter Mrs. Betty Bowers’ “Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals” (BASH) Ministry for preventative treatment. Let’s face it: as much as we love him, McCoy is not the bastion of masculinity. In fact, he looks like an alter boy ripe for the picking. His effeminate voice and “on the verge of tears” demeanor make him prime prey for pedophilic sodomites. (That is, assuming his nancy boy roommate, Jordan Shipley, hasn’t already turned him to the dark side.) Tebow may be a lost cause. Frankly, he looks like a she-male, preparing to toss pink tulips onto the dance floor at Gainesville’s lone drag club. He bawled so badly after losing to Alabama that his tears smeared the Bible citations etched into his eye paint. That’s hardly giving the Lord His due. But hey, many of our most devout male followers have similar vulnerabilities. We persevered through the Promise Keepers crisis, and we can make it through this.

Let us pray that both boys continue blindly thanking the Lord, even after they enter the far more complex playmaking of the professional league.  And let us pray that BASH can inject a strong dose of masculinity into their otherwise nellie lives.  The docility that comes with being a Christian need not translate into being a damned homo.

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