August 2008

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Landover Baptist Ladies Club Takes a Stand Against Vile Language


The Landover Baptist Ladies ClubFreehold, Iowa - Earlier this month, the Landover Ladies Club expelled ten of their own members caught using vile language. "In some cases, these ladies were gossiping in public, and in others, texting nasty messages on their Blackberry's during church services," said Ladies of Landover treasurer, Mrs. Sarah Smith. "We all had a good belly-laugh at the texters who must have been too busy figuring out new ways to take the Lord's name in vain to read the bulletin about the new network monitoring system installed throughout the church campus.  Network Security did half the work as they intercepted suspicious text messages for us to review. As for the others caught backsliding in public - we did our duty as True Christian™ ladies and happily turned the harlots in to church authorities."

The Landover Baptist Sin Patrol removed each backslider from their (soon to be) former Christian home - in some cases with extreme force.  They were brought before the Baptist Ladies' review board, confronted with the evidence, admitted their guilt, and were told they had 24-hours to gather their belongings and leave the Landover Baptist Church community.

 "Christian women are called by God to clean their homes, bear children, fix meals for the family, and ensure that their husbands' shirts are medium starched," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "It appears that some of our ladies are squatting their rumps down in front of the TV to watch filthy soap operas instead of performing their Biblically mandated duties to their Christian husbands!  I can't think of any other place where they would learn to spew such vile, trashy filth!

"We will display the name of each former church member along with a description of their horrible offence for the whole internets to see!" said Pastor Deacon Fred.  "This is a public service, like one of those sex pervert sites put up by the police to warn folks they have suspect characters moving into in their neighborhoods." 

Offensive Comments Leading to Expulsion

The following remarks contain euphemisms for blasphemy that are inappropriate for little Christian ears

------- / landover baptist network communications monitoring log /--------- data feed 0708 -

FROM: Sister June Gordon

SPOKEN: 11:00 A.M June 2, 2008:  "I hope that Pentecostal slut gets raped by a pack of Goddamn NIGGERS!"    

OFFENSE: Although Sister Gordon was distraught over having to wait for nearly 10-minutes in the grocery store checkout lane, it was no excuse for her to take the Lord's name in vain.

FROM: Heaven4Me

SENT: 10:05:56 June 22, 2008: "Mollie --- I couldn't have said it better myself!  Just look at that stupid jewface up there acting all better than everyone just cause Pastor is letting that tin-ear hebe sing(?) the solo!  She may think shes a Baptist but she'll always be just another GD KIKE to me!!!!!" 

OFFENSE: "GD"  Disguising blasphemy by using coy acronyms doesn't follow the Lord's Protocol -- or Landover Communications Monitoring for that matter!

FROM: Miss Patsy Alamo

SPOKEN: 3:30 P.M. June 12, 2008:  "Jiminy Cricket, the Pair-of-Dice Motel out by Rothschild farm is absolutely crawling with wetbacks! It's like an ant farm for filthy spics!" 

OFFENSE: Miss Alamo was rebuked for shamelessly employing the expression "Jiminy C_____" which is a well known play on the name of our precious Savior, "Jesus Christian" (later shortened to "Christ").  "I don't care if you say Gosh or God, Darn or Damn, Cheese and Crackers or Jesus Christ," said a clearly annoyed Pastor, "blasphemy is blasphemy no matter how hard you disguise it or gussy it up to sound cute.  And we don't stand for trashy talk anymore than we stand for trashy women in this Christian community!"

FROM:  GodzGirl

SENT:  10:06:17 June 22, 2008:   "I was fixing to say the same thing!!!!  I caught a whiff of Donna when she passed -- doing that showoffy altar call she always does.  I almost tripped the stupid C.U.N.T. She can wear all the perfume in the drug store and she'll still smell like the crack of an arab's asshole!!!"

OFFENCE:  Blaspheming by mocking the spelling of "God's" in user name

FROM:  InHizName

SENT:  10:07:43 June 22, 2008:  "Inez -- U all but owe me a new Blackberry!!!!! ;) I almost vomited a spanish omelet when you forwarded that nasty pic of June with her ugly face splattered with a quart of nignog pole juice!!!!!!  Where was that photo taken?  That bedspread is about the ugliest dang thing I've ever seen!!!! LOL" -- Wanda Gherkin

OFFENSE:  Using "D-ng"  A blasphemy is never permitted, but it is particularly unsuitable for conversation in church.

FROM:  Pray4Troopz

SENT:  10:12:07 June 22, 2008:  "You got that right darlin!!!!! LOL If Pastor gets any fatter, they are gonna have to remove a couple rows of pews up front!!!!! LOL"

OFFENSE: [Reason is confidential]

FROM:  JCRulz022267

SENT:  10:12:07 June 22, 2008:  "Ben Goin to target practice after church, meet at Dennys Rte 4 as usual. I can sml you, mmm... nice. Skipping McCain thing on Monday.  U too?"

OFFENSE: Abbreviation of Jesus Christ into ghetto "JC" in user name is unacceptable.  Glorifying the skipping of any event to promote a Republican candidate is grounds for dismissal.  Receiver of message also under investigation.

FROM:  GodIsLove 

SENT:  10:28:42 June 22, 2008: "Holy crap!!!  I'll tell you what -- if that little slut was my daughter I wouldn't put up with that FOR ONE SECOND.   Just yank her by the elbow and say, "If you tell one more living soul that your Daddy is diddling your little lady parts, you ain't gonna have no lady parts to worry about, you little chatterbox tramp!"  That should put a stop to that blabbermouth harlot ruining your Christian name in town right fast!"  

OFFENCE: Crudely referring to the Lord's holy, fragrant excrement is inconsistent with Traditional Family Values. 

FROM: SISTRMacelWilkins

SENT: 10:55:27 June 14, 2008:  "Ed got 4 Wiccan kds chnd to bsmt furnace, I thk 1 is dead. Cheese and Rice!  Wish h'd chuck em all into furnace & be done w/it. Screams kpng me up all night!!!!"

OFFENSE: "Cheese and Rice" is another creative way to take Jesus Christ's name in vain. Wiccan situation is excellent and husband is receiving funds from church for his ministry.  Expel Macel Wilkins immediately and move Brother Wilkins to the top 10 prayer requests to find a new wife.

FROM:  Saved4Ever

SENT:  10:18:02 June 22, 2008:   "Did you see Jolene McCoy's weird little walk down the aisle a minute ago?  What the heck was that all about?  I bet you dollars to donuts that nasty whore took Ben's reportedly H-U-G-E jonnie up the butthole!  Probably in the car on the way over here!!! LOL  Anyhow, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!! ;)  Pass this e-mail on to TEN people in your address book or Jesus will kill one of your grandbabies."

OFFENCE:  A True Christian™ speaks words that reflect well on Christ.  "Heck" is not one of them.






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