Focus on the Pharisee
A beginner's guide to understanding how American Christians
interpret the New Testament! You might be a practicing Christian and not
even know it!
Iowa - While all True Christians™ applaud James Dobson’s efforts to
keep that upstart Borat Osama as far from the Oval Office as his ancestors
were from a Selma drinking fountain, we find his methods a bit
disconcerting. Doctor Dobson attacked the colored candidate for quoting from the Old
Testament instead of the New Testament. But as Fundamentalist Evangelical
Christian Republicans, we’ve never been that big on the New Testament, which
is loaded with all those inconvenient “truths” about caring for others and
forgiving our enemies. In fact, the only New Testament verse we’ve ever had
much use for is John 3:16 that merely requires us to give five or 10 seconds
of our lives for eternal bliss, no matter how despicable our personas and
actions. And politically, the GOP (God’s Own Party) has traditionally
favored the fire and brimstone of the old book over the rather socialist
leanings of the newer release. Lest Dobson has forgotten, let us remind him
of just a handful of differences between fundamentalist thinking and Jesus’
Brother Harry Hardwick's Handy Guide to Distinguishing Jesus'
Missteps from True Christianity:
New Testament Says
Evangelical Republicans Say
in private, not in public for the world to see.
“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the
hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and
in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily
I say unto you, they have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest,
enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy
Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret
shall reward thee openly” (Matthew 6:5-6).
in public; the more who see you, the more profitable our tax-exempt
We ignore Jesus and seek to maximize public prayer. Closets are the
best place to store homos. We want our children praying in school
where their classmates can see them. We seek mandatory prayer at
athletic events, in government meetings and anywhere else two or
more are gathered. Our leader prays on his radio show, and we pray
in church whenever the TV cameras are rolling.
it comes to other people’s private lives, mind your own business!
“But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or
as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men’s
matters” (1 Peter 4:15).
Government should regulate every aspect of our private lives so
everyone conforms to our notion of morality.
We consider it our business to decide whom
people shall wed, whom people shall become intimate with and what
people shall read, say and do. People’s lives should be as we say
they should be.
Refrain from condemning or criticizing other people for things you
“There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and
to destroy: who are thou that judgest another” (James 4:12).
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a
stone” (John 8:7). “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1).
people don’t conform to your vision of right and wrong, call them
Look down on them and publicly scold them over their "sin," in a
voice that implies you have none of your own.
And then try to pass as many
ordinances, laws and constitutional amendments against them as you
is a sin, and no one sin is greater than any other
For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point,
he is guilty of all” (James 2:10).
worst sins are those WE don’t commit.
We can overlook men cheating on their taxes and
wives, getting divorces and mistresses, robbing
their employees of their
pension funds and their first wives of their youth, and becoming
gluttons who sleep with their children's friends, but intimacy
between two men is dastardly!
Reject the notion of an eye for an eye. If a man strikes you on one
cheek, turn the other to him.
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a
tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but
whoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other
also” (Matthew 5:38-39).
man strikes you on one cheek, fry both of his. We embrace “an eye
for an eye” regardless of what Jesus said.
This is one of many times the Old Testament
trumps the New Testament. After all, “an eye for an eye” is
practically our mantra. It was very short-sighted of Jesus to try to
take it away from us. Vengeance is our principal justification for
capital punishment. Without it, we might have to accept that
execution is wrong, as every other Western nation in the world has
let your actions be guided by vengeance.
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but
rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine;
I will repay, saith the Lord.
Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give
him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his
head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans
mantra IS vengeance.
We want to see every criminal get what he deserves.
That is why we think the Bill of Rights isn’t worth the
papyrus it was scrolled upon.
We can’t wait for the Lord to take care of those who wrong us.
We need bloodthirsty satisfaction now!
Vengeance is also now our Foreign Policy.
And sometimes we don't sit around waiting for anything to
avenge; we strike first!
is truth; do violence to no man.
“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be
called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9). “Then said Jesus unto
him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take
the sword shall perish with the sword” (Matthew 26:52). “And the
soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And
he said unto them, Do violence to no man” (Luke 3:14). “If it be
possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men”
is a viable, preferred option – even against those countries that
have not even attacked us.
In fact, we should wage war against all countries that insist on
believing things that are different than what we believe (unless
they possess weapons that could actually kill a lot of our soldiers
and thus our political aspirations) when politically advantageous to
the GOP, such as when a difficult election looms.
Be sure to take care of those most in need;
this is one of your greatest moral obligations.
“Then shall he say also unto them on the left
hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for
the devil and his angels.
For I was an hundred, and ye gave me not meat: I was thirsty,
and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in:
naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me
not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee
an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in
prison, and did not minister unto thee? then shall he answer them,
saying, Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye did it not to one of
the least of these, ye did it not to me (Matthew 25:41-15). “Jesus
said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast,
and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and
come and follow me” (Matthew 19:21). “And now abideth faith, hope,
charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1
Ignore those lazy poor people, who refuse to take care of
We’re perfectly happy for our government to
spend a trillion dollars on an unwinnable war that was without
justification from the start, but we oppose spending one dime on a
bunch of good-for-nothing preschool bums without food or health
insurance who lack the wherewithal to become rich, themselves.
threw the money changers out of the temple.
“And they came to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and
began to cast them out that sold and bought in the temple, and
overthrew the tables of the moneychangers” (E.g., Mark 11:15).
seek to provide a temple for every money changer.
We dare you to go sashaying through America's most important
temples, the Federal Reserve, without an appointment today.
See how many desks you kick over before you're handcuffed and
shoved into the back of a squad car!
We support anything to make the rich richer, and to make
rich, tax-free fundamentalist ministries, the richest of all!
Also - Remember to stop by our church book store before services, to
purchase some handy trinkets!
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