June 2009

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Why is Michelle Obama So Pretty, When Most Colored Women Are So Ugly?

Dear Pastor,

Why is Michelle Obama So Pretty, When Most Colored Women Are So Ugly?I am from the 6th grade and attend a secular school in Freehold, Iowa. Our family are members of Landover Baptist, so I get persecuted on a daily basis. I am forced to sit in classrooms with minorities. We have Orientals, Coloreds, and several Mexicans. I even sit next to a Negro girl in 5th period!

My teacher, Mrs. Bennings has a picture of Michelle Obama on her wall, and the black girls bow to it and cross themselves before class each day.  I admit that it is a very pretty photo, and can see why the colored girls want to look like her because they are all so ugly.   I think Michelle Obama is very pretty except that her teeth are very big and don't seem to fit right into her little mouth.  Maybe she has too many teeth, and that is why there is also something weird going on with her chin and cheek bones.

Pastor, I've seen lots of black women before, and they are all ugly. My Dad traveled to Des Moines once and saw even more!  He says the the ugliest one still by far is Shwanda, our cleaning lady. So, I asked my parents about why Michelle Obama is so pretty when most colored women are so ugly. My parents got into a big arguement and sent me to my room. Later that night, when they came to say bed-time prayers with me, they told me that "Michelle Obama isn't pretty at all, and that I shouldn't go around saying things like that, now bow your head and shut your eyes and ask Jesus to forgive you."

Pastor, please don't tell my parents, but I am still struggling with this whole thing. I think Michelle Obama is pretty, and it seems most people do. How can Michelle Obama be so pretty when most colored women are so ugly?

Royce Deterding
Age 12
Freehold Secular Elementary School, Freehold, Iowa

Dear Royce,

God bless you boy, and thank you so much for your question. 

Son, in order to understand why lots of normal folks find the First Lady, Michelle Obama attractive, you need to dig up some of the dirt under her Family Weeds.  She doesn't have a Family Tree, like you and me.  And you'll see why, shortly.

Royce, Michelle's last name is "Robinson." And if you go back a generation or two, you will find that the Robinsons were white folks.  Just as white as you and me! The Robinson family had a reputation for sluttery. By this, I mean the sons, daughters, fathers and mothers long before Michelle Robinson was born were sleeping around with other races, mostly their hired help.   The woman you find so attractive, Michelle Obama, is only thus because she is the by-product of sinful inter-race mingling.

So, Royce - understand the reason why so many folks find Michelle Obama pretty while they wouldn't bat an eye at any other colored gal, is because the First Lady has a lot of white in her. But as you noted, some things are a little off - like the size of her teeth, and her chin and jaw-line are askew. Her legs also look like something out of a Ritchy Rich comic book, but thank Jesus your precious eyes have been saved from seeing those!  These slightly deformed features peppered upon the flesh and bones of who out of obligation to the Nation we call, "The First Lady," were put there by God to remind True Christians™ that Michelle Obama is the by-product of sinful relations.  Relations Scripture refers to as, "unequal yoking."

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hat righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light (white) with darkness? (black)"
  II Corinthians 6:14

I pray sincerely as an ordained minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I have helped you understand how to think correctly.

Pastor Deacon Fred
Landover Baptist Church

PS:  Please note that under Landover Baptist Church Regulation 22b-17 of the Child Rearing Bylaw, I called your parents immediately after receiving your letter. They will be taking out a third mortgage on their home this summer and you will be transferred out of that godless secular school into the Landover Baptist Academy next Fall.




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