Freehold Iowa Moves Quickly to Have Hogs and
Day Laborers Put Down!
MEXICAN SWINE FLU - REGIONAL ALERT!
News Alert - Panic spread across
Freehold Iowa earlier this week after town council members ordered local
police officers to arrest all day laborers and immediately deliver
them to an emergency holding farm constructed on a 5-acre clearing at the
end of an old logging road that leads into the abandoned Landover salt
mines. The council also demanded that all local hog farmers round up their
livestock with curly tails and deliver them to the same location at their
earliest convenience, but no later than next Saturday.
Town Council President, Pastor Deacon Fred
delivered the following announcement during the Wednesday evening service at Landover Baptist Church:
"Some of you folks are gonna have to part with your Mexican maids, gardeners
and toilet scrubbers. Others will see
a strain on their businesses, having to pay the socialist minimum wage until
suitable substitutes can be smuggled into the county. You might have to
settle with hiring an Oriental or two to paint your Baptist homes, do the
landscaping or help your children lay railroad lines for their toy train
sets. At least until the Lord's temper tantrum and subsequent killing spree
is over. Seems God is mighty upset over all the Mary Worshipping
and outsourced meth-making going on down in
land. In fact, He is so darn p.o.'ed that He slapped together a new
virus, as is His wont since plagues always have proved to be wonderfully
successful! Glory!" Pastor Deacon Fred continued,
"When will the Catholics ever learn that Jesus likes to be the center of
attention and can't stomach folks who give His showboating, needy,
attention-whore momma more attention than Him? The gang-banging and
border hopping must have been the last straw for the Lord. Now half of Mexico is racing to gobble down
their last cocaine-laced pork tamale! And God hates folks who eat pork
unless they have found a crafty way to get around it with some nimble Bible
interpreting, like all real
Deacon Fred assured church members that the town
council is taking every step necessary to ensure that the Lord's mood swing
doesn't touch down in Freehold County, like it did in 1969 when He meant to
decimate a commune of naked, drugged-out hippies but missed and electrocuted
a bus full of school children instead. "We can tell God's aim is getting
worse and worse as the years go by because reports of this Mexican pig flu
are poppin' up all over the place! I mean, places that even mortals with a
map can tell ain't even
And with the marriage crazy homos in this state dipping and twirling
with their fancy prancin' through our cul-de-sacs to gloat about their
so-called 'marriages,' we need to move quicker than a shifty Negress at
Wal-Mart who spots a security guard at the end of the aisle!"
The Freehold Town Council assured residents that
day laborers would be put down in the most humane way possible. "But try as
we might to emulate the Lord in all things we do, we still can't bear to see
folks suffer the way God does," said one council member. "We're one step
ahead of the US Government on dealing with this so-called swine
pandemic and everyone knows the Feds will be doing the same thing we're
doing in counties across
in a few weeks. We just can't wait for that nit-wit, high-yellow Obama to
get off his tread-mill and address this emergency! We're jumping on this
right now because we've got our feet hot for Jesus!"
Pastor Deacon Fred explained to churchgoers that
the town council agreed that the most efficient way to protect Christian
citizens from the pig pandemic is to follow God's instructions in the Holy
Bible for ridding the world of filth. "God killed sinners in all sorts of
different ways, but time and time again - He always goes back to drowning,"
said Pastor. "He used the Great Flood, to slaughter everyone on the planet.
And His own Son, Jesus took a cue from his Daddy's most effective way to
kill when he sent a herd of demon possessed pigs off a cliff into a lake to
drown," he continued. "Call it a fetish. Call it waterboarding-gone-wild.
Whatever! I call
it effective! We
believe that by following God's tips from the Bible on how to drown
people and animals whom God can't stand will honor His Holy Name.
The only thing I worry about," Pastor continued, "is that Jesus will get
ticked off and say, 'they stole Our idea!"
Residents of Freehold Iowa are encouraged to bring
their children out to Landover
Lake on Saturday afternoon
when the hogs start arriving and are placed into the holding farm alongside
the Mexicans and dropped, one by one, into a 1,000 foot mine shaft out
by the salt pits. "When we're all done," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "the
volunteer fire department will flood the shaft with lake water, and we'll
gather round for a hymn sing! So please bring the whole family out for
an afternoon of Christian fellowship, an old fashioned non-pork barbecue,
and to see our new $800K Big Crane out at loading and dropping day laborers
and hogs into the mine shaft for the whole day! It will truly be a sight
to behold! And, on a
brighter note, folks in town will be happy to hear that all the ATMs in
Freehold will no longer pester everyone with that stupid, time-consuming
question about whether we speak Spanish!
Because starting Saturday, nobody in town will!"
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