MAY 2009

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Freehold Iowa Moves Quickly to Have Hogs and Day Laborers Put Down!


A Landover Baptist Senior High Student helps build public awareness by using his God given artistic giftIowa State News Alert  - Panic spread across Freehold Iowa earlier this week after town council members ordered local police officers to arrest all day laborers and immediately deliver them to an emergency holding farm constructed on a 5-acre clearing at the end of an old logging road that leads into the abandoned Landover salt mines. The council also demanded that all local hog farmers round up their livestock with curly tails and deliver them to the same location at their earliest convenience, but no later than next Saturday.

Town Council President, Pastor Deacon Fred delivered the following announcement during the Wednesday evening service at Landover Baptist Church: "Some of you folks are gonna have to part with your Mexican maids, gardeners and toilet scrubbers. Others will see a strain on their businesses, having to pay the socialist minimum wage until suitable substitutes can be smuggled into the county. You might have to settle with hiring an Oriental or two to paint your Baptist homes, do the landscaping or help your children lay railroad lines for their toy train sets. At least until the Lord's temper tantrum and subsequent killing spree is over.  Seems God is mighty upset over all the Mary Worshipping and outsourced meth-making going on down in Mexico land.  In fact, He is so darn p.o.'ed that He slapped together a new virus, as is His wont since plagues always have proved to be wonderfully successful! Glory!"  Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "When will the Catholics ever learn that Jesus likes to be the center of attention and can't stomach folks who give His showboating, needy, attention-whore momma more attention than Him?  The gang-banging and border hopping must have been the last straw for the Lord.  Now half of Mexico is racing to gobble down their last cocaine-laced pork tamale! And God hates folks who eat pork unless they have found a crafty way to get around it with some nimble Bible interpreting, like all real American Christians have!"

Deacon Fred assured church members that the town council is taking every step necessary to ensure that the Lord's mood swing doesn't touch down in Freehold County, like it did in 1969 when He meant to decimate a commune of naked, drugged-out hippies but missed and electrocuted a bus full of school children instead. "We can tell God's aim is getting worse and worse as the years go by because reports of this Mexican pig flu are poppin' up all over the place! I mean, places that even mortals with a map can tell ain't even Mexico!  And with the marriage crazy homos in this state dipping and twirling with their fancy prancin' through our cul-de-sacs to gloat about their so-called 'marriages,' we need to move quicker than a shifty Negress at Wal-Mart who spots a security guard at the end of the aisle!"

Day laborers and Swine in Iowa will be put down as the community takes precautions against the swine fluThe Freehold Town Council assured residents that day laborers would be put down in the most humane way possible. "But try as we might to emulate the Lord in all things we do, we still can't bear to see folks suffer the way God does," said one council member. "We're one step ahead of the US Government on dealing with this so-called swine pandemic and everyone knows the Feds will be doing the same thing we're doing in counties across America in a few weeks. We just can't wait for that nit-wit, high-yellow Obama to get off his tread-mill and address this emergency! We're jumping on this right now because we've got our feet hot for Jesus!"

Pastor Deacon Fred explained to churchgoers that the town council agreed that the most efficient way to protect Christian citizens from the pig pandemic is to follow God's instructions in the Holy Bible for ridding the world of filth. "God killed sinners in all sorts of different ways, but time and time again - He always goes back to drowning," said Pastor. "He used the Great Flood, to slaughter everyone on the planet. And His own Son, Jesus took a cue from his Daddy's most effective way to kill when he sent a herd of demon possessed pigs off a cliff into a lake to drown," he continued. "Call it a fetish. Call it waterboarding-gone-wild.  Whatever!  I call it effective!  We believe that by following God's tips from the Bible on how to drown people and animals whom God can't stand will honor His Holy Name.  The only thing I worry about," Pastor continued, "is that Jesus will get ticked off and say, 'they stole Our idea!"

Residents of Freehold Iowa are encouraged to bring their children out to Landover Lake on Saturday afternoon when the hogs start arriving and are placed into the holding farm alongside the Mexicans and dropped, one by one, into a 1,000 foot  mine shaft out by the salt pits. "When we're all done," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "the volunteer fire department will flood the shaft with lake water, and we'll gather round for a hymn sing!  So please bring the whole family out for an afternoon of Christian fellowship, an old fashioned non-pork barbecue, and to see our new $800K Big Crane out at loading and dropping day laborers and hogs into the mine shaft for the whole day! It will truly be a sight to behold!  And, on a brighter note, folks in town will be happy to hear that all the ATMs in Freehold will no longer pester everyone with that stupid, time-consuming question about whether we speak Spanish!  Because starting Saturday, nobody in town will!"  





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