January 2000

Thanks to the generosity of thousands of American Baptists, six year old Elian Gonzalez will soon be back to work in the picturesque sugar cane fields of Cuba.  Esteemed Baptist theologian Jerry Falwell told our next president George W. Bush, "We have got to send that little Cuban bastard back to that little rat-infested island. He must be allowed to fulfill his God ordained destiny by killing his daddy Fidel Castro."

In arguing that Elian Gonzalez must be sent back to Cuba immediately, Mr. Falwell warned: "Elian's our best hope of killing off that old commie. He may be only a little tyke but he's got what it takes. Elian sharpened his killing instincts by passing the time on that raft trip to Florida by chopping his mother into pieces with a coffee can and feeding her to sharks. Now, he needs to get back to Cuba to finish off the job. Praise the Lord!" Dr. Falwell was, of course, referring to the fact that Elian Gonzalez is the Cuban dictator's illegitimate child and that Elian used his "one call" from the INS, not to call an immigration attorney, but to make an 11 minute death threat against his father.

Pastor Ebeneezer Smith of Landover Baptist Church supports Dr. Falwell's Godly vision. "We set up a special 'Raft Repair Fund'" Smith related. "It's all well and good for the United States Government to tell him he has to go back to Cuba, but how is he supposed to do that?  Everyone knows them Cubans don't have pots to pee in and it is going to be mighty hard for him to Steal a raft while he is federal custody.  So Fundamentalist Baptists from Across this Godly land answered the call for Christian charity to help this little thug return to his homeland.  I tell you, it makes me proud to be a Baptist, cause money just poured in from all over.  As of today, we had over $78,000. Of that money, $7 has been used to patch up the raft that little scoundrel came here on.  The rest will go to the Bon Voyage party and miscellaneous spiritual expenses.  Praise sweet, sweet Jesus in Heaven! What a glorious effort this has been!  What a sense of community and Christian Charity we all feel - united together for this Godly cause to get rid of foreign trash from our shores."

The Communists (Cubans) who pretend to be American citizens in Miami spend their whole lives stealing and making "Loca" music to send money back to that pinko Fidel Castro. It is common knowledge that Fidel's ultimate goal is to take over the United States and make us all bend a knee to his idols, Mary and Stalin.  Landover Pastor Deacon Fred warned, "That is why they don't want little Elian to go back to Cuban, they know that God has called him to kill their commie hero! But what do you expect? Cubans are totally amoral people made crazy by tobacco. Remember that opera, Carmen?  That gal learned about sex by working in a Cuban cigar factory. She seduced more men than Satan.  It was not of God and neither are they.  Although the music was real pretty."

Speaking before the Senate Subcommittee on Foreign Vermin, America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, was emphatic. "It is hard to imagine a more toxic combination than Communism and Catholicism, so it is no wonder that the little boy is a unrepentant killer," said Mrs. Bowers, responding to friendly questioning from Senator Jesse Helms.  The entire Senate was impressed by the fact that every time Mrs. Bowers uttered the word "Cuban" she looked as if she had just had a can of spoiled tuna shoved under her nose.  "I am calling on Washington to allow Elian to return to Cuba on the raft my church has so generously repaired. Even if he doesn't follow through on his promise to kill his daddy, one less foreign person in God's country could never be regarded as a bad thing.  I mean, let's stop this ridiculous squabbling over whether he stays here or goes back to Cuba.  Arguing over who gets a Cuban is like arguing over who gets cancer."



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