January 2001







Last month, two of Landover's principal political action committees petitioned the Iowa state legislature to revamp the state's election code so all statewide elections are modeled after the Electoral College.  The impetus for the proposal came from the nation's recent Presidential election in which Godly George W. Bush was elected President despite the fact that heathen Al Gore received half a million more votes.  "God was telling us something," observed Pastor Deacon Fred during a press conference last Sunday.  "He was telling us that His will must prevail over something as innocuous as the will of the majority.  Gore's people keep emphasizing that he received five times as many votes as Kennedy did when he defeated Nixon in the nation's previously closest election.  But when the analysis is limited to the relevant votes those of True Saved Christians Bush won hands down.  Rest assured, it was God who kept the fingers of those Floridian Jews, Negroes, etc. from pushing those needles through the cards.  We'll probably never know why God didn't do the same for Nixon 40 years ago."

Under Landover's proposal, each Iowa township will receive at least two electoral votes with the remainder allocated based on factors such as per capita economic product and geographic size.  "For too long, our national and statewide elections have been decided by a single bloc of voters -- people living in Satanic cities -- simply because the vast majority of the population resides there," observed Landover pastor and financier, Brother Harry Hardwick.  "This is a slap in the face of God, country and morality.  Heathens flock to large cities so they can practice the debauchery of Sodom and Gomorrah.  And for this, we actually reward them by giving them control of our state's agenda.  This must be stopped, unless the End Times are, indeed, upon us."

A study of the new proposal commissioned by Brother Harry reveals that just over 20 percent of voters statewide could dictate future state results.  "The Founding Fathers, for all their faults, believed government policy was too important to be left to the ignorant and depraved masses.  They believed opinion leaders, namely, the elites, should control things.  Well, we're the elites, and rest assured, we'll get the votes we need!"

Pastor Deacon Fred was careful to clarify Brother Harry's statements by noting the policy will also ensure greater political access to the little people.  "Places like Jamestown, that spread for miles, will finally enter the limelight," he noted.  "Every Sunday, 15 of the town's 20 residents congregate at Farmer Brown's ranch for fellowship and lunch.  Presidential candidates will know they need Jamestown as much as Des Moines in order to carry the always important Iowa vote.  Father Brown has already agreed to set aside one Sunday in October, 2004 to allow the Republican Presidential candidate to speak before lunch and the Democratic candidate to speak to whomever remains after dessert."  Brother Harry was quick to add, "That's a pretty mixed county, but Old Man Tidwell and his grown sons should be enough to tip the vote."

As always, secular reporters were quick to criticize the proposal.  Their attacks began at an awards banquet held in Miami last Saturday evening in which Landover Lady and America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, presented special awards to the gals in her national Bringing Integrity to Christian Homemakers ministry for their loyal service as poll workers in Florida's Miami-Dade County.  The awards were given to the ladies who went that extra mile for Jesus by giving literacy tests to people of alarmingly dark complexions.  "It is sad how few of those would-be voters were actually able to translate 37 verses from the King James back into the original 
Greek," she noted. " What is even sadder is how angry some of them became when my girls demanded a photo I.D., birth certificate and original Social Security card.  For goodness sake, we're talking about Florida.  We had no way of knowing whether they were actually citizens or had just stepped off a raft from Haiti."  After each lady had received a certificate of accommodation signed by Katherine Harris, reporters flooded Mrs. Bowers with a barrage of questions about Landover's petition.  Mrs. Bowers waved aside the questions.  "This policy will allow us to screen votes more carefully.  Determining whose votes should count in a town of a hundred citizens can be done far more strategically than merely examining hanging chads from thousands of nameless pieces of paper."


 

 






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