January 2002

Pastor Counsels President On Alcohol Problem

WASHINGTON DC - - At the request of First Lady, Laura Bush, Pastor Deacon Fred of Landover Baptist Church has agreed to counsel President George W. Bush on his lifelong, unfortunate abuse of alcohol which has recently become so great that it caused him to lose consciousness, fall to the ground and cut open his face in the White House last Sunday. So shocked were Presidential advisers by the severity of the problem that they were unable to create a plausible explanation for the passing-out episode on the spur of the moment. The official explanation was, incredibly, that the President choked on a pretzel while watching football alone in a White House room.

“It is unfortunate that this problem could affect such a great man,” noted Deacon Fred. “Those of us in the know have recognized that Mr. Bush was still drinking even before he became President. One look at video of him during the Florida recount vote made that clear. Even Santa Claus doesn’t have cheeks as red as his. But we had hoped his advisers would get a handle on the problem and see that he experienced some Christian counseling. At the very least, they should have been able to come up with a better excuse for his passing out than choking on a damned pretzel! Do they think their fellow American's are idiots? We all know Mr. Bush was watching football alone because he has deceived himself into thinking that if he drinks alone, no one will know. This is an unfortunate pattern of alcoholic deception.”

“I really don’t know what all the hullabaloo is about,” observed America’s Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, a frequent adviser to political figures and close confidante of Mrs. Bush. “As I told Laura, all intelligent people know George never gave up alcohol. We certainly wouldn’t have voted for a man who slaughters syntax, forgets names and events and speaks like a pupil of a Learning Disability Center if we thought he was doing so while sober. Fortunately, as President, he is driven in limousines so there’s little chance of any more drunk driving incidents. But I do hope the kitchen help waters down his drinks when he’s making decisions about how much bombing to undertake abroad.”

“I sincerely hope the media doesn’t blow this out of proportion,” observed Church Spokesman, Brother Harry Hardwick. “Even the most devout of Christians can sometimes fall from grace. Whether it’s Jimmy Swaggert with his hookers, Jim and Tammy Faye with their embezzlement, Falwell with . . . well, there’s too much to name. The bottom line is that all great Christians, especially our President, should be forgiven for modest mistakes like drinking themselves into oblivion. I mean, it’s not like he engaged in homosexual conduct.”

Deacon Fred plans to minister to the President every Tuesday and Friday evening beginning next week. He will carry his portfolio of the many pictures of Hell on each visit



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