Federal Government Enlists Southern Baptist Pastors to Assist with Racial Profiling!

FREEHOLD IA - The United States Federal Government is calling on Southern Baptist Pastors to offer up their expertise in racial profiling.  As millions of Americans turn to God for answers in a time of national hysteria, the Federal Government is uncovering a True Christian®  army of experienced racial profilers in the pews of Fundamentalist Baptist Churches across the country.  Pastors are eager to offer their support in the war on terror. After a little "I told you so," they are stepping up to teach profiling classes, and raise the funds necessary through the support of conservative talk show hosts, to create a nationwide advertising campaign on the merits of racial profiling.

Local Racial Profiling Success Stories:

Omar Badrif - At Landover's urging, Freehold police incinerated the Quik Stop convenience store on F.M. 1625 last Tuesday night.  Church officials had presented police with conclusive evidence that the owner, Omar Badrif, had once met the third cousin of a man whose sister married a banker who worked at an S&L that provided a checking account to the chauffeur of an acquaintance of an Al Qaeda operative.  In defending the action without a court order, Sergeant McCarthy noted, "We can't wait around for Due Process when our very survival is at stake."

Toby "Uncle Remus" Jefferson - Freehold police arrested this so-called Black Panther Muslim (who has been under surveillance for nearly 25-years) when they discovered he discarded an American flag sticker that a co-worker had given to him. It was also discovered that  Jefferson's own mother refers to her son as, "High Yellow," which authorities believe to be a possible code name related to a Des Moines mosk where someone knew somebody who knew someone else who knew someone who might have been related to a person who bumped into another person who let someone who might have been related to an Al Qaeda operative borrow some change to use a pay phone. Mr. Jefferson is being held without bond in Freehold, Iowa county jail until his hearing in January 2015.

Chief Hump-a-Squaw - "We always wanted to get our hands on an Injun," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "and our prayers have finally been answered." Hump-a-Squaw, a liberal activist in the local American Indian community was arrested on Thursday evening for saying "Hang in there buddy," to a suspicious looking Des Moines cab driver.  It was later found that the cab driver had what sounded like a middle-eastern accent, and was purposefully being kind and profiling white Americans to avoid possible suspicion with what might be his relation to someone who might know someone who is related to or knows someone else who might know something about Al Qaeda operatives in America. 

Landover Baptist Pastor Deacon Fred Praised By Former President, George W. Bush

Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred was one of the first pastors to be enlisted by the Federal government's Racial Profiling Division.  "I knew G.W. was gonna call on us," he told church members after receiving a personal phone call from Sean Hannity who had the former President on the other line. "When GW spoke to our kindergarteners here last year, I told him that his daughter Jenna was unsaved. He didn't seem surprised, but he asked me how I knew.  I told him that I can tell just by looking at a person whether or not they is saved. I related to the President that it's even easier to spot a terrorist. Why, Christians have been pointing out these sorts of things for hundreds of years, how do you think the founding fathers knew who would make the best slaves?" After swapping a few old lynching stories, Pastor informed the President that he would be more than happy to help. He even offered to make a few phone calls to some pastors in Alabama who could be in Washington the next day. "This Nation is in a sad state of affairs," Deacon Fred told the congregation, "when there are folks running around out there who can't even tell the difference between black and white!" 



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