WAR ON TERROR:
Federal Government Enlists Southern Baptist Pastors to Assist with Racial Profiling!
FREEHOLD IA - The United States Federal Government is calling on Southern Baptist Pastors to offer up their expertise in racial profiling. As millions of Americans turn to God for answers in a time of national hysteria, the Federal Government is uncovering a True Christian® army of experienced racial profilers in the pews of Fundamentalist Baptist Churches across the country. Pastors are eager to offer their support in the war on terror. After a little "I told you so," they are stepping up to teach profiling classes, and raise the funds necessary through the support of conservative talk show hosts, to create a nationwide advertising campaign on the merits of racial profiling.
Local Racial Profiling Success Stories:
Omar Badrif - At Landover's urging, Freehold police incinerated the Quik Stop convenience store on F.M. 1625 last Tuesday night. Church officials had presented police with conclusive evidence that the owner, Omar Badrif, had once met the third cousin of a man whose sister married a banker who worked at an S&L that provided a checking account to the chauffeur of an acquaintance of an Al Qaeda operative. In defending the action without a court order, Sergeant McCarthy noted, "We can't wait around for Due Process when our very survival is at stake."
Toby "Uncle Remus" Jefferson - Freehold police arrested this so-called Black Panther Muslim (who has been under surveillance for nearly 25-years) when they discovered he discarded an American flag sticker that a co-worker had given to him. It was also discovered that Jefferson's own mother refers to her son as, "High Yellow," which authorities believe to be a possible code name related to a Des Moines mosk where someone knew somebody who knew someone else who knew someone who might have been related to a person who bumped into another person who let someone who might have been related to an Al Qaeda operative borrow some change to use a pay phone. Mr. Jefferson is being held without bond in Freehold, Iowa county jail until his hearing in January 2015.
Hump-a-Squaw - "We always wanted to get our hands on an Injun,"
said Pastor Deacon Fred, "and our prayers have finally been answered."
Hump-a-Squaw, a liberal activist in the local American Indian community
was arrested on Thursday evening for saying "Hang in there buddy," to a
suspicious looking Des Moines cab driver. It was later found that
the cab driver had what sounded like a middle-eastern accent, and was purposefully
being kind and profiling white Americans to avoid possible suspicion with
what might be his relation to someone who might know someone who is related
to or knows someone else who might know something about Al Qaeda operatives
Landover Baptist Pastor Deacon Fred Praised By Former President, George W. Bush
Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred was one of the first pastors to
be enlisted by the Federal government's Racial Profiling Division.
"I knew G.W. was gonna call on us," he told church members after
receiving a personal phone call from Sean Hannity who had the former President
on the other line. "When GW spoke to our kindergarteners here
last year, I told him that his daughter
Jenna was unsaved. He didn't seem surprised, but he asked me how I knew.
I told him that I can tell just by looking at a person whether or not they
is saved. I related to the President that it's even easier to spot a terrorist.
Why, Christians have been pointing out these sorts of things for hundreds
of years, how do you think the founding fathers knew who would make the
best slaves?" After swapping a few old lynching stories, Pastor informed
the President that he would be more than happy to help. He even offered
to make a few phone calls to some pastors in Alabama who could be in Washington
the next day. "This Nation is in a sad state of affairs," Deacon Fred told
the congregation, "when there are folks running around out there who
can't even tell the difference between black and white!"
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone unsaved or under 18