January 2004

Christian Children: Report Your Unsaved Parents to the Federal Government!

Department of Justice Action Alert: Report Demonic Activity In Your Home!

Kids, thanks to our anointed President, George W. Bush, and his tongue-talking Attorney General, John Ashcroft, it is now easier than ever for Christian children like you to turn your unsaved parents in to Federal authorities.  You've seen the road signs, "Report Suspicious Behavior," and you've heard your Mommy and Daddy whispering about how nervous that makes them.  Well, now you can do something about it!  We thought this day would never come, but it has!  Glory to God!

In conjunction with the White House's Eagle Eyes Program for kids across America who want to be Patriots in Action, Landover Baptist's "Little Ears Ministry" is providing you with an important list of signs that your parents secretly hate, not only America, but Jesus Christ, Church, Capitalism, the Republican Party and, most likely, even YOU!  It is your duty as an American citizen and a child of God to report your parents to the government when you believe they are engaging in almost suspicious behavior.  It is real easy to do, too!  Just call the TIPS line and tell the Christian operator on the other end of the phone what your parents are thinking about!   And remember the Tot Tips number the operator gives you so that you can redeem valuable execution prizes.  

Signs That Your Parents Are Engaging
In Suspicious Thoughts or Activity

· Your parents mention people or foreign countries whose names you cannot pronounce.  This is VERY suspicious!

· Your parents drink coffee in the morning, possibly because they have been up all night making pipe bombs while you were sleeping, drop you off for Sunday School dressed in their pajamas and pick you up an hour later.  This is VERY suspicious!

· Your parents show an abnormal interest in gathering intelligence – like reading sensationalistic anti-American reports such as Chinese People’s Daily, the New York Times and the Washington Post.

· Your parents are out too late at night, and when you ask them where they were, they just laugh or tell you to mind your own business.  

· Your parents don't allow you to play some video games, claiming they are “too violent,” which is their sinful way of mocking the Book of Revelation.

· When you tell your parents that anyone who doesn't believe that Jesus is the Son of God is going to burn in hell, they tell you to be more “tolerant” of other religions. This is VERY suspicious!  "Tolerant" is code for turning Christ-loving children like you into godless (people who spit at Jesus) homosexuals (people who put your pee-pee in their hiney) communists (people who put your blessings in their own pockets)

· Your Parents try to get you to read Harry Potter Books.  This is VERY suspicious!  Your parents are trying to get you to learn how to be a witch.  This is an almost certain sign that they are witches – and since many witch spells call for parts of little children, you (or most of you) is in peril.

· Your parents laugh when President Bush slurs his words after two glasses of his unfermented beverage or gets defensive, snippy or says something they call, "a malapropism," on television.  This is VERY suspicious!

· Your parents use words like, "no," "not found," "where," "what," "whose," or "America's" when they talk about "weapons of mass destruction."  This is VERY suspicious!  

· Your parents catch you masturbating (that means playing with your tally-wacker if you are a boy, or hooch hole, if you are a girl or postoperative transgender) and they tell you - "that's okay, I used to do the same thing when I was your age."  This is VERY suspicious!

· You find a copy of the Koran (sometimes called the Quo'ran - or "The Satanic Bible") in your house.  Oh boy, is this ever suspicious!




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