Christian Children: Report
Your Unsaved Parents to the Federal Government!
of Justice Action Alert: Report Demonic Activity In Your
Kids, thanks to our anointed President, George W.
Bush, and his tongue-talking Attorney General, John Ashcroft,
it is now easier than ever for Christian children like you
to turn your unsaved parents in to Federal authorities.
You've seen the road signs, "Report Suspicious
Behavior," and you've heard your Mommy and Daddy
whispering about how nervous that makes them. Well,
now you can do something about it! We thought this day
would never come, but it has! Glory to God!
In conjunction with the White
House's Eagle Eyes Program for kids across America who
want to be Patriots in Action, Landover Baptist's
"Little Ears Ministry" is providing you with an
important list of signs that your parents secretly hate, not
only America, but Jesus Christ, Church, Capitalism, the
Republican Party and, most likely, even YOU! It is your
duty as an American citizen and a child of God to report
your parents to the government when you believe they are
engaging in almost suspicious behavior. It is real
easy to do, too! Just call the TIPS line and tell the
Christian operator on the other end of the phone what your
parents are thinking about!
And remember the Tot Tips number the operator gives
you so that you can redeem valuable execution prizes.
That Your Parents Are Engaging
In Suspicious Thoughts or Activity
· Your parents mention
people or foreign countries whose names you cannot
pronounce. This is VERY suspicious!
· Your parents drink
coffee in the morning, possibly because they have been up
all night making pipe bombs while you were sleeping, drop
you off for Sunday School dressed in their pajamas and
pick you up an hour later. This is VERY suspicious!
· Your parents show an
abnormal interest in gathering intelligence – like
reading sensationalistic anti-American reports such as
Chinese People’s Daily, the New York Times and the
· Your parents are out
too late at night, and when you ask them where they were,
they just laugh or tell you to mind your own business.
· Your parents don't
allow you to play some video
games, claiming they are “too violent,” which is
their sinful way of mocking the Book of Revelation.
· When you tell your
parents that anyone who doesn't believe that Jesus is the
Son of God is going to burn in hell, they tell you to be
more “tolerant” of other religions. This is VERY
suspicious! "Tolerant" is code for
turning Christ-loving children like you into godless
(people who spit at Jesus) homosexuals (people who put your
pee-pee in their hiney) communists (people who put your
blessings in their own pockets)
· Your Parents try to get
you to read Harry Potter Books. This is VERY
suspicious! Your parents are trying to get you to
learn how to be a witch. This is an almost certain
sign that they are witches – and since many witch spells
call for parts of little children, you (or most of you) is
· Your parents laugh
when President Bush slurs his words after two glasses of
his unfermented beverage or gets defensive, snippy or says
something they call, "a malapropism," on
television. This is VERY suspicious!
· Your parents use
words like, "no," "not found,"
"where," "what," "whose," or
"America's" when they talk about "weapons
of mass destruction." This is VERY suspicious!
· Your parents catch
you masturbating (that means playing with your tally-wacker
if you are a boy, or hooch hole, if you are a girl or
postoperative transgender) and they tell you -
"that's okay, I used to do the same thing when I was
your age." This is VERY suspicious!
· You find a copy of
the Koran (sometimes called the Quo'ran - or "The
Satanic Bible") in your house. Oh boy, is this
1996- Whenever Jesus Says It's Over, Americhrist Ltd.
All rights reserved. TOS
Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18