January 2005

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Liberals Attempting to Escape to Canada Will Be Shot on Sight!

Landover Deacons Join Hunt for Liberals Crossing Canadian Border

Freehold, Iowa - After being duly deputized by longtime silver-level tither, John Brown -- regional INS director sitting in Des Moines -- 75 Landover Baptist Church deacons took up posts along the U.S.-Canadian border less than three weeks ago. “We weren’t about to let none of them weak-kneed, Blue-State liberals leave this country, especially with tax time right around the corner,” reported Pastor Hawkins, as he raised the scope on his high-powered AR-15 assault rifle from his post behind a clearing in a North Dakota forest. “Last week, I unloaded a half pound of lead into the hineys of two long-haired varmints running through the woods. It was sheer bad luck they turned out to be ugly Canadian farm women. Oh well, no real loss to either country.” The pastors were reacting to reports of a mass exodus of anti-Bush (anti-American, anti-Christian) citizens across the Canadian border. With Canada’s immigration service overwhelmed by applications of Americans seeking asylum since November 2nd, many traitors have attempted to covertly slip into the country. “So long as I have one index finger that can squeeze a trigger, no Communist is gittin’ by me,” railed Pastor Coleman from his post on a hill in northern Minnesota.

Unofficial reports cite at least 75 prevented border crossings in the brief period the church has assisted the immigration agency. Reverend Shortland set up an informal roadblock on Interstate-75 in Michigan. “A few questions usually reveal whether these folks are legitimate tourists or Bush-dodgers. I intercepted one family last week in a BMW with their radio tuned to NPR. The parents were drinking from Starbuck’s cups and both teenagers in the back were reading books, neither of which had “Holy” or “Bible” imprinted anywhere on the cover, as far as I could tell.” The reverend called ahead to the border patrol checkpoint where agents conducted full vehicle and body cavity searches. After discovering a copy of GMAT test results, two museum ticket stubs and an 401k portfolio receipt, agents turned the vehicle around and the family was escorted to a holding cell near Detroit. Pastor Skipwell successfully uncovered what can only be described as a contemporary underground railroad just outside Detroit. “A bunch of coloreds were sending hordes of unemployed auto workers in tunnels to the demonic north. I emptied my semi-automatic weapon at them, and the activity stopped, but I have no idea whether I actually killed anyone or just shot the night.”

Not all church members support the deacons’ actions. “I think it is a colossal waste of time,” observed Brother Harry Hardwick, Chair of the Board of Deacons. “Tracking down liberals is like trapping rats in Harlem. For every one you catch, there are a thousand that squeak away. And why do we care if they leave? So what if many pay the taxes that pay for the programs benefiting the rest of us, like those Godly farm supports Iowa corn farmers get? We don’t need the money. President Bush has shown his commitment to maintaining all the pork programs while massively expanding military spending without raising a single dime in taxes. Since he’s already run a higher deficit than any President in history, what difference will a few trillion additional dollars make?

Despite the initial success of the program, the deacons may be returning home soon because the White House has condemned their actions as unauthorized. An administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, claimed the President’s latest position is not his typical boilerplate appeal to whatever is the prevailing popular sentiment, but is instead the product of a genuine desire to allow as many Democratic voters as possible to leave the country before the mid-term Congressional elections.




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