February 2001

Giddy church members could barely contain their enthusiasm last Sunday as Pastor Deacon Fred played missionary videos showing piles of slumped dead bodies killed in a recent earthquake in India. "It is exhilarating to be able to see the Lord's wrath in action," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "The Almighty is obviously fed up with folks walking around worshiping cows instead of Jesus. Not only is He killing them crazy folks in India, he is turning all the bovines in Europe into "mad cows" to make sure the Catholics don't start worshipping at their hooves in every paddock from St. Petersburg to Lisbon! Folks, you can only mess with the Lord's patience for so long before He starts killing. Nobody should waste time trying to figure out a way to bring comfort to the families of people who God decides to butcher. The Bible is very clear about these things. Even the most liberal Christian knows that anyone who dies without accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and personal savior will be sent directly to Hell. There is no more comfortable way of putting it. Just thank your lucky stars that only one in a million Christians are called to be overseas missionaries, otherwise we wouldn't be here today to carry on the important work of restoring America to Biblical values from our insufferably uncomfortable padded pews (which we hope to have replaced by late Spring).  Praise God!"

In addition to the catastrophe in India, God's earthquake rampage caused extensive property damage in Greece and northeastern Ohio. "God is returning to the tried and true punishment of sinners --good old-fashioned earth moving (Isaiah 13:13; Psalms 18:7). Paul told us God would eventually show his wrath for non-believers like those dot-headed curry-eating, cow worshippers (1 Romans 1:18-20). God said nonbelievers should be violently killed (Deuteronomy 17:2-7), just like those sodomites in Greece (Leviticus 20:13). He would have said the same about union workers if organized labor or Ohio had existed back then. You can't flaunt the Lord's will by voting for Al Gore and expect not to incur His ready-wrath. I mean, I am just counting the minutes until those nuts and flakes out there in California get dumped into the salty sea! What a joyous day that will be! The End Times are surely upon us." Church members nearly caused a stampede as they returned to their homes to pack and begin rapture party planning.

A special Victory Dinner of pork tenderloins and beef wellington was held last Sunday evening in honor of God.  Attire was Christian country club casual and activities were planned for the children.  Tickets were $45.00 per adult and $25.00 per child with all proceeds going to the Baptist Society To Cover Naked Statues.



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