February 2001

It was business as usual at church last Sunday, despite the brutal death just four days earlier of longtime pastor, 82-year-old Reverend Ebeneezer Smith.  "While the circumstances of his demise are certainly understandable, his death was nothing if not untimely," Pastor Deacon Fred told a congregation in mourning.  "Pastor Smith was, without question, the Moses of the modern era.  He therefore should have had at least 20 or 30 years ahead of him.  To anyone who believes the circumstances of his death will weaken our resolve against sin, guess again.  While I would certainly have preferred to share responsibility for the church with Pastor Smith, I will now use my total control over church affairs to strengthen our condemnation of sinners."

Pastor Smith's death was the unfortunate result of a homosexual retribution gone awry.  The parties responsible for the accident were Joshua Wilson and Noah Johnson, sons of Mr. and Mrs. Luke Wilson and Mr. and Mrs. Peter Johnson, both undistinguished, though respected, tin-level Landover tithers.  When questioned about the incident, an apologetic Joshua explained, "Our parents have been telling us how evil those [unChristian word] are since we weren't even old enough to know what those perverts did.  When I finally got my driver's license, Dad said it was time I took his place policing Freehold Central Park to search out old [unChristian word] who try to pick up teenagers so they can slobber on their [unChristian word].  Dad said not to get excited since it had been years since he'd seen any in public.  So you can imagine how thrilled we were when we spotted one on our first outing."

Pastor Smith had come to the park to give the weekly sermon against the evils of homosexuality, homelessness and liberalism he has delivered there for 30 years.  Though the boys had heard Pastor preach before, because their fathers earn less than $100,000 a year, the boys' families are relegated to balcony level seats in the main sanctuary, so the boys had never actually seen Pastor Smith's face.  According to the boys, from a distance, they saw an elderly man approach the park fountain.  His wrists hung limp and he repeatedly put his hands on his hips.  Needless to say, the boys were unaware that Pastor Smith suffered from arthritis in both hands and had two herniated disks in his back that required repeated adjustments.  

As the boys approached, they heard Pastor speaking passionately of men lying with men, doing to men what they had formerly done to women.  Since no one else was present to hear Pastor's sermon, the boys immediately pushed Pastor Smith into the bushes.  "We didn't mean to kill him," noted Noah.  "Dad told us that this Satanic society will put you in jail for going through with a full Leviticus-style punishment.  He explained how secular people view Russell Henderson and Aaron McKinney as criminals rather than martyrs.  So we just tried to scare that old man so he wouldn't be trying to shove his [unChristian word] in some bent-over guy's [unChristian word] any more.  We slapped him around with our oversized annotated KJV Bibles.  But after just a few swipes, the old guy just lay there.  When we could smell that he'd lost control over his muscles, we knew he couldn't be a [unChristian word] since those people make sure there ain't no [unChristian word] in their system before they go cruising.

Dr. Jonathan Edwards reported to the congregation that Pastor Smith was wearing the oversized cross Pastor Deacon Fred gave him for his 50th anniversary of preaching.  The gold paint had completely worn off and the metal ends had rusted into sharp points.  Apparently, one of the Bibles pushed the bottom end of the cross directly into Pastor Smith's heart.  "This is so weird," Joshua proclaimed, "since it was mainly Pastor Smith's sermons that got us motivated to go out and put an end to sin in the first place."

Because Pastor Smith's death was accidental, and the boys intended to strike sinners rather than a pastor, neither boy has been charged by Freehold authorities.  However, each boy has been suspended from church recreational activities and must perform hard labor at the church for six months for the foul language they used during their press interviews.

Honorary Pastor Harry Hardwick was quick to divert attention away from the incident, itself, and onto the need for greater education of our youth.  "Those boys were operating from ignorance," he noted.  "Homos no longer signal each other with wrist and arm movements.  They use handshakes as we reported just last month.  This underscores the need for our new educational series which will expose contemporary homosexual signs, signals and code words."  America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, defended authorities' decision not to prosecute the boys.  Mrs. Bowers, who runs Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals, the nation's most lucrative ex-gay ministry, emphasized that the solution to avoiding any further mishaps is prevention rather than punishment.  "We need to cure deviants of the hobby of homosexuality.  I have doubled the number of receptionists at BASH in the belief that numerous nancy boys will now seek out a cure, if not in fear of Hell, at least in fear of a violent demise.  There's always a silver lining to any tragedy."



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